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Taking Stock 2011

2012-01-03T14:40:00.004-05:00

I probably should have done this right before the end of the year, but better late than never, right?

Faith
I'm more confused than I've ever been but I do know a few things for sure: I believe in a God who loves and cares about me and is willing to interfere with the "normal" flow of things on my behalf. I also, contradictorily (is that a word?), believe in a God that allows horrible things happen for no good reason. I no longer believe I am special and everything will work out for good. I believe in the power of prayer as a source of comfort, if not much else.

Family
Like I said last time I did this, "I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them." I just got back from an amazing trip to Lagos with them and had a riot. My parents are so special to me, and I love seeing the small ways my dad shows emotion, missing us when we leave, getting jealous when we shower my mom with more attention than him, and other cute ways of letting us know that we are special to him. My mom shows love in an interesting way (usually with her voice raised) but its cute. Worrying about whether or not we eat, if we have chocomilo to take back to america or if there is enough snail in the house for us all and reporting our constant wakabouting to every friend who stops by makes me laugh and smile and roll my eyes all at the same time. It was a good year, and full of renewed relationships with cousins and I look forward to even more for 2012.

Friendship
I am so so so so grateful this year for my friends. The end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was possibly the hardest period I have ever experienced, and I give all gratitude to my friends for helping pull me through. A friend of mine always gets irritated by women who say "I'm only friends with guys because all women are ______" and though I have historically had more male close buddies than women, 2011 was the year of the phenomenal women. I HAVE to agree with my friend. My girls worried about me, called me to check in, slept on my couch on random days, invited me over to do random mundane shit, hooked me up with random guy friends as distractions, listened to me cry, listened to me whine, listened to me wallow, and never, ever complained and never told me to "suck it up". I'm sure they were sick of me, but they hid it so well, and I will be eternally grateful. By June, the year was 3000 times better, and I may not be as close to some of the people who stood by me then right now, but I will never forget the (extended) moment in time when I needed people to prop me up and they opened their hearts completely.

I also learned that friendships are sometimes for a season. Because I was there for you/you were there for me at a specific important time does not mean we have to be joined at the hip for eternity. Like love, friendship wanes and waxes and that is okay. It doesn't mean we love each other any less. I've realized my circle of friends is actually quite small and people move in and out of that group over the years, but I love my people hard. And nothing gives me more joy than spending time with an old friend, and realizing we get along exactly the same way we used to and that time and distance have meant nothing.

My hope for 2012 is to be the friend that I needed in 2011.

Finances
So I'm not totally satisfied with my progress here, but progress has been made. My excellent credit is 21 points more excellent, I entered 2012 completely debt free, I started saving for my Naija trip last April, and didn't have to dip into my emergency fund/mid-term savings account to finance the trip and there is still enough in there for two smaller 2012 trips. I still haven't reached my 6 months expenses goal in my emergency fund, but I hope that one is complete by August 2012 if I am VERY disciplined.

Education/Career
*sigh*

The end.

Okay, kidding. I think I've given up on the business school idea, (though Stanford still beckons at me) and I've started making moves to get me to where I need to be. Fingers crossed for a major difference by the end of Q1 2012.

Relationships
So, yeah, this year was...interesting. If I learned anything, I learned that I have no idea what I want. I also learned that most other people are on this same boat. I'm currently content, and grateful for how things turned out, and hopefully will have more to report at the end of 2012. Otherwise, things are relatively quiet in a good way.

Physical Health and Fitness
I'm fine. I need to do better tho. *glares at gut*

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I'm not addicted to anything. I talk too much, but have learned slowly to share less. My social life was awesome in 2011. Spent a lot of time with people that make me happy, and I plan to do more of the same in the coming year.

Miscellaneous
My theme for 2011 was to "enjoy the journey". I absolutely, unquestionably did. I stopped and smelled the roses every chance I got. I'm generally a happy person, and being depressed at the beginning of the year for the first (and hopefully, only) time in my life has made me so so appreciative of this feeling that I want to hold on to it and appreciate it and discuss it and relish it as much as I possibly can. I'm still unclear what my theme for 2012 will be, but I'm still hanging on to the gratitude and enjoying the journey from previous years.

Here's to an even more rewarding 2012.

2011-11-08T16:30:00.003-05:00

I do a lot of blog posts that I choose not to publish because they're related to people that read my blog/would be a little too raw. Sometimes, I go back and read them and for the life of me I can't remember who or what they are about. Hopefully, the readers can't either *pushes "publish" button*

2011-11-07T13:23:00.002-05:00

The end of the year is here and as I fell asleep Saturday night, my theme for next year came to me. I was too tired to get up and write it down so I repeated it to myself over and over until I fell asleep hoping I'd remember in the morning.

#fail.

Hopefully, all that repetition engraved it in/on my psyche somewhere. It was awesome too :(

My name is Tori

2011-10-30T15:48:00.001-05:00

and i am doing the fucking most.

Being all Cryptic As Usual

2011-09-19T20:30:00.003-05:00

But I feel really bad about something. Sometimes you misinterpret people's behavior based on limited information and then you find out it has nothing to do with what you thought and its actually all quite noble and then youre a little ashamed.

The good news is that this person has no idea about my initial reaction, so I get to just feel bad and fix up look sharp.

2011-09-05T20:54:00.001-05:00

It's kind of amazing how I have so much to say but can't get any of it out.

I had a great weekend in NY. I'm exhausted. I'm praying about a new opportunity.

Sigh

2011-08-28T21:07:00.002-05:00

I thought I was further along with the 4 stages of grief than I seem to be. I think I'm at Anger now.

Someone Like You

2011-08-28T21:01:00.005-05:00

I had a dream last night that I saw him (I was staying at his aunt's house and he came to visit) and I unleashed every last piece of my hurt and bitterness and my you-picked-the-bitch-who-didnt-want-to-give-you-your-share-of-the-security-deposit-even-when-you'd-lost-your-job-and-didnt-have-an-income-over-me? on him and he didn't get it. And when I woke up, I felt better for all of one second because I let it out, but then I remembered it was a dream.

For a Friend

2011-08-05T15:04:00.001-05:00

I'm Tired

2011-07-13T16:28:00.004-05:00

of explaining myself

of not knowing what the eff I'm doing on this project

of waiting for feedback

of not sitting still and constantly being on the go

of not having shit to do

of reading

of not being understood

of people perceptions

of (failing at) managing those perceptions

of not knowing how all this is going to work out

of not naturally playing by the rules

of not knowing what the effing rules are

of this stupid mood.

2011-07-07T19:25:00.003-05:00

What is this sadness, this alien emotion?

It feels uncomfortable, out of place.

It started hovering sometime yesterday and today is balanced precariously in the middle of my chest.

Hopefully, it's gone tomorrow morning when I wake up. I'm not used to this anymore.

I think all that John Mayering over the past few days was a bad idea.

So much Sacred in the Month of June...

2011-06-29T15:29:00.005-05:00

I feel bad every time I come here to say "I have nothing to say" but I don't.

June was kind of awesome as far as birthday-months go. I probably had the best birthday I've ever had in my life, but to be fair, I can't remember a lot of them, so I'm going to call this one "top 5" just in case I forgot a few.

Spent the beginning of the day just chilling at home on the phone with absolutely everyone. Packed up and went to NY and chilled some more with my home-girl and gushed about how awesome life has been. Got dressed and had dinner with the most perfect group of people and then went dancing with an even more perfect bunch. Walked into the club and Novacane was playing (which, as far as I was concerned, was a hug from God) and proceeded to dance the night away.

My phone stopped working on the way home, but I really wasn't upset. Just went around the corner to the T-Mo store and got another one. Had brunch with Mr. Nigeria, then sat on a park bench with him and my girl and just people watched. Drove home around 4pm (I think) and that was it. No drama. No annoyance. Just happy, beautiful people.

I'm a little in awe about how perfect this year is turning out to be and I know nothing is guaranteed and it can all change in an instant so it's really important to me that I show how utterly grateful I am.

This is kinda how I feel (except I'm sitting in and experiencing and loving every single moment):

And I know you're so done hearing this but it feels UH-MAAAYZING to be able to listen to "In Repair" and think "err, I'm fixed. Can't relate anymore" :D

That is all. I'm off to experience more life.

Something new.

2011-06-22T08:31:00.006-05:00

So I met someone.

And those of you who know me know that this is complicated for reasons entirely in my head (Magneto) but it is.

I'm giddy and excited but I'm trying to calm myself because I've been here before (and that situation is why this blog exists). I get excited because you're all gung-ho and planning a future when you don't have to and calling my granddad to say happy birthday and doing so much more than even I expect, then you disappear. And then I'm lost and confused for 4 months.

Dating blows.

I'm Older!!!!

2011-06-17T10:08:00.004-05:00

And happier, and prettier, and contenter, and dancier and so so so pleased with life.

This entire week has felt like 9am on a tuesday morning (which, if you didn't know, is a really good time to be alive).

I feel like i should do a birthday "Taking Stock" so here goes:

Faith
Things are still not perfect (as defined in my head) but I'm doing okay. Having some conversations with God and with people whose opinions I respect to help me understand what I do and don't believe. But I can say for sure that I truly believe that love is truly the greatest of them all and it trumps absolutely every rule and every law.

Family
I love them I love them I love them some more. That is all. The girls really do rock my world even if I don't say this to them all that often. I love being around them and I couldn't ask for much more.

Friendship
The big word here is gratitude. It was a really tough year personally, and people came through for me in so many ways. From midnight trips to my house to sit on the couch and just watch TV, to listening to me cry on the phone for hours, to hearing me whine about the same dumb ish over and over and over and over without saying "you really need to just get over it" to checking in regularly so I don't sit by myself and be miserable, to notes that essentially said "I know this is tough and you are loved", to dragging me out dancing no matter how tired I claimed to be, my friends really did come through for me, and I will be eternally grateful. We are changing and the relationships are evolving and I don't necessarily feel as close to certain people as I did before, but that's okay. Life happens and I love them just as much (and possibly more) than I did before.

Finances
I've been terrible. I haven't saved a penny this year because I've been flying everywhere. A couple unexpected bills later and I'm somehow broker now than I was this time last year, even after a raise and a bonus. I'm praying my raise next month is huge (*laughs at self*) so I can somehow try to catch up, but eh, I've decided to take the L on 2011 and just enjoy the ride. I'll start over in 2012.

Education/Career
Work is good again. Well, calm again. I love the team I've been working with for the past 6 months and it seems they love me too. I say this every year but it might actually be time to move on. We'll see though. I'm applying for a NY transfer so I can have my year in the city, but I don't see it happening anytime soon considering the wait. I had lofty B-school plans this time last year but those got shelved while I was being crazy (see above). I've had some time to think about it and the plans might be permanently shelved. Still thinking about it though. I have another 2 months before I have to commit.
I toyed with the idea of moving to Nigeria for a while, but I don't think its going to happen yet. My biggest driver was escaping sadness and I did. I still plan to be there in December. Lets see if Lagos still has its pull.

Relationships
I'm in a good place. I'm (sorta) dating again, and I'm actually really excited about meeting new people, compared to a few months ago when I had an internal meltdown (despite my outward elation) every time something happened. I'm still in love with love and my heart is still wiiiiiide open (which might not be a good thing), but baby steps. I'm finally done missing him, but I will admit I miss having a person. Working on ensuring I am ready for something new and not just trying to fill a void.

Physical Health and Fitness
So yeah. I started out well. Hired a personal trainer and was doing really good for like 3 months then laziness set in. Is it enough to promise to start running again next month? I'm dancing enough to constitute regular excercise though.

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
No addictions. Still an attention whore. LOVING LIFE right now. I made a decision around January to "enjoy the journey" and boy, has it been an excellent run since like March. I'm broke but really happy. Most weekends between now and September are booked and I'm taking french lessons.

26 was eventful to say the least. I'm happy about where I am and I am understanding that life is made up of little moments and I'm planning to live every single one of them. I thought I might be weird about getting older but I'm not. I'm content. All the small things are in perfect order, and take up my day to day existence, so I'm just not going to worry about the big ones and I'm going to dance.

On (physical) Perfection.

2011-06-15T09:31:00.006-05:00

I am that girl you want close to you on your wedding.

I spot every out of place hair and every stray thread. I notice that your arm looks misshapen at just that angle or that particular pose highlights a little bulge. I am also that girl you hate to critique you. I will find every extraneous piece of language, every misspelt word or incorrect grammar. And I will let you know in a bid to help you fix it (since I am incapable of shutting up and I wish people would do the same for me).

This doesn't mean I don't see beauty everywhere I go. I just can immediately highlight ways to make things more perfect at least to the naked eye.

Being this way can sometimes be hard. As great as I think I am (call this pompous if you want, but if you don't think you're awesome, you should work on that) I can see every thing about you and me that is not perfect in a very logical and removed way. The sad part of this is the idea that all these things about me need to be fixed before I can be loved (which is daft and ridiculous and was disproved for two and a half years personally).

I've recently been around and seen a lot of pictures of imperfect people being loved perfectly and after I spot everything that could have been fixed, I stop and see that there truly are no conditions to this love.

It's hard to feel beautiful when you see imperfection. And it's hard to believe people when they see beautiful when you see imperfection. But sometimes, you see people seeing beauty in others because love covers a multitude of sins and that makes me hopeful.

2011-05-20T22:21:00.001-05:00

"I wish you forever."

Is that a strange phrase?

Wordless...

2011-05-09T14:59:00.003-05:00

I've had nothing to say for the past couple of weeks. I'm in a really good place, I just have nothing to say.

Saw him. It hurt.

Went to Barbados. Had a good time.

Back on my path and making progress. Often pleasantly surprised at how infrequently he pops into my head.

Work is utterly, blessedly relaxed.

The weather is fabulous.

Looking forward to aimlessly wandering around New York all summer.

Wondering about switching apartments. The very thought of packing up and moving is extremely daunting though.

On Goals

2011-04-21T09:43:00.006-05:00

As much as I love reading long pieces, I never ever write them. I'm actually kind of ashamed of my inability to sit still and write out a well structured piece.

I think of articles/blogs I want to write all the time, and over the course of a week or two, draft them out in my head, fluffing them out piece by piece and rearranging paragraphs into better places. I come up with perfect lines and phrases, and profound conclusions, but the moment I open the blogger window, it all flees.

I thought, maybe if I start writing the pieces on my blackberry, I wont lose the entire thing. I tried that last night in front of the television as I watched 16 and pregnant. I have a blog on loneliness that starts out sad and ends on a note of hope and joy and the beauty of solitude, but I only got through one line.

I have another I dreamt up at the airport last week called "This summer I will" that was my list of resolutions (because why would I make them in January when the weather is awful and sometimes all we have is our vices to keep us warm?) and each day, as I slapped sunscreen on my face after my moisturizer (resolution number 1) having showered after no more than 2 snoozes on my alarm (number 2!) I thought of all the other awesome habits I planned to develop and made my mental list for the summer of awesomeness and swore I'd put them to paper as SOON as I got to work each day. I froze and, instead, tweeted inanities.

I really need to figure out how to do things that scare me. So the next thing I am putting on my list (and please don't try to hold me to it, the pressure only makes it worse) is that This summer, I will write a piece I am proud of, that isn't just me vomiting out my random thoughts. I will somehow stick this between beginning to learn French (number 3) , applying to the AfDB (number 4) and consuming copious amounts of frozen yogurt covered in mango, strawberry and kiwi pieces.

Oh yeah, and attending weddings. And laughing constantly (Seems like I'm doing a great job of those two already).

I'm waiting

2011-04-14T17:50:00.003-05:00

And I absolutely know better.

I'm not expecting anything, but I really, really want to see him. I've started having dumb dreams again about exactly what will happen when I see him. It's all very boring really. He comes in, we smile like idiots, hug, I cry, he comforts me for a minute. I tell him where his stuff is and he goes upstairs and gets it. In one version of the dream, she is in the car, waiting outside. In another, he just loads up his stuff and he leaves. I go back in, and watch TV.

The good news is that if the last year is any predictor of the future, he wont show up.

I should probably make plans to be somewhere other than at home once he leaves.

And it continues...

2011-03-28T10:34:00.003-05:00

Coming off another awesome weekend. I woke up this morning 40 minutes early and I wasn't even pissed. My wi-fi wasn't working so I couldn't check my usual AM-before-I-get-out-of-bed websites, and that was cool too. I just picked up my book and started reading.

I'm all gooey and gay and bright. Lol. It's cute I think.

Worked till 7 friday and then went home and read and read and read. Spent saturday morning reading too. Started spring cleaning my house but laziness and Anthony Bourdain: Without Reservations set in and I gave up on that. I ended up kinda chilling out till it was time to go to my friends moms 60th birthday and meet up with a bunch of the grad school girls. Foolish times were had by all and by midnight I understood that the Yoruba in me is deep. I beremoled and judied to my hearts desire even thought I was supposed to be helping my friends mom gather the money they sprayed her. I had a blast sha. Met up with a couple people I had met before and finally met my friends new husband and my other friends long term boyfriend. BBMed and gisted till 3:30am.

Next morning we all had brunch and I finally met the famous Pedro (who is planning to propose to his girlfriend in two days! Redunk! Life just happens so fast. One day you're a lost grad student, and the next you're turning 30 and hoping your girlfriends sister doesn't let out the secret.), and laughed to my hearts content. Spent the rest of the afternoon having the most chill, laid back, unpretentious and hilarious time ever, and then went home and gisted with my sisters for hours. I literally went to sleep laughing.

Things are still looking up and awesome. I just have to continue to remind myself to take things a day at a time but still just enjoy every moment of the experience. Definitely something new. :)

2011-03-15T12:47:00.002-05:00

I had a such an awesome time past weekend. It was strange because I was NOT looking forward to it up until I got there. Like I picked up the rental car and was still in a funk. But everything started to just come together. I was walking and a conversation with a friend over the prior week just finally hit me and my mindset just changed. Found a dress for the event that night, wandered around by myself for a couple hours and it just became better.

It the end it was a blast, there were no dramatic moments, I didn't feel the need to get piss drunk to escape and I simply didn't stop dancing (I tried, I swear, but when I sat down, my leg wouldn't stop moving, so I figured I'd better keep dancing rather than have people think I have a twitch).

I felt beautiful, the bride looked beautiful and I was surrounded by beautiful people and good music. I ran into someone I hadn't seen in 11 years. I also outdoored my glasses and everyone thought they were cute. We'll see if I can get used to them. Good times all around.

Except for the part where one heifer was wearing my dress! I couldn't persuade anyone to help me drag her outside and strip her. *hiss*

Heading home, I got picked up by my girl and her mom and we needed to go pick up her spare keys from her late aunts place. Her mom refused to go inside so my friend went in alone and her mom and I sat in the car and she told me how she was feeling about her friends sudden passing, and about just finding out that her sister has stage IV lung cancer and how she just is struggling trying to handle it all. I think I hit epiphany number 2 (number 1 was enjoy the journey) but I don't know if I am able to elucidate it yet. Hopefully I remember to come back here and put it up.

I still feel so blessed that good things are happening to so many people around me. A 40 year old friend is 12 weeks pregnant with her first child, this friend got married to someone who seems to make her very happy, another friend is hopelessy (and requitedly) in love, another recently got engaged. I'm glad I get to witness.

2011 is looking like its going to be awesome.

2011-03-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

This.

From a comment on "You Should Date an Illiterate Girl"

2011-03-09T11:56:00.002-05:00

By LUCKYLEWY

In response to Charles Warnke. I told you to expect it.

Never date a guy who is broke. Meet him at the wrong time. Meet him in beautiful weather, preferably outside. Meet him when you are both interested in someone else. Add him on Facebook when you see his name pop up on the side of your page. Let him amaze you with his witty messages. Flirt. Don’t think about it too much.

Let him accept your request, months later. Talk until the sun comes out and the birds begin their song. Laugh at his jokes. Let him laugh at yours. Go into deep discussion about things like Penguins and Boxes.

Go to New York for the festive month. Let him want you. Go for a different guy. Come back to your warm state and continue the long giggly chats. Fall. Fall fast. Initiate a book club. Read Orwell.
Don’t finish the last chapter where she gets eaten alive by rats.

Go to New York in the bitter winter. Find out that he is at a lounge which serves tea. Go. Make long and intense eye contact. Look away.
It’s raining. Walk outside to fetch the car. Let him walk with you. Talk about the book.

Lead him into a room. Serve him fancy shaped ice cubes. Tell him he smells good. Fall. Embrace the silence. The dammed beautiful silence.
Let him help you prepare for an interview. Let him teach you Chapter 23. Thank him. Laugh with him when the interviewer was a complete nut.

Let him take you out for a coffee. Talk. Smile. Let him gaze into the depths of your soul. Let him fall. Let him wince in pain from “food poisoning.” Let him put his arm around you. Let him hold your hand.
Let him make historical dates and facts about the churches and buildings you pass. Laugh at him. Admire him.
When you get home and he doesn’t call or text, be hurt. Be hurt for the very first time. Want him. When you see a virtual note, describing all he feels in riddles and puns, know it’s about you. Smile. Continue talking, continue falling.

Go over seas with your family. Realize you miss talking to him. He misses you.

Make plans to be in his state for the summer. Let him take you “somewhere special” the first night you get there. Let him hold your hand. Walk around lost for an hour. Ask random strangers for useless
directions. Stumble to that special place. Breathe. Sit. Talk. Fall.
Let it rain. Let your hair frizz. Let your fucking makeup drip. You look beautiful. Beautifully in love. Let him lead you to shelter. Let him nervously kiss you for the first time at the top of the court’s steps. Laugh. Continue conversation. Then kiss him back. Fall.

Visit the museum at night. Fall asleep on each other on the eastern
staircase. Let him tell you he loves you in a tired and confused
state. Perk up. Ask him to repeat it. He won’t. Pretend you never
heard it. Lead him back to your closet of a room. Peek into a
forbidden hole. Laugh. Let him cover your mouth from laughing so you
won’t wake them up. Lay your head on his chest. Listen to his
heartbeat. Let him wrap his arms around you. Fall asleep. Wake up the
next morning. Quickly get dressed. Kiss him goodbye . Run down the
stairs. Be late for work.

Get into stupid fights because he wants to eat his cake and have it
too. Ask for closure.

Invite him over for soup. Watch him eat. Plan to watch a movie. Get
into bed. Start watching. Watch him answer his phone. Watch him leave.
Let him go.

While he’s walking you home, spontaneously take his hand and walk down
the subway’s steps. Even if it’s 3am. Take the train. Go anywhere. Let
him lean against a car on Friday night and tell you why you are being
crazy. He will tell you that he does not want to be in a relationship.
Walk away, upset. Let him follow you. Make up. Let him kiss you.

Get into more arguments about closure. Stop fighting, cause you’ll never win.

Let him sail off into the blue horizon. Miss him. Realize. Speculate.

Come back into New York for a few days before embarking on a 4 month
journey. Meet him at the park. Sit on a bench. Talk. Laugh. Smile.
Cry. Lean against the President Street bridge. Let the S train pass
from under you. Receive your first “get a room!” comment. Fall.

Meet him at a sketchy party in the outskirts of the city. Let him snub
off the frenchie that is trying to take you home. Smile. Dance. Meet
him outside. Let him kiss you under the church’s awning. Let him take
your breath away. Let him tell you that you are his world. Believe
him.

Let him give you moldy flowers. Let your heart melt. Let him put a
necklace around your neck. Tell him you love him. Let him kiss you one
last time. Bid adieu.

Go to Israel. Miss him. Arrange skype dates. Talk on the phone for
hours, like there is not 439898 miles between you. Let him tell you he
loves you for the first time.

Come home because you miss him too much. Date him. Accept his 9-12
months proposal. One year. January.

Send your Arab driver to pick him up from Miami. Knock at the door and
let your clothes come off before he even says hello. Breathe him in.
Lay in bed. Let him admire. Go for walks on the boardwalk. Make sure
you stop at the Hilton to use the bathroom. Promise that next time we
will bring bathing suits for we are going swimming in the hotel pool.

Drive to Deleon springs. Buy lotto tickets on the way. Tell him you
know you will break up in a year. Watch him wiggle in discomfort in
his seat. Lay on a white sheet under the canopy trees. Eat
strawberries. Love. Walk into an antique shop. Laugh. Suggest Cohens.
Sit at the table closest to the door. Order a hamburger. Stop eating
one bite through because he will not stop staring. Smile. Say “What?”
Let him tell you that he could get used to this. Believe him. Fall.

Take the shuttle with him to the airport. Write letters to each other
before you part. Hold onto him and cry. Cry until there are no tears
left.

Be inseparable. Write. Talk. Laugh. Smile. Skype. Message. Be best friends.

Go to New York. Link arms while walking into OT. Let everyone gawk at
you. You beautiful couple. Let him take you upstairs. Look at the
picture of him as a boy. Kiss him. Go to South street sea port. Hook
up in the Express dressing room. Try on tacky lingerie for him. Let
him take you to an organic cupcake joint. Lick frosting off his mouth.
Laugh. Love. Nervously meet his brother and sister in law. Breathe.
Eat terra chips. Smile. Let them like you.

Introduce him to your parents. Smile when you see them all together.
Let him play with your nieces and talk to your sister and her husband.
Be happy. Think you could so get used to it.

Run your hands through his hair. Let him convince you. Do it. Use candy if it’s bad. See him enjoy. Sin.

Let him see your weaknesses. Cry when things get heavy with mum. Cry
to him. Leave your mark on his white shirt. The shirt you bought him.

Stumble into photo booths every time you see one. Keep them all over
your room as little reminders.

Bring up marriage. Hear him tell you that he is still not ready and
needs time. Tell him you need to be with him. Cry when he doesn’t
understand. Tell him you need to wake up to him. Cry again. Feel your
heart break when he doesn’t budge.

Go to Australia. Hope things will get better. Watch as they get worse.
Try to be happy. Try not to miss him. Be nice. Understand he still
won’t be ready. Feel like shit. Slip away. Let him slip away

Date a guy who will keep you waiting. Date a guy who you love more
than you love anything. Date a guy who can’t drive. But never date a
guy who is broke. Because he knows that less money means more
struggling. And God forbid should one struggle. He will blame
everything on the fact that he is not financially able. He will loose
faith. He will loose you. He lost you.

Cry to him one last time. See how he watches you, unmoved. Unaffected.
Watch him as his smug shoulders shrug, watch him as doesn’t care. Let
him go. Don’t think too much about it.

Don’t think too much about him.

Let him go.

2011-03-02T09:33:00.004-05:00

My self confidence is back. I remember blogging a long time ago about vacationing with 2 beautiful women with self image issues and being very uncomfortable because I had never had any major issues with the way I looked.

As hard as it is to admit it, that changed while I was with him.

And being away from him for the past year and a half has me back to where I used to be. Walking past the mirror and loving what I see.

I am patiently waiting

2011-02-08T20:42:00.002-05:00

For the day I don't drive up to my apartment and look at the front door, hoping you're either standing there waiting for me or that there is a package there from you
For the day I don't walk by the front desk at work when the UPS guy comes and look up expectantly for my name to be called because there are flowers or cupcakes or serta frigging counting sheep waiting for me
For the day I can just listen to Evolver and it's just an album
For the day I don't have to restrain myself from talking about you
For the day I'm not sad about how you'll miss out on every change that happens to me. From my new smell, to the scar on the back of my right hand to my changing body.
For the hour I don't think about you.

Why do I still feel so broken?

7 Things...

2011-01-26T16:07:00.011-05:00

Taynement is going to kill me if I don't and I live alone and I'm concerned people wont find my body for weeks, so I figure its a good idea to stay alive and give you my things

I love mornings. It might take me an hour to get out of bed, but I'm just happy to be alive and excited to see everyone. I don't need coffee or tea or anything to be perky I just am. Sometimes, its all I can do not to skip through the hallways at work. And I hate it when I'm awake and everyone is sleeping. There is so much glorious day to just LEAP right in to! ....then it all comes crashing down around 4pm then I don't want to be bothered.
I feel like I have tears behind my eyes, waiting for every opportunity to come crashing down. Every stupid thing makes me cry. I cry during every episode of Teen Mom. I cried (well, single tear) when Finn announced the formation of "Furt". I cried when my friend told me she can now listen to "Lucky" (she used to hate the song). I bawled at work when I watched this cute video. But just as soon as I'm done crying, I'm back to perky.
I'm really excited to be part of my friends weddings. Nothing says "I-love-you-and-trust-you-and-think-our-friendship-can-withstand-the-threat-of-zillaism" like the request for you to be a bridesmaid. Now, clearly I'm delusional and I'm doing my rainbows and butterflies thing again, but I just feel like the bridesmaids have the most fun at weddings. They get to wear cute dresses and know most of the guests and dance like no ones watching (and Jide Alakija/Collins Metu/Atunbi catch them looking beautiful and happy). Win-win no? No?
I do think I'm smarter than your average (what? I never claimed to be humble) but I cannot read people AT ALL. I have no idea if you're warming up to me or dislike me or seem intrigued etc. Because of this, I am utterly ridiculously socially awkward. I overcompensate for everything. I've never recognized that a guy was into me without directly being told (or realized the object of my affections did not feel the same way without embarrassing myself first). It often takes me a while to realize I've offended someone (and by "a while" I mean "someone pulled me aside and tells me"). I'm just glad people who become my friends find it cute and amusing (I hope. And if I'm wrong, don't correct me.).
I am ambivalent about absolutely everything. It actually scares me a little. I can pretend that I care, just to seem normal but in reality, I don't. I don't have a favorite TV show or book or author, I don't do anything religiously. I claim to love plantain above all else, but though I do like plantain a lot, I'd live if there wasn't any. I just find peoples reaction to the fact I eat it raw funny. I don't read/watch the news or care a great deal about politics, or music (though work is impossible without music). I'm just enough of an information junkie that I can have an intelligent (and seemingly well informed) conversation about anything. If it makes people think I know what I'm talking about, oops.
I have no talents. I cannot sing to save anyones life (trust me, I've tried. I'm currently shopping for a voice coach self, so I don't deafen myself since I insist on doing it so much). I'm not artistically creative at all (I wanted to be an architect till I realized I can't draw, so I resolved to marry one. I'm failing at that too). I can't make up a rhyme or write poetry. Even on the dance floor, I just absorb what everyone else is doing and am secretly jealous. Well, I take that back. I think I make a fantastic critic. I can tell you how to make ANYTHING better (and you will agree with my edits). I just can't dream stuff up myself.
I want to move to Nigeria this year. Not for any strong reason (see point 5). Just because. No idea what I want to do there, or what life will be like.

There. How's that for getting to know my deepest, darkests?

2011-01-11T09:13:00.001-05:00

I guess I'm not the only person who wakes up a couple hours before I have to be at work and fafs around until I have to speed-shower.

Maybe.

2010-11-24T09:50:00.004-05:00

I want to say I feel better, but I think every time I say that something happens. :P

I'm good. Enjoying the company of friends who are checking in a little more often than usual and fronting like they actually want to talk to my boring ass.

Work is hella busy and I'm working on interesting stuff so it's been a blessing. My friends have been kind enough to not leave me alone and drag me around with them, so I think I only feel sad when Pandora or my iPod conspire to remind me that even though love is hard, perseverance exists and you can choose to stick it through and make it work and thats what makes it extra special.

One of my loves gave me something to think about. I think the hardest part for me has been the thought that I had found someone that I was ridiculously compatible with, and in all honesty, I had never met anyone who fit me as well in all my twenty-six years of being and I realize that there are no guarantees that I ever will again. So it hurt that he felt the same way, but was willing to take that chance out of sheer laziness. Also, I know what I want out of a relationship now and, I wont lie, I'm a little scared that I wont ever find someone who finds all my annoyingnesses amusing and loves my uncuteness and finds my knowitallness refreshing.

(Still waiting for what my friend gave me to think about? lol) Aaaaaaanyhooo, I was talking with my friend about this and she said maybe he felt that way about my (perceived) imperfections because he loved me. Not that he loved me because of them. I had to take like 3 days to think about that one.

And maybe she's right.

Maybe someone will fall in love with all the fun energetic life-is-beautiful-first-thing-in-the-morning, ridiculous-amounts-of-useless-information, i'll-try-most-things-once and everything-can-be-laughed-at of me, and because of that still love the I-wear-my-own-hair-and-makeup-is-a-chore-and-my-lips-stay-chapped-ness of me with my i-have-to-have-the-last-word-and-i-am-absolutely-always-right and maybe even not commit suicide at how I have yet to meet my match at stubbornness. And maybe even not care that I don't cook*.

Maybe. :)

*Yes, sharrap, I still maintain that I don't cook. Even if it does seem like every time you call me I'm cooking something new, I am not advertising that, because months hit that I retire from the kitchen.

2010-11-06T19:18:00.001-05:00

I don't think I've felt this alone since 9/11.

This too shall pass. It just needs to hurry the fuck up.

2010-10-21T09:06:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what to say. I have plenty to say but I just really don't want to say it.

Someone said I look stunning today and it made me sad.

I guess asking for eternal happiness is too much. All our mothers lied to us, because their mothers lied to them. It's all a giant scam being perpetrated over and over again.

Bleh.

In my dreams...

2010-05-03T20:14:00.002-05:00

...it really was simpler. *sigh*

My old buddy is back. Hi Soul. I've missed you.

Life is good. I really do want to chop off all my hair.

What the frig is a break? I understand not. Can someone honestly explain to me what they are? In my head "we need a break" = "I want to have sex with someone else, guilt-free". I'm told I'm wrong. I'm yet to get an satisfying explanation.

So things haven't been perfect of recent. I can sense us both mentally checking out. Which would be fine if I wasn't me and so hellbent on ripping off band-aids, even when they aren't necessarily falling off.

I had more to say but exhaustion hit. I'll try again later.

So I bit the bullet

2010-03-07T16:48:00.003-05:00

and paid off my car today.

I feel like a weight is off my shoulders.

Now to up my 401 witholding.

The Thickeness..

2010-02-25T10:25:00.002-05:00

So all week I've been listening to Robin Thicke ([sarcasm]shocking huh?[/sarcasm]) and I can't help but think how much he must love his wife. I try to remind myself that when people write, it isn't necessarily a reflection of how they feel. Things are inspired by things we see, things we hear about and don't jave to have anything at all to do with what is going on in our lives.

I still can't shake that "Lucky woman to be loved this much" feeling.

Love breaks.

2010-02-08T11:53:00.004-05:00

And somehow, every time it happens, we're shocked.

You sit there and you think, this is just a rough patch, we love each other, so obviously its going to work out. Then you remember that conversation with your friend where she told you on the phone tearfully, "I just *knew* I'd found my own. I was settled. Done. And then it fell apart." And you realize that now, 3 years later, it didn't magically fix itself. They were perfect for each other (even in their own eyes), yet they aren't together. So you pause on those drastic measures you had in your head of just leaving him with nothing but a note, as the realization dawns that the thought of him tracking you down and standing out in the rain telling you how you complete him might actually happen, but probably won't end with the kiss that says and forgives and erases everything.

And so you watch it break and you can't do a thing about it, and you're pissed off that, as usual, John Mayer put it perfectly. Slow dancing in a burning room. And then you wonder, wouldn't we all just be FINE in love and not make dumb mistakes if we just took a class on "Continuum"?

Happy Valentines week, y'all.

The Independent Woman ... sorta.

2010-02-02T09:31:00.007-05:00

Inspired by Mgbeks.

So I am an independent woman. Sort of. No I didn't have a job till I had been here a year and daddy definitely paid my rent for the first two years, but tuition was paid by my grades. After that, I managed to get a full scholarship that paid room and board also, and a nice cushy campus job for shopping money. Independent-ish, no?

Anyhoo, 5 years post grad (jay-soo, how times flies), I'm definitely on that "car and a crib [err, no crib. Apartment, thank you very much], she bout to pay em both off, and her bills are paid on time" ish. No help from Daddy. In fact, when I went to Naija self, my father quietly reminded him that I owed him $400 for the local flights he helped me book for my trips while I was at home. Omo, the recession was tough on retirees too.

Trust me, I agree with Mgbeks. Bill paying is NOT fun. Every other day, I look at my bills and wonder why I'm not an I-Banker. Just yesterdayI looked at my credit card bills, and after I paid off all my credit cards last month , balance is back up to $3k. All expenses incurred in a week and a half (wisdom tooth extractions plus car wahala = gbese).

So why then did I, as I got out of my nearly paid off car and walked into my office that provided me the freedom to be "fly effortlessly", pray to God that I want to be able to go out clubbing with the girls and BUY MY OWN BOTTLES without worrying about rent or my down-payment savings?

And it has to be before I marry, and before I'm wearing some mans ring. Because I don't want anyone to so much as hint at the money coming from some dude. Everytime I hear "I got Money to Blow" by Young Money I remind God that I NEED to be rich someday soon, while I'm young. There is no sexier image in my head than me in Tribeca or some club, sitting at an all girls table, everyone with a champagne glass and bottles just making their way over. All the dudes looking and wondering "ah ah! who are those babes now?" End of the night, I just hand the bartender my Amex from my well manicured hand without even bothering to look at the "damages".

....Then, some young strapping man can wife me and make me a trophy for all eternity. Amen.

Save Seun Adebiyi!

2010-01-13T11:20:00.003-05:00

I ran into this article online today about 26 year old Seun Adebiyi, born in Lagos, moved here when he was 6 and is a Yale Law grad who is trying to be the FIRST EVER Nigerian Winter Olympian.

Except he was diagnosed with cancer.

Leukemia.

He's been through weeks and weeks of chemotherapy, but his doctors say his only chance for survival is a bone marrow transplant.

Sadly, only 8% of bone marrow list registrants are of African descent/African American. And for a match, the person needs to be practically IDENTICAL to you. So his chances of finding a match will be upped dramatically if there are more Nigerians on the list.

I got on the list last year, because a friend was pushing a drive for another friend of hers, a Yale Med student who is biracial (imagine how small HER numbers are) . She passed away last August.

The process is really simple. You go on the website (in this case, for a free kit go to www.dkmsamericas.org) direct link to sign up page is https://www.dkmsamericas.org/bone-marrow-donors/become-marrow-donor

Fill out the questionnaire and they will mail you a kit. All you have to do is use the Qtips to take cheek swabs and mail it back in in the pre-paid envelope.

IF (and this is a huge if) you are selected to be a donor, you go in, do some additional testing, and they use a syringe to take some marrow out of your pelvis (not much tougher than giving blood) and thats it.

I have posted a link to Seun's HuffPo article here

and his blog is at http://nigeria2014.wordpress.com/

Help save this guys life.

Please pass on this information. Even if you are not a match for Seun, you may be able to save someone else's life by signing up.

2010-01-12T12:29:00.001-05:00

She watched it die slowly.

2010-01-07T11:27:00.002-05:00

Is happiness simply a matter of telling yourself to "be happy"? Is it internal and a choice, and not (solely) a result of external stimulus?

There is a thin line between really unhappy and being depressed, and it's incredibly hard to determine what side of the line you're on after a while.

Taking Stock 2009

2009-12-30T09:17:00.002-05:00

Me too I can do. You hear, mgbeks and tanyement?

Faith
I think started this year at an all-time low. Or maybe that happened somewhere in the middle of the year. I guess it hit me how low I'd slipped when someone asked me where I stood on religion and I told him I was somewhere between theist agnosticism and Christianity with Christian leanings. WTF does that mean? I realize I DO believe. I disagree/do not understand a bunch of things, but thats okay. So In the last couple months, I've been trying to fix things. Working at getting my butt back into bible study and church, and praying more. Planning to be at my usual place at 12:01am (abi is it PM? Confuses me all the time), January 1, 2010 - Church.

Family
I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them. God has been awesome this past year and blessed us in ways that promise me that we will spend at LEAST as much time together in this coming year as we did last year. We're all healthy, and happy, and safe and blessed (and GROWING!!!!!). I hosted thanksgiving for the first time, and it was so much fun that I'm considering starting a tradition!

Friendship
It was a quiet year. I guess I realize that I know a lot of people, but I truly am friends with a few. Being the person that I am, I had a couple moments when I looked at groups of friends who do everything together and felt a little sad, but thats (my) life. My schedule is to blame for a lot of this (along with time zones and 6 odd thousand miles of distance). My friends have been good to me. We may not speak every day (or even every week) but when we do, I truly feel the love.

Finances
Ugh. Thats all. Okay just kidding. I'm a little ashamed to say that my savings are even lower than where they were at the start of the year (even with a pay raise), but the truth is, I have a few good reasons. I upped what I was paying on my car-note (car-note free by June 2010 IJN, 2 years early), moved to a new apartment that I LOVE (even though it has more than doubled my rent), bought furniture and went to Nigeria. I racked up a little CC debt on the way but my plan is to enter 2010 debt free and with a clean slate. And save save save save save!!

Education/Career
Career-wise, the year was disappointing. I am not where I expected to be, and its a little depressing when your mates leave you behind, but I know God has got me and this might be my final push to what I need to do education-wise. I had planned to take the FE exam this year, and the book is still sitting on my dining table unopened, but I'm trying to change some things around here, so watch this space.

Relationships
I continue to be grateful for the wonderful support that was given to me. This year was truly defining. I went from seeing someone every weekend, to seeing him everyday to not being sure when next I'll see him (current expected date: August 2010). Its been tough, but my prayer continues to be "God, if this isn't my own, abeg, take it away from me, so I can find mine". So far, he hasn't gone anywhere :)

Physical Health and Fitness
Yeah, ummmm..... yeah. Right. About that. So I gained a couple pounds this year (I hear those who know me sing alleluia), which I have no problem with, but my arms have lost their definition. :( I didn't use my gym membership ONCE, but I'm healthy sha (*knocks on wood*).

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I continue to say I have none (re: addictions). I still talk too much sha. That ain't changed. Social life? Non existent. Between work and life drama, I did nothing this year. Went to India. Thats it. None of the usual travelling around the country just for the heck of it. I travelled so little that I didn't realize airlines charged you for checked bags until November!

Miscellaneous
2009 was eh at best, and disappeared far too quickly. I learned that things don't always work out the way you planned (which is a new one for me) but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For 2010, I plan to be grateful.

Can't Shake the feeling

2009-11-21T23:16:00.003-05:00

I used to get really lonely, even in a crowd of people. I blamed it on not having anyone to call my own, figured it was that natural god-created yearning for a mate, and I figured it would pass when I had someone.

It didn't.

I feel really lonely again, and tonight sitting alone in my apartment watching TV, the feeling is pretty darned strong. Not strong enough to regret the decision to live alone, just strong.

I just spent the day watching CNBC and I'm in a panic once again that my spending is out of control. This *might* have something to do with a classmate of mine just buying a Car and a house and my not being even close to that right now. Yes, all fingers are not equal etc etc, but I should have saved enough by now that I have a down-payment together. I'm also more than a little ashamed of the fact that my savings today are at the exact same place they were this time last year.

I wish I could tell you where the money went. Okay, I did buy furniture. But that only accounts for about $2,000. Okay maybe $3,000. STILL, God help me. I will do better in 2010.

And omo, no tax refund last year mayne. So my naija ticket money this year had to come from savings. I am soooo going to a tax accountant next year. This rape and pillaging cannot continue. I'm about to become a republican. Kai!

I also need to diversify my savings. It used to be cute to put all my money in a Money Market account that many of the banks are offering when interest rates were 5%. Now, I'm earning about 1.3% on my money, while the stock market is happily rebounding without me! What nonsense! Was doing some reading on Roth IRAs and I just realized that there is no penalty for withdrawing contributions early! I need to up my percent investment, and also open an investment account.

I need more ideas about how to make my money work for me (especially since I think I'm going to go back to school in 2011).

Honestly

2009-11-13T14:15:00.004-05:00

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Hi.

2009-11-11T18:20:00.002-05:00

Still here.

Finally got those FE books. 2009 is not yet over. Yes we can!

Growing up is hard to do. Ah ahn! it is well o.

I'm learning that in Corporate America, if you don't toot your own horn, you might as well not have done the work.

I'm also realizing I am not here to make friends. People who deserve to be bitch-slapped will be bitch-slapped. Word to your mother.

I don't think I'm getting promoted this cycle. Which actually doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that I worked very hard at being all things to all people, and the specifically acted like I didn't. I spent 6 month whoring my expertise and time, and I got a "Tori occasionally reaches out to the team to help". Six. Straight. Months. Of doing everything for everyone. And I get an "occasionally"? My feelings are officially hurt.

Living and learning.

Otherwise, my life is brilliant.

On a much less melodramatic note

2009-09-27T17:42:00.003-05:00

Gosh. I am totally useless without him here! I need a new lappie and I have no clue where to even start searching. *Sigh*

Didn't sleep well last night because I went to bed so early, but he called when he landed which made me smile. Did my running around today as planned, and I'm feeling a lot saner. I'm still considering cashing in on the sympathy and calling in sick tomorrow sha. Abeg, life is short and your boyfriend only moves to another country once.

2009 is coming to a close and I still havent started some stuff on my VERY short 2009 to-do list. Sad ehn?

He's gone.

2009-09-26T19:55:00.003-05:00

I'm more than slightly heartbroken. I'm watching HGTV by myself and trying my hardest (and failing) not to cry.

I wish he was here. That about sums up exactly how I feel.

I need

2009-09-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

Indomie in my life.

On Love.

2009-09-01T08:35:00.015-05:00

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.

So I moved into my own place last weekend...

2009-08-20T08:27:00.004-05:00

So far, I LOVE IT. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT. I love arriving home at night, I love waking up in the morning and knowing there's no one there but me and its all mine, I love walking naked from my bedroom to my kitchen (I don't have a trashcan in my bedroom jo), and I am beyond excited about furniture shopping.

Im still freaking out just a tad about expenses and making mental notes to remove all the incandescent bulbs and replace them with flourescent ones but I think I'll be fine. I need to clean the place properly, my cable and internet gets set up on saturday and I'll be HOME! Woohooo.

So I need to buy a set of couches, a TV (and TV stand) and maybe a small dining table. Side tables, a coffee table and a small carpet (rug) for the living room would be nice, but I know I don't have to do those this second. If work wasn't so awful right now, I'd be half through this list, but as it is, I havent even had time to clean the old place and hand over the keys to the landlord.

Im really excited, but sorta worried at the same time about being lonely. I know, although Ive always had a room-mate, my most recent roommate was never ever home and the ones before that, we really didn't talk so its not like Im missing someone to hang with. I guess I just liked knowing there was someone there.

We'll see. Another new chapter.

In unrelated news, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MSN PASSWORD IS!!! Aaaarrrgh!

As Usual

2009-08-05T12:32:00.002-05:00

I'm worrying about money. According to CNN money, I should be saving 10.9% of my income for retirement. So I guess this 3% in my 401-k really wont fly. Of course this comes after I signed my lease on my $1400 apartment.

Not like it would have changed my mind much sha, let me not lie. I'm going to furnish the heck out of that place and actually LIVE there. And I'm going to love every second of it.

Just read this article on the NY times site and I don't know how I feel about it. The argument is that she fought to keep her marriage without fighting. And she says she didn't beg him to stay. Not letting him leave is the same as asking him to stay. Fantasia said "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself." Go.

Which maybe points back to me not being ready to be married and swallow my own pride and fight for something bigger.

Everyday some new facet of marriage shows itself to me and scares me. No warm fuzzies here. Yesterday it was the couple who went to Mexico for their first anniversary who got hit by some wave while swimming. He died. How does she survive? Today it's men trying to leave you and using the children as an excuse. "The kids would want me to be happy". I have never heard anything as stupid in my life.

*sigh*

Adulthood isn't easy.

On the other hand, a question posed by a friend today made me realize that I don't have any person-specific reservations about boo anymore. At least none that I can think of this moment.

I guess we'll see where this goes.

Blankets...

2009-08-04T13:50:00.004-05:00

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

2009-07-28T21:11:00.002-05:00

So I opened my super secret other blog to go vent, and I found out that it had been hijacked by spam bots! Hmph! Nonsense and ingredients.

I'm quite annoyed and refuse to open a third.

Moving in 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. A lot of space, first time living alone, and the apartment costs an arm and about 12 legs, so I'm freaking out a little about money (and for some stupid reason checking my bank balance every day, like that is going to decrease my rent. Hmph.).

My old roomie is being a pain and wants to switch the electricity bill to my name for the one month I'm here without her which is irritating considering that I'm moving out halfway through the month and so I'll be opening another account with them overlapping the time (and as far as I know, they wont let you have 2 at the same time....not entirely sure about that one sha). *hiss*. I am not clear what difference it would make if we left it as is and I deposited money into her account as we've always done. *Sigh* One more reason to live alone and not have to deal.

I need to go furniture shopping. At last, my own place, so I fully intend to completely furnish it within the first month. Well, at least couches, if not wall art. I'm excited.

And what is it with all these people popping babies? And quitting their jobs in a recession?

I forgot how awesome "The Breakup" was. And sorta think mine will be just like that. Which is a depressing thought. But I do depressing.

And now "you oughta know" is stuck in my head.

Am I just easy?

2009-07-14T15:15:00.003-05:00

I have got on a shitload of planes to go visit guys. Guy's I'm friends with, guys I'm "talking to", guys I'm dating, guys I'm in crush with. All of it.

And I've only ever had one dude pay half (and that sure didn't turn out well, but that's a looooong story for another day. Yes, sirree, I paid for all the other tickets myself. Heck , the question didn't even come up about whether or not they'd be paying all or part of my my way. I went out,had fun came back and thought nothing of it....

....Until today when a friend of mine started a facebook discussion on whether or not it meant "He's not that into you" if he didn't offer to pay for at least half your ticket.

Dang.

So according to the first 57 responses, he should offer. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Not all 57 said that. Maybe only 56). And I'm here doing a silent tally in my head wondering "chei, I've wasted how many thousand dollars 'catching trips' " when I shoulda been doing that junk for free!

So my expectation has always been to pay my own way, then maybe pay for one meal before I leave as a "thanks for the hospitality" but sorta assume he'll pay my expenses while I'm there (abeg jo, tickets are expensive, and I AM a guest. But I carry vex money sha. I have definitely encountered the occasional cheapskate).

Is that odd?

The Haters that be...

2009-07-13T12:18:00.001-05:00

Have abused me about comment moderation, so I have removed it.

He's out of my life.

2009-06-26T07:25:00.002-05:00

Michael is gone sha.

*shakes head*

Craziness. Who ever thought he was less than immortal?

One of my earliest childhood memories is wanting, no, needing to listen to Thriller because I LOVED that song, but being to scared to watch the video. I would go and hide under the couch in the living room so I could hear the song without seeing the images (you'd think I would know that turning my face away from the screen would have the same effect, huh?).

Craziness. That mans effect on people will never be duplicated:

No one can do this. Who came close? I was talking to a friend last night and we couldn't come up with number 2.

I do believe he was a pedophile, and very disturbed, but that doesn't take one thing away from his musical genius. And we have him to thank for Celebrity-causes. We are the World came before Band AID. He was the precursor to every Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates and Angelina Jolie and George Clooney. He popularized celebrities using their fame to bring attention and much needed support to humanitarian causes. Many many sick children loved the oppotunity to spend a portion of their last days on his Ranch ( I just hope he didn't give those ones "Jesus Juice").

I was and will forever be a huge fan. And apparently, so will the rest of the world. As at 5 minutes ago, 7 of the top 10 albums on iTunes were Michael Jackson album (all of the top 5). My prayers go out to his family, especially his young children. I hope there was at least one trusted person who will look out for them. One of his lawyers said last night that if we thought Anna Nicole Smith was surrounded by opportunistic, self-serving, sycophantic leeches, I'm paraphrasing) , Michael's was worse. I pray god protect those children, and provide for them.

Gone too soon.

2009-06-02T13:35:00.002-05:00

Im listening to semi-depressing music and feeling sorry for myself. I keep trying to find ways to improve my outlook, and maybe the attitude change will make it all better, but it doesnt. A new monkey wrench is always thrown in. E go better. I at least have a job.

First things first tho, I can hate my new consultant all I want, but I need to make sure he doesnt know that.

Q2 2009

2009-04-29T10:44:00.002-05:00

Is officially in effect and I missed most of my Q1 Goals. Ha.

Updated resume- check

Thats about it.

Positive Ideas please!

2009-04-20T06:28:00.004-05:00

So as everyone who knows me is aware, work has been a little hellish for over a year now. I have found that the cheery morning person I used to be has disappeared and I walk in each day not just sad to be at work, but thinking and expecting the worst of people. Small slights which might not have been malicious are automatically assumed to be direct attacks which generally wreck my already bad day.

I need to figure out ways to inject positivity into my day, which will also help uplift my mood. Whatever it is I do, though, has to be independent of my coworkers, as theyre the cause of my headaches in the first place.

Last year, I made things bearable by going out in the middle of the day to buy cupcakes with a coworker. We would buy a box of 4 in different flavors and share each one while trading war stories. Unfortunately, she left to go volunteer somewhere/go to gradschool and I am left without a cupcake buddy. Also, I don't think my scale or my dentist appreciate the habit.

I'm trying to figure out something else I could do (especially since its summertime almost) that will bring my smile back .

This Can't be Life.

2009-04-17T02:53:00.003-05:00

I feel off.

I feel like I am actually becoming that person I used to wish I was. I used to be really open and chatty and tell anyone who would sit still long enough to listen everything there was to know about me. Now I don't. Not because I'm suddenly secretive, but because I really have nothing to say. There is nothing to be said. Things are shitty. I am fine.

This started a couple months ago when I was feeling really down, but just wouldn't talk to anyone or say anything. People noticed and I guess were used to the regular me and kinda asked, got my " I really don't feel like talking" response and were confused by it. I felt awful and have since made the effort to talk, not because I have shit to say, but because I almost feel like its expected of me. Things got better and it got easier to "tell" even if I didn't feel like it.

Well now things are shit again and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything other than stay in my bed in my house and be alone. I know they all just want to help but I don't feel like explaining what is going on, don't feel like telling you why your helpful suggestions won't work. I don't feel like dealing with the guilt of you taking it personal when I say that even calling to say "I don't feel like talking. I'm going to bed. Goodnight" feels like a chore.

I just need to go back home and let things get better. I don't truly believe the will anymore though. I just say it now.

I guess in good news the ONE thing keeping me at my job seems to be moving forward. I should be excited, but I haven't told a soul about it. Not being secretive, I am just utterly uninterested.

I want to end the post by saying "it will get better" but I feel like a liar.

I'm tired.

2009-03-08T19:32:00.001-05:00

Could I stay if you cheated?

2009-02-18T21:44:00.001-05:00

When your life is going too fast, off the train tracks...

I kinda miss this..

2009-02-04T10:24:00.003-05:00

there was a time I was on here multiple times a day.

*sigh*

I am content. Kind of.

Work is still what it is but I'm glad Im not worried about being fired, and my H-1 is valid for another couple years, so things are okay there.

I really hate it when women waddle. I have a new coworker who started last week who can't be a day over 26. She has these beautiful wide hips and a very curvy figure, but she waddles.

Like a duck.

Its so.... unsexy. Everytime I see her walk, I push back my shoulders and straighten my back and make sure I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making sure my motion is centered around my spine, and not side-to-side. eh. I guess her waddling adds a little sexy to my step.

Booboo and I recognize that we're probably doomed but aren't doing anything about it. We'll see. Maybe I'm being the eternal pessimist as always.

Work should be insane but I don't give a damn anymore, which has had the most unusual effect of improving my efficiency.

Tax season has me depressed.

I simply can't get enough of http://music.gidilounge.com . At home, at work, sitting in my cube winding my waist and ko mole-ing.

The Ex is being friendly. I don't know how I feel about that.

I need a complete wardrobe overhaul, but I'm not getting that tax refund check I was hoping for.

Eh.

Q1 2009

2009-01-04T21:27:00.001-05:00

Prepare for the FE exam
Update my resume
See a dentist
Invest in Nigeria
Take the GMAT?

I'm Drowning

2008-11-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

And I can't find a life-saver.

How the eff am I supposed to not be scared?

2008-10-20T17:33:00.002-05:00

When I think of you and how you'll be affected with every decison I take and you constantly tell me how I am my own person and I can do whatever I want?

When you randomly tell me you want to move to damn near Siberia (okay, I know, absolute exaggeration, but still!)

Awesome song came on. I'm going to go and curl up in my burning room when i get done slow-dancing.

Wow.

2008-07-01T15:18:00.002-05:00

I am shocked at how much that hurt. And it wasn't what you said. It was what you didn't say. Apparently, no matter what you think, you're never not alone.

Wow. I need a day to process it, then I'll be fine.

I hope.

I need a new blog

2008-05-18T18:13:00.000-05:00

So I'm getting one.

I'll be around.

Yup

2008-05-14T17:14:00.001-05:00

She was wrong. Not the best evaah, but not sucky. :D

I'm not obsessing...

2008-05-12T12:15:00.002-05:00

...yet.

Lets see how long it takes before I break.

Apparently, I'm on a high horse. Someone left me a comment and I haven't the foggiest idea what he/she meant. *sigh* Too bad. If you see this, please elucidate. :)

Yup

2008-04-30T16:27:00.001-05:00

I was right.
What I thought was a perfectly mature conversation broke it.
GoFugYourself.

I guess you had to be there...

2008-04-18T08:59:00.002-05:00

John Mayer tickets in July!!! Woooohooo!!

Life is good. Relatively boring but good. For some reason, I'm not even trying but I'm populating dossiers on faar too many people. Lol. Humans are interesting.

It has been INCREDIBLY difficult to get any work done these past few days. Which is awful since I need to bill a minimum of 8 hoours a day and I have no deliverables to show for it.

I started coming into work this week between 7 and 730. Its amazing how prodctive I can be in that itty bitty time period before 9:30. The rest of the day is worthless.

Okay. Sorry. I was sooo gonna give you gist, but someone came on google and she is waay more interesting. :D

You Know, It's Funny...

2008-03-10T15:46:00.002-05:00

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

I need new music on my iPod

2008-03-10T11:45:00.003-05:00

I need new people around me.
I need new clothes in my closet.
I need new shoes on my rack.
I need a new church with a choir that can sing.
I need a new apartment.
I need a new apartment I can actually afford.
I need a new ibi ise.
Most importantly, right now, I need lunch.

Poised for Withdrawal

2008-03-05T10:07:00.002-05:00

I think I need to take a step back and evaluate who I think am, who I want to be and who I really am.

Random

2008-03-03T10:27:00.002-05:00

My right hand index finger itches something fierce.

I'm there again. I need to move again. Go somewhere else that I know no one then get sad that I don't know anyone then meet people then get irritated with them or myself or both and feel the need to skip to another town.

On the other hand, I visited namesake for the first time and fell in love with her house. It has me itching to put down roots. Picking out carpeting and kitchen appliances and living room furniture and an island for the kitchen and top loader vs. front loader and king vs queen for the guest room and *sigh*.

More later. Work.

I'm having a moment

2008-02-22T15:01:00.002-05:00

And I have no PMS to blame it on.

The day didnt start sucking when I looked out the window and saw about 6 inches of snow. It still wasn't sucking when I braked at a red light and my car kept going. The day started sucking when my numbers wouldn't add up, so I turned to the internet to make it better/waste time. Then I got ignored. I HATE being ignored.

Except its the internet. And it doesn't matter.

Or does it?

I feel a little insane right now. And the public journal got me a little emotional. And Lauryn Hill in my right ear isn't helping much either.

I need to step away from the internet and stick my feet firmly back into my reality.

Angst Free

2008-02-21T23:08:00.001-05:00

And I hate it. I want to obsess. :(

Heart Burn!

2008-01-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

Adrenaline rushing through my body!!!

Lol. I wish. No butterflies. Or evn gnats. Life is boring. Work is evil. Im strangely happy.

God is Awesome. I just have to occasionally remind myself this sometimes.

And all the Evil Beyotches say "Aye"

2008-01-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

So friend 1 got engaged over the break. I met friend 1 throught "friend" 2.

"Friend" 2 had a thing for friend 1 and because friend 1 and I hit it off, "friend" 2 decided I must be boinking him on the side and stopped speaking to us both.

Well, now friend 1 is engaged and Ive spent the last 8 months playing dumb like I don't know there is tension and I don't realize "friend" 2 doesn't exactly love me.

I desperately want to break the news to her that he is engaged, not to vindicate myself of any wrongdoing, but to see if it pains her.

Hi, my name is Tori and I'm going to hell.

Whooosaah

2008-01-11T15:51:00.000-05:00

I need to breathe. I also need to move to naija and get away from BS. I need to have a life and be home at 7pm at night and still be appreciated. Not yelled at for billing too many hours, yet told that I need to consider staying later because shit didnt get done. Fuckers.

So Im Back to Being Psycho.

2007-12-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

Eh. Thats life.

February should return me to sanity....or make me even more crazy.

Life is a Funny Place

2007-12-20T23:57:00.000-05:00

My work honey was my secret Santa. LOL.

Random

2007-12-20T09:02:00.000-05:00

I am no fashionista. I used to have my very own personal style. Then I tried to keep up with the rest of the world. And failed miserably. Everytime I let other people have input on what I wear and how I ought to wear it and mix it up with MY idea of what looks good, I cringe in retrospect. I need to go back to finding and wearing and packing what makes me feel good.

I don't understand people. I probably never will. I try very very hard to make sense of behavior and comments but it never works.

I care deeply about what people think / how people feel. In general, this concern is not returned ( at least from the people I expect it to be from).

I have this amazing ability to delude myself into believing that certain people are closer to me than they are / shared more with me than they did and I bless God for the technology that creates a footprint because I am able to go bakc in time and see what our relationship really is and slap myself back into reality.

I like to think I'm a lot less shallow than I come off.

Resolution 2008

2007-12-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

Flirt with hot guys.

Fighting

2007-12-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

The urge to talk.

The World is Flat

2007-11-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

Its sunday afternoon and I'm sitting at work. I have a very long list of tasks I MUST complete today because our client needs them at 9am tomorrow. I did about 2 hours of work yesterday, and on thursday i pulled an all time high of 18 billable house ( this means I subtracted lunchtime and wasted random time from the total time I was at work). I clearly should be working but I had to put down this thought before I forget it. Leaving work at 4am is clearly not healthy. I got into a discussion with a friend after seeing "Why did I get married" because Im worried that I'm becoming the lawyer chick and she said to me " well youre on vacation. you should not do work on vacation" but then what if there is no one else to do the work?

Interestingly, I'm reading The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman and one of his points is that kids need to find careers in which they have a value-add: something no one else can bring. Someone else said that the only way you have job security is if you do something no one else can do. And i dont really mean absolutely no one else in the universe is capable of doing your task, but the only way you can be absolutely certain you have something to do is if youre the only one who does it. Simple enough right?

But if youre the only one who can do something, anything, then youre the only that can do it. Say goodbye to vacation, silent Blackberrys, etc. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, there has to be, but I cant find it. Everyone on my team, from the lowest of the low to the most senior person in the organization has been workingon this around the clock. What happened to being asleep at 2am?

I love what I do, I honestly do, I just dont know if it gives me space to love anything (or anyone) else.

The Public Journal, Summer 2007

2007-11-17T11:32:00.000-05:00

its like someone stole the thoughts out of my head and put them down.

I'll post the entry soon.

Numb is the new deep

2007-11-06T10:40:00.000-05:00

I feel a sense of Deja Vu....like this is a post I've made before. I used to care so much about what was going on in the universe, what was going on around me. I had a million opinions and loved opportunities to educate people and now I seriously dont care.

Okay, thats a bit extreme. I do care. But a lot of time, I don't want to know. I don't want to know specifics of the madness in Pakistan. I got tired of watching monks get beaten up. I have no idea why precisely Rumsfeld stepped down. I saw "Gates" complaining about China not sanctioning Iran and wondered what Bill Gates business was with Iran. I seriously much rather read fiction.

in other news, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers is pretty good.

St. Patricks Day

2007-10-30T13:34:00.000-05:00

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

Everyone I know graduated and ran out to find a man/woman to settle down with. Its a little annoying. Friends who used to be constantly available no longer can do anything because they want to hang out with a significant other. i guess it feels doubly odd because I was there (in a couple of the cases) egging them on, helping deal with neuroses so the new other doesnt wonder what kind of crazed lunatic they are choosing to deal with. Then it all goes well, then I'm suddenly shut out.
I guess I'll just have to find stuff to do on my own.

Ooh, baby, it's raining.

2007-09-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

Went to school this weekend with Ghanaboy.

fabulous time. That stupid jackass who "only dates black girls" was there. Ignored me entirely the whole time. No big deal, right? Not like I can stand him.

Till the day we were leaving and it was pouring and I was giving Mr. Nigeria a ride back to campus after lunch. He came to suck up to Ghanaboy for a job, ignored me, then followed us to MY car for a ride to wherever the hell he had to go.

I saw him following us trying to get under Sade's umbrella, realized what was going on and laughed then asked " is [moron] planning to get into my car after being incapable of saying hello all weekend?"

I laughed again and kept walking. He mumbled something and ghanaboy said "thats not what you say you idiot, you apologize or say hi or something."

We got to my car and he didnt get in.

Guess who didnt give a shit?

Yoooo!

2007-09-07T09:46:00.000-05:00

I totally typed in my password without looking at the keyboard!

Go me!!!

Up next, world domination!

O My Freaking GAWSH!!!

2007-09-05T13:59:00.001-05:00

I want to have Steve Jobs babies. I can see it now: the pitter-patter of little nano's.

Except the new nano's are fugly. So Shuffles. And someday they will grow up to be iPod Touches.

*sigh*

For Shame!!!

2007-09-05T11:48:00.000-05:00

I just realized my favorite tech blog ( well after fake steve jobs, of course) is not in fact called "Endgadget", but "Engadget", sans "d".

I must officially resign as family/friend tech go-to person and I apologize profusely to the universe for portraying myself as a techie o so falsely.

*hangs head in shame*.

In other news, say I'm overreacting all you want, but I called ol'dude yesterday and left a nice "hey how are you doing message" as I left for work, but when I hadn't got a callback by 11 last night, I deleted the number.

Eh, it was fun while it lasted.

New York, New York

2007-09-04T10:11:00.000-05:00

titles like that make you assume the post is going to be an ode to the [sarcasm] wonderfulness that is [/scarcasm] NYC.

Its not.

I don't totally abhor the city anymore (maybe because I've finally hung out there properly in the summer time so there is less drippage). By "the city" of course, I mean Manhattan. The other 4 boroughs might as well not exist. But thats beside the point.

I couldn't think of a title for the post. And I was in NY for the weekend. So thats that.

Hung out with the bootylicious and we actually had a good time, zero drama. Friday we went out with Femi Kuti and a friend of his. I was DD, and therefore completely sober, so it was fun to watch the other 3 get wasted. As always, as the night wore on, it stopped being so funny and became a bit of a drag when I got tired and they still wanted to hit up other places. In the end sha, it was a good time. Went back to bootylicious house and passed out.

Saturday, I went to Harlem to get my hair braided and as we all know that was the end of the day.

Sunday, went shopping with Ghanaboy. He was horrendously late, so B and I had plenty time to just chill and talk, so it was really nice. Then we had dinner and went home. We had planned to go back out htat night, but laziness set in. We ended up just vegging out on the couch and going to sleep. Headed back monday scared that traffic would be a beast if i left late, but NOTHINGNESS.

So I came home and obsessed about M and made fried rice.

Making plans now to "randomly" call him later today and go to Ithaca this weekend with Ghanaboy.

YES, I'm allowed to call (stop JUDGING ME), he called friday night. And after the very familiar "whats up?" I said "Who is this?"

*grin*

I wasn't playing games jare, I didn't have his number. Fi mi le jo!

Jedi Mind Games

2007-08-29T13:12:00.000-05:00

So of course I get a random text message fro ma random number saying

"Im guessing you're at work now, I'll give you a call later tonight. "

so I get all excited, before I realize its this random kid in Michigan looking for grad school advice.

So I decided (properly this time) to write him off.

....until, of course, 6 months down the line he actually does call and common sense tells me to cut the relationship to that one phonecall but I don't so I end up on the regular rollercoaster and I want to slap myself for my stupidity.

Gah.

Meh.

2007-08-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

I'll eventually stop checking my phone for missed calls.

He was a good kisser tho.

Would you do a line of cocaine, knowing the first hit could kill you?

2007-08-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

What price is too high to pay for the satisfaction of curiosity?

Do you peace out on the last year of college to see if you could make it as a musician or do you do me and wait 9 months to get that degree?

*sigh*

I think you're an idiot, but if you need me, I'm here.

Terminally Single

2007-08-27T07:36:00.001-05:00

So of course I met a nice boy and of course I f*cked it up as usual.

Apparently, me and my big mouth coping strategy told his friend he wasn't cute way back in MAY.

So we hang out this weekend and we end up kissing, and he promises to call but never does. I call his friend (the guy I know him through) and that one is like "Ah, ah, you want him to call you? I thought it was a one night thing now!" and I'm too busy trying to maintain my gangsta so I don't say (as I ought to have) "How many times have you seen me making out with random dudes as one night things?"

So I guess its safe to assume thats over. Either way, you dont wife the girl you swapped spit with in a smoky club.

I want to

2007-08-26T22:14:00.001-05:00

make out all night and go to work exhausted but smiling that secret smile that says I'm ecstatic and I can't tell you about it.

Friday was fan-freakin- tastic. Had a blast ( of course, I absolutely always have a blast with Femi Kuti). But I had a blast for slightly different reasons.

*secret smile*

Except the bastard hasnt called. Eh.

So

2007-08-24T13:10:00.000-05:00

I went out and bought that body pillow like Ive been threatening.

Life is good. I like the new job. I don't know many people (that I actually want to hang out with) in this area so life is pretty boring now and I'm making all sorts of plans for trips out of tow (which usually means a very broke year for me).

Femi Kuti leaves the country next week so I'm going to the city to say goodbye. Meeting up with one of the spring break ladies and V and him to paint the town pastel pink (I KNOW these people are far too boring to do anything remotely red, and I'm designated driver so I gotta be tame too so eh. Cant see ghanaboy because he is in Chicago, so i gotta settle for pink).

Screwed up royally at owrk a few times this week, but apparently I'm allowed since I'm new, but I hear I only get one chance, and I used it up pretty fast. Gotta double check my double checks twice from now on.

One horrifyingly hot cutie, but I haven't made any major moves yet. Just ogling him from the distance for now.

Life is good. And I'm happy.

Tired

2007-07-30T09:28:00.001-05:00

...I wonder if its grounds for a "this isn't a good fit" if I bring a sleeping bag to work and use it during the day.

2007-07-24T10:11:00.000-05:00

There is something shockingly sexy about fit eurpoean men with hairy arms.