I'm Older!!!!

And happier, and prettier, and contenter, and dancier and so so so pleased with life.

This entire week has felt like 9am on a tuesday morning (which, if you didn't know, is a really good time to be alive).

I feel like i should do a birthday "Taking Stock" so here goes:

Faith
Things are still not perfect (as defined in my head) but I'm doing okay. Having some conversations with God and with people whose opinions I respect to help me understand what I do and don't believe. But I can say for sure that I truly believe that love is truly the greatest of them all and it trumps absolutely every rule and every law.

Family
I love them I love them I love them some more. That is all. The girls really do rock my world even if I don't say this to them all that often. I love being around them and I couldn't ask for much more.

Friendship
The big word here is gratitude. It was a really tough year personally, and people came through for me in so many ways. From midnight trips to my house to sit on the couch and just watch TV, to listening to me cry on the phone for hours, to hearing me whine about the same dumb ish over and over and over and over without saying "you really need to just get over it" to checking in regularly so I don't sit by myself and be miserable, to notes that essentially said "I know this is tough and you are loved", to dragging me out dancing no matter how tired I claimed to be, my friends really did come through for me, and I will be eternally grateful. We are changing and the relationships are evolving and I don't necessarily feel as close to certain people as I did before, but that's okay. Life happens and I love them just as much (and possibly more) than I did before.

Finances
I've been terrible. I haven't saved a penny this year because I've been flying everywhere. A couple unexpected bills later and I'm somehow broker now than I was this time last year, even after a raise and a bonus. I'm praying my raise next month is huge (*laughs at self*) so I can somehow try to catch up, but eh, I've decided to take the L on 2011 and just enjoy the ride. I'll start over in 2012.

Education/Career
Work is good again. Well, calm again. I love the team I've been working with for the past 6 months and it seems they love me too. I say this every year but it might actually be time to move on. We'll see though. I'm applying for a NY transfer so I can have my year in the city, but I don't see it happening anytime soon considering the wait. I had lofty B-school plans this time last year but those got shelved while I was being crazy (see above). I've had some time to think about it and the plans might be permanently shelved. Still thinking about it though. I have another 2 months before I have to commit.
I toyed with the idea of moving to Nigeria for a while, but I don't think its going to happen yet. My biggest driver was escaping sadness and I did. I still plan to be there in December. Lets see if Lagos still has its pull.

Relationships
I'm in a good place. I'm (sorta) dating again, and I'm actually really excited about meeting new people, compared to a few months ago when I had an internal meltdown (despite my outward elation) every time something happened. I'm still in love with love and my heart is still wiiiiiide open (which might not be a good thing), but baby steps. I'm finally done missing him, but I will admit I miss having a person. Working on ensuring I am ready for something new and not just trying to fill a void.

Physical Health and Fitness
So yeah. I started out well. Hired a personal trainer and was doing really good for like 3 months then laziness set in. Is it enough to promise to start running again next month? I'm dancing enough to constitute regular excercise though.

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
No addictions. Still an attention whore. LOVING LIFE right now. I made a decision around January to "enjoy the journey" and boy, has it been an excellent run since like March. I'm broke but really happy. Most weekends between now and September are booked and I'm taking french lessons.

26 was eventful to say the least. I'm happy about where I am and I am understanding that life is made up of little moments and I'm planning to live every single one of them. I thought I might be weird about getting older but I'm not. I'm content. All the small things are in perfect order, and take up my day to day existence, so I'm just not going to worry about the big ones and I'm going to dance.

And it continues...

Coming off another awesome weekend. I woke up this morning 40 minutes early and I wasn't even pissed. My wi-fi wasn't working so I couldn't check my usual AM-before-I-get-out-of-bed websites, and that was cool too. I just picked up my book and started reading.

I'm all gooey and gay and bright. Lol. It's cute I think.

Worked till 7 friday and then went home and read and read and read. Spent saturday morning reading too. Started spring cleaning my house but laziness and Anthony Bourdain: Without Reservations set in and I gave up on that. I ended up kinda chilling out till it was time to go to my friends moms 60th birthday and meet up with a bunch of the grad school girls. Foolish times were had by all and by midnight I understood that the Yoruba in me is deep. I beremoled and judied to my hearts desire even thought I was supposed to be helping my friends mom gather the money they sprayed her. I had a blast sha. Met up with a couple people I had met before and finally met my friends new husband and my other friends long term boyfriend. BBMed and gisted till 3:30am.

Next morning we all had brunch and I finally met the famous Pedro (who is planning to propose to his girlfriend in two days! Redunk! Life just happens so fast. One day you're a lost grad student, and the next you're turning 30 and hoping your girlfriends sister doesn't let out the secret.), and laughed to my hearts content. Spent the rest of the afternoon having the most chill, laid back, unpretentious and hilarious time ever, and then went home and gisted with my sisters for hours. I literally went to sleep laughing.

Things are still looking up and awesome. I just have to continue to remind myself to take things a day at a time but still just enjoy every moment of the experience. Definitely something new. :)

My self confidence is back. I remember blogging a long time ago about vacationing with 2 beautiful women with self image issues and being very uncomfortable because I had never had any major issues with the way I looked.

As hard as it is to admit it, that changed while I was with him.

And being away from him for the past year and a half has me back to where I used to be. Walking past the mirror and loving what I see.

I am patiently waiting

• For the day I don't drive up to my apartment and look at the front door, hoping you're either standing there waiting for me or that there is a package there from you
• For the day I don't walk by the front desk at work when the UPS guy comes and look up expectantly for my name to be called because there are flowers or cupcakes or serta frigging counting sheep waiting for me
• For the day I can just listen to Evolver and it's just an album
• For the day I don't have to restrain myself from talking about you
• For the day I'm not sad about how you'll miss out on every change that happens to me. From my new smell, to the scar on the back of my right hand to my changing body.
• For the hour I don't think about you.
  
  

Why do I still feel so broken?

Maybe.

I want to say I feel better, but I think every time I say that something happens. :P

I'm good. Enjoying the company of friends who are checking in a little more often than usual and fronting like they actually want to talk to my boring ass.

Work is hella busy and I'm working on interesting stuff so it's been a blessing. My friends have been kind enough to not leave me alone and drag me around with them, so I think I only feel sad when Pandora or my iPod conspire to remind me that even though love is hard, perseverance exists and you can choose to stick it through and make it work and thats what makes it extra special.

One of my loves gave me something to think about. I think the hardest part for me has been the thought that I had found someone that I was ridiculously compatible with, and in all honesty, I had never met anyone who fit me as well in all my twenty-six years of being and I realize that there are no guarantees that I ever will again. So it hurt that he felt the same way, but was willing to take that chance out of sheer laziness. Also, I know what I want out of a relationship now and, I wont lie, I'm a little scared that I wont ever find someone who finds all my annoyingnesses amusing and loves my uncuteness and finds my knowitallness refreshing.

(Still waiting for what my friend gave me to think about? lol) Aaaaaaanyhooo, I was talking with my friend about this and she said maybe he felt that way about my (perceived) imperfections because he loved me. Not that he loved me because of them. I had to take like 3 days to think about that one.

And maybe she's right.

Maybe someone will fall in love with all the fun energetic life-is-beautiful-first-thing-in-the-morning, ridiculous-amounts-of-useless-information, i'll-try-most-things-once and everything-can-be-laughed-at of me, and because of that still love the I-wear-my-own-hair-and-makeup-is-a-chore-and-my-lips-stay-chapped-ness of me with my i-have-to-have-the-last-word-and-i-am-absolutely-always-right and maybe even not commit suicide at how I have yet to meet my match at stubbornness. And maybe even not care that I don't cook*.

Maybe. :)

*Yes, sharrap, I still maintain that I don't cook. Even if it does seem like every time you call me I'm cooking something new, I am not advertising that, because months hit that I retire from the kitchen.

Love breaks.

And somehow, every time it happens, we're shocked.

You sit there and you think, this is just a rough patch, we love each other, so obviously its going to work out. Then you remember that conversation with your friend where she told you on the phone tearfully, "I just *knew* I'd found my own. I was settled. Done. And then it fell apart." And you realize that now, 3 years later, it didn't magically fix itself. They were perfect for each other (even in their own eyes), yet they aren't together. So you pause on those drastic measures you had in your head of just leaving him with nothing but a note, as the realization dawns that the thought of him tracking you down and standing out in the rain telling you how you complete him might actually happen, but probably won't end with the kiss that says and forgives and erases everything.

And so you watch it break and you can't do a thing about it, and you're pissed off that, as usual, John Mayer put it perfectly. Slow dancing in a burning room. And then you wonder, wouldn't we all just be FINE in love and not make dumb mistakes if we just took a class on "Continuum"?

Happy Valentines week, y'all.

The Independent Woman ... sorta.

Inspired by Mgbeks.

So I am an independent woman. Sort of. No I didn't have a job till I had been here a year and daddy definitely paid my rent for the first two years, but tuition was paid by my grades. After that, I managed to get a full scholarship that paid room and board also, and a nice cushy campus job for shopping money. Independent-ish, no?

Anyhoo, 5 years post grad (jay-soo, how times flies), I'm definitely on that "car and a crib [err, no crib. Apartment, thank you very much], she bout to pay em both off, and her bills are paid on time" ish. No help from Daddy. In fact, when I went to Naija self, my father quietly reminded him that I owed him $400 for the local flights he helped me book for my trips while I was at home. Omo, the recession was tough on retirees too.

Trust me, I agree with Mgbeks. Bill paying is NOT fun. Every other day, I look at my bills and wonder why I'm not an I-Banker. Just yesterdayI looked at my credit card bills, and after I paid off all my credit cards last month , balance is back up to $3k. All expenses incurred in a week and a half (wisdom tooth extractions plus car wahala = gbese).

So why then did I, as I got out of my nearly paid off car and walked into my office that provided me the freedom to be "fly effortlessly", pray to God that I want to be able to go out clubbing with the girls and BUY MY OWN BOTTLES without worrying about rent or my down-payment savings?

And it has to be before I marry, and before I'm wearing some mans ring. Because I don't want anyone to so much as hint at the money coming from some dude. Everytime I hear "I got Money to Blow" by Young Money I remind God that I NEED to be rich someday soon, while I'm young. There is no sexier image in my head than me in Tribeca or some club, sitting at an all girls table, everyone with a champagne glass and bottles just making their way over. All the dudes looking and wondering "ah ah! who are those babes now?" End of the night, I just hand the bartender my Amex from my well manicured hand without even bothering to look at the "damages".

....Then, some young strapping man can wife me and make me a trophy for all eternity. Amen.

On Love.

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.

As Usual

I'm worrying about money. According to CNN money, I should be saving 10.9% of my income for retirement. So I guess this 3% in my 401-k really wont fly. Of course this comes after I signed my lease on my $1400 apartment.

Not like it would have changed my mind much sha, let me not lie. I'm going to furnish the heck out of that place and actually LIVE there. And I'm going to love every second of it.

Just read this article on the NY times site and I don't know how I feel about it. The argument is that she fought to keep her marriage without fighting. And she says she didn't beg him to stay. Not letting him leave is the same as asking him to stay. Fantasia said "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself." Go.

Which maybe points back to me not being ready to be married and swallow my own pride and fight for something bigger.

Everyday some new facet of marriage shows itself to me and scares me. No warm fuzzies here. Yesterday it was the couple who went to Mexico for their first anniversary who got hit by some wave while swimming. He died. How does she survive? Today it's men trying to leave you and using the children as an excuse. "The kids would want me to be happy". I have never heard anything as stupid in my life.

*sigh*

Adulthood isn't easy.

On the other hand, a question posed by a friend today made me realize that I don't have any person-specific reservations about boo anymore. At least none that I can think of this moment.

I guess we'll see where this goes.

Blankets...

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

Am I just easy?

I have got on a shitload of planes to go visit guys. Guy's I'm friends with, guys I'm "talking to", guys I'm dating, guys I'm in crush with. All of it.

And I've only ever had one dude pay half (and that sure didn't turn out well, but that's a looooong story for another day. Yes, sirree, I paid for all the other tickets myself. Heck , the question didn't even come up about whether or not they'd be paying all or part of my my way. I went out,had fun came back and thought nothing of it....

....Until today when a friend of mine started a facebook discussion on whether or not it meant "He's not that into you" if he didn't offer to pay for at least half your ticket.

Dang.

So according to the first 57 responses, he should offer. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Not all 57 said that. Maybe only 56). And I'm here doing a silent tally in my head wondering "chei, I've wasted how many thousand dollars 'catching trips' " when I shoulda been doing that junk for free!

So my expectation has always been to pay my own way, then maybe pay for one meal before I leave as a "thanks for the hospitality" but sorta assume he'll pay my expenses while I'm there (abeg jo, tickets are expensive, and I AM a guest. But I carry vex money sha. I have definitely encountered the occasional cheapskate).

Is that odd?