The Thickeness..

So all week I've been listening to Robin Thicke ([sarcasm]shocking huh?[/sarcasm]) and I can't help but think how much he must love his wife. I try to remind myself that when people write, it isn't necessarily a reflection of how they feel. Things are inspired by things we see, things we hear about and don't jave to have anything at all to do with what is going on in our lives.

I still can't shake that "Lucky woman to be loved this much" feeling.

Love breaks.

And somehow, every time it happens, we're shocked.

You sit there and you think, this is just a rough patch, we love each other, so obviously its going to work out. Then you remember that conversation with your friend where she told you on the phone tearfully, "I just *knew* I'd found my own. I was settled. Done. And then it fell apart." And you realize that now, 3 years later, it didn't magically fix itself. They were perfect for each other (even in their own eyes), yet they aren't together. So you pause on those drastic measures you had in your head of just leaving him with nothing but a note, as the realization dawns that the thought of him tracking you down and standing out in the rain telling you how you complete him might actually happen, but probably won't end with the kiss that says and forgives and erases everything.

And so you watch it break and you can't do a thing about it, and you're pissed off that, as usual, John Mayer put it perfectly. Slow dancing in a burning room. And then you wonder, wouldn't we all just be FINE in love and not make dumb mistakes if we just took a class on "Continuum"?

Happy Valentines week, y'all.

The Independent Woman ... sorta.

Inspired by Mgbeks.

So I am an independent woman. Sort of. No I didn't have a job till I had been here a year and daddy definitely paid my rent for the first two years, but tuition was paid by my grades. After that, I managed to get a full scholarship that paid room and board also, and a nice cushy campus job for shopping money. Independent-ish, no?

Anyhoo, 5 years post grad (jay-soo, how times flies), I'm definitely on that "car and a crib [err, no crib. Apartment, thank you very much], she bout to pay em both off, and her bills are paid on time" ish. No help from Daddy. In fact, when I went to Naija self, my father quietly reminded him that I owed him $400 for the local flights he helped me book for my trips while I was at home. Omo, the recession was tough on retirees too.

Trust me, I agree with Mgbeks. Bill paying is NOT fun. Every other day, I look at my bills and wonder why I'm not an I-Banker. Just yesterdayI looked at my credit card bills, and after I paid off all my credit cards last month , balance is back up to $3k. All expenses incurred in a week and a half (wisdom tooth extractions plus car wahala = gbese).

So why then did I, as I got out of my nearly paid off car and walked into my office that provided me the freedom to be "fly effortlessly", pray to God that I want to be able to go out clubbing with the girls and BUY MY OWN BOTTLES without worrying about rent or my down-payment savings?

And it has to be before I marry, and before I'm wearing some mans ring. Because I don't want anyone to so much as hint at the money coming from some dude. Everytime I hear "I got Money to Blow" by Young Money I remind God that I NEED to be rich someday soon, while I'm young. There is no sexier image in my head than me in Tribeca or some club, sitting at an all girls table, everyone with a champagne glass and bottles just making their way over. All the dudes looking and wondering "ah ah! who are those babes now?" End of the night, I just hand the bartender my Amex from my well manicured hand without even bothering to look at the "damages".

....Then, some young strapping man can wife me and make me a trophy for all eternity. Amen.

Save Seun Adebiyi!

I ran into this article online today about 26 year old Seun Adebiyi, born in Lagos, moved here when he was 6 and is a Yale Law grad who is trying to be the FIRST EVER Nigerian Winter Olympian.

Except he was diagnosed with cancer.

Leukemia.

He's been through weeks and weeks of chemotherapy, but his doctors say his only chance for survival is a bone marrow transplant.

Sadly, only 8% of bone marrow list registrants are of African descent/African American. And for a match, the person needs to be practically IDENTICAL to you. So his chances of finding a match will be upped dramatically if there are more Nigerians on the list.

I got on the list last year, because a friend was pushing a drive for another friend of hers, a Yale Med student who is biracial (imagine how small HER numbers are) . She passed away last August.

The process is really simple. You go on the website (in this case, for a free kit go to www.dkmsamericas.org) direct link to sign up page is https://www.dkmsamericas.org/bone-marrow-donors/become-marrow-donor

Fill out the questionnaire and they will mail you a kit. All you have to do is use the Qtips to take cheek swabs and mail it back in in the pre-paid envelope.

IF (and this is a huge if) you are selected to be a donor, you go in, do some additional testing, and they use a syringe to take some marrow out of your pelvis (not much tougher than giving blood) and thats it.

I have posted a link to Seun's HuffPo article here

and his blog is at http://nigeria2014.wordpress.com/

Help save this guys life.

Please pass on this information. Even if you are not a match for Seun, you may be able to save someone else's life by signing up.

She watched it die slowly.

Is happiness simply a matter of telling yourself to "be happy"? Is it internal and a choice, and not (solely) a result of external stimulus?

There is a thin line between really unhappy and being depressed, and it's incredibly hard to determine what side of the line you're on after a while.

Taking Stock 2009

Me too I can do. You hear, mgbeks and tanyement?

Faith
I think started this year at an all-time low. Or maybe that happened somewhere in the middle of the year. I guess it hit me how low I'd slipped when someone asked me where I stood on religion and I told him I was somewhere between theist agnosticism and Christianity with Christian leanings. WTF does that mean? I realize I DO believe. I disagree/do not understand a bunch of things, but thats okay. So In the last couple months, I've been trying to fix things. Working at getting my butt back into bible study and church, and praying more. Planning to be at my usual place at 12:01am (abi is it PM? Confuses me all the time), January 1, 2010 - Church.

Family
I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them. God has been awesome this past year and blessed us in ways that promise me that we will spend at LEAST as much time together in this coming year as we did last year. We're all healthy, and happy, and safe and blessed (and GROWING!!!!!). I hosted thanksgiving for the first time, and it was so much fun that I'm considering starting a tradition!

Friendship
It was a quiet year. I guess I realize that I know a lot of people, but I truly am friends with a few. Being the person that I am, I had a couple moments when I looked at groups of friends who do everything together and felt a little sad, but thats (my) life. My schedule is to blame for a lot of this (along with time zones and 6 odd thousand miles of distance). My friends have been good to me. We may not speak every day (or even every week) but when we do, I truly feel the love.

Finances
Ugh. Thats all. Okay just kidding. I'm a little ashamed to say that my savings are even lower than where they were at the start of the year (even with a pay raise), but the truth is, I have a few good reasons. I upped what I was paying on my car-note (car-note free by June 2010 IJN, 2 years early), moved to a new apartment that I LOVE (even though it has more than doubled my rent), bought furniture and went to Nigeria. I racked up a little CC debt on the way but my plan is to enter 2010 debt free and with a clean slate. And save save save save save!!

Education/Career
Career-wise, the year was disappointing. I am not where I expected to be, and its a little depressing when your mates leave you behind, but I know God has got me and this might be my final push to what I need to do education-wise. I had planned to take the FE exam this year, and the book is still sitting on my dining table unopened, but I'm trying to change some things around here, so watch this space.

Relationships
I continue to be grateful for the wonderful support that was given to me. This year was truly defining. I went from seeing someone every weekend, to seeing him everyday to not being sure when next I'll see him (current expected date: August 2010). Its been tough, but my prayer continues to be "God, if this isn't my own, abeg, take it away from me, so I can find mine". So far, he hasn't gone anywhere :)

Physical Health and Fitness
Yeah, ummmm..... yeah. Right. About that. So I gained a couple pounds this year (I hear those who know me sing alleluia), which I have no problem with, but my arms have lost their definition. :( I didn't use my gym membership ONCE, but I'm healthy sha (*knocks on wood*).

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I continue to say I have none (re: addictions). I still talk too much sha. That ain't changed. Social life? Non existent. Between work and life drama, I did nothing this year. Went to India. Thats it. None of the usual travelling around the country just for the heck of it. I travelled so little that I didn't realize airlines charged you for checked bags until November!

Miscellaneous
2009 was eh at best, and disappeared far too quickly. I learned that things don't always work out the way you planned (which is a new one for me) but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For 2010, I plan to be grateful.

Can't Shake the feeling

I used to get really lonely, even in a crowd of people. I blamed it on not having anyone to call my own, figured it was that natural god-created yearning for a mate, and I figured it would pass when I had someone.

It didn't.

I feel really lonely again, and tonight sitting alone in my apartment watching TV, the feeling is pretty darned strong. Not strong enough to regret the decision to live alone, just strong.

I just spent the day watching CNBC and I'm in a panic once again that my spending is out of control. This *might* have something to do with a classmate of mine just buying a Car and a house and my not being even close to that right now. Yes, all fingers are not equal etc etc, but I should have saved enough by now that I have a down-payment together. I'm also more than a little ashamed of the fact that my savings today are at the exact same place they were this time last year.

I wish I could tell you where the money went. Okay, I did buy furniture. But that only accounts for about $2,000. Okay maybe $3,000. STILL, God help me. I will do better in 2010.

And omo, no tax refund last year mayne. So my naija ticket money this year had to come from savings. I am soooo going to a tax accountant next year. This rape and pillaging cannot continue. I'm about to become a republican. Kai!

I also need to diversify my savings. It used to be cute to put all my money in a Money Market account that many of the banks are offering when interest rates were 5%. Now, I'm earning about 1.3% on my money, while the stock market is happily rebounding without me! What nonsense! Was doing some reading on Roth IRAs and I just realized that there is no penalty for withdrawing contributions early! I need to up my percent investment, and also open an investment account.

I need more ideas about how to make my money work for me (especially since I think I'm going to go back to school in 2011).

Honestly

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Hi.

Still here.

Finally got those FE books. 2009 is not yet over. Yes we can!

Growing up is hard to do. Ah ahn! it is well o.

I'm learning that in Corporate America, if you don't toot your own horn, you might as well not have done the work.

I'm also realizing I am not here to make friends. People who deserve to be bitch-slapped will be bitch-slapped. Word to your mother.

I don't think I'm getting promoted this cycle. Which actually doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that I worked very hard at being all things to all people, and the specifically acted like I didn't. I spent 6 month whoring my expertise and time, and I got a "Tori occasionally reaches out to the team to help". Six. Straight. Months. Of doing everything for everyone. And I get an "occasionally"? My feelings are officially hurt.

Living and learning.

Otherwise, my life is brilliant.

On a much less melodramatic note

Gosh. I am totally useless without him here! I need a new lappie and I have no clue where to even start searching. *Sigh*

Didn't sleep well last night because I went to bed so early, but he called when he landed which made me smile. Did my running around today as planned, and I'm feeling a lot saner. I'm still considering cashing in on the sympathy and calling in sick tomorrow sha. Abeg, life is short and your boyfriend only moves to another country once.

2009 is coming to a close and I still havent started some stuff on my VERY short 2009 to-do list. Sad ehn?

He's gone.

I'm more than slightly heartbroken. I'm watching HGTV by myself and trying my hardest (and failing) not to cry.

I wish he was here. That about sums up exactly how I feel.

I need

Indomie in my life.

On Love.

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.

So I moved into my own place last weekend...

So far, I LOVE IT. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT. I love arriving home at night, I love waking up in the morning and knowing there's no one there but me and its all mine, I love walking naked from my bedroom to my kitchen (I don't have a trashcan in my bedroom jo), and I am beyond excited about furniture shopping.

Im still freaking out just a tad about expenses and making mental notes to remove all the incandescent bulbs and replace them with flourescent ones but I think I'll be fine. I need to clean the place properly, my cable and internet gets set up on saturday and I'll be HOME! Woohooo.

So I need to buy a set of couches, a TV (and TV stand) and maybe a small dining table. Side tables, a coffee table and a small carpet (rug) for the living room would be nice, but I know I don't have to do those this second. If work wasn't so awful right now, I'd be half through this list, but as it is, I havent even had time to clean the old place and hand over the keys to the landlord.

Im really excited, but sorta worried at the same time about being lonely. I know, although Ive always had a room-mate, my most recent roommate was never ever home and the ones before that, we really didn't talk so its not like Im missing someone to hang with. I guess I just liked knowing there was someone there.

We'll see. Another new chapter.

In unrelated news, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MSN PASSWORD IS!!! Aaaarrrgh!

As Usual

I'm worrying about money. According to CNN money, I should be saving 10.9% of my income for retirement. So I guess this 3% in my 401-k really wont fly. Of course this comes after I signed my lease on my $1400 apartment.

Not like it would have changed my mind much sha, let me not lie. I'm going to furnish the heck out of that place and actually LIVE there. And I'm going to love every second of it.

Just read this article on the NY times site and I don't know how I feel about it. The argument is that she fought to keep her marriage without fighting. And she says she didn't beg him to stay. Not letting him leave is the same as asking him to stay. Fantasia said "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself." Go.

Which maybe points back to me not being ready to be married and swallow my own pride and fight for something bigger.

Everyday some new facet of marriage shows itself to me and scares me. No warm fuzzies here. Yesterday it was the couple who went to Mexico for their first anniversary who got hit by some wave while swimming. He died. How does she survive? Today it's men trying to leave you and using the children as an excuse. "The kids would want me to be happy". I have never heard anything as stupid in my life.

*sigh*

Adulthood isn't easy.

On the other hand, a question posed by a friend today made me realize that I don't have any person-specific reservations about boo anymore. At least none that I can think of this moment.

I guess we'll see where this goes.

Blankets...

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

So I opened my super secret other blog to go vent, and I found out that it had been hijacked by spam bots! Hmph! Nonsense and ingredients.

I'm quite annoyed and refuse to open a third.

Moving in 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. A lot of space, first time living alone, and the apartment costs an arm and about 12 legs, so I'm freaking out a little about money (and for some stupid reason checking my bank balance every day, like that is going to decrease my rent. Hmph.).

My old roomie is being a pain and wants to switch the electricity bill to my name for the one month I'm here without her which is irritating considering that I'm moving out halfway through the month and so I'll be opening another account with them overlapping the time (and as far as I know, they wont let you have 2 at the same time....not entirely sure about that one sha). *hiss*. I am not clear what difference it would make if we left it as is and I deposited money into her account as we've always done. *Sigh* One more reason to live alone and not have to deal.

I need to go furniture shopping. At last, my own place, so I fully intend to completely furnish it within the first month. Well, at least couches, if not wall art. I'm excited.

And what is it with all these people popping babies? And quitting their jobs in a recession?

I forgot how awesome "The Breakup" was. And sorta think mine will be just like that. Which is a depressing thought. But I do depressing.

And now "you oughta know" is stuck in my head.

Am I just easy?

I have got on a shitload of planes to go visit guys. Guy's I'm friends with, guys I'm "talking to", guys I'm dating, guys I'm in crush with. All of it.

And I've only ever had one dude pay half (and that sure didn't turn out well, but that's a looooong story for another day. Yes, sirree, I paid for all the other tickets myself. Heck , the question didn't even come up about whether or not they'd be paying all or part of my my way. I went out,had fun came back and thought nothing of it....

....Until today when a friend of mine started a facebook discussion on whether or not it meant "He's not that into you" if he didn't offer to pay for at least half your ticket.

Dang.

So according to the first 57 responses, he should offer. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Not all 57 said that. Maybe only 56). And I'm here doing a silent tally in my head wondering "chei, I've wasted how many thousand dollars 'catching trips' " when I shoulda been doing that junk for free!

So my expectation has always been to pay my own way, then maybe pay for one meal before I leave as a "thanks for the hospitality" but sorta assume he'll pay my expenses while I'm there (abeg jo, tickets are expensive, and I AM a guest. But I carry vex money sha. I have definitely encountered the occasional cheapskate).

Is that odd?

The Haters that be...

Have abused me about comment moderation, so I have removed it.

:D