Would you do a line of cocaine, knowing the first hit could kill you?

What price is too high to pay for the satisfaction of curiosity?

Do you peace out on the last year of college to see if you could make it as a musician or do you do me and wait 9 months to get that degree?

*sigh*

I think you're an idiot, but if you need me, I'm here.

Bipolar

He was extremely sweet over lunch. Which was hilarious because I was expecting him to grab my plate and throw it in my face just to keep it going with the recent manic-lunatic shit he pulled yesterday.

*shrug*

I saved the conversations, just in case I forget what kind of asshole he is. I'm not mad. I don't hate him, I just know we really aren't friends.

I really should invest in that body pillow.

Hmm.

Apparently, he's sorry. Lunch tomorrow.

Done.

Niggas and flies
I do despise
But the more I see niggas,
The more I like flies.

I'm done. You really are an asshole in every sense of the word.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

LORD, I HATE DRAMA.

Stupid me went to go and do good samaritan and people started disrespecting a negro for no reason. Abi gini?

So its [ivy leagues excuse for crazy homecoming type event when football team sucks] and everyone is out and about.

We are all acting a fool when we run into this girl I know. Warm body spots her and decides he is in love. No biggie. Life is great.

Except SHE ISN'T FEELING HIM. End of story. Still no big deal right?

Nooooooo, your girl Tori, savior of the universe decides to help a sista out. So my girl B calls me aside to say she thinks Warm body is nice and all, but she is feeling my sweetheart, my honey bunches of oats, the one and only chivalrous male at [school].

YAAAAAY. My baby is about to get some play! (Not that I'm saying he doesn't get play, o. But he isn't a man-whore like the rest of them)

SCREEEEECH. Brakes. Warm body won't leave her side. So I decide to play good samaritan and I tell my sweetheart what the deal is, so he can move in, but apparently, its against the Man Code. His friend got there first and so he cannot holla till his friend, of his own volition, leaves the babe alone.

Ah well. Except STOOOPID Jamaica ( im tired of wasting endearments jo, lets call him jamaica) tells Mr. Nigeria wassup, and Mr. Nigeria decides to tell warm body to back off. Mr. Nigeria SOBER isn't the most tactful SOB in the world ( I love him anyway) but he's been drinking. I have no clue how he told ol boy, but warm body backs off, but gets all salty. Rejection is a bitch, what can I say.

Except he fucking goes to talk to his boy, the other Goo.nie and next thing I know the idiot is not speaking to me.

WTF?

No be you the girl reject ooo, na you boy, that is why when I'm addressing you and asking you if you can help me find my phone, you COMPLETELY IGNORE me when we are the only people in the room?

Its all good. Na me cause am. Because I dey follow you shine teeth like say na my teeth dey cause sunlight and sunset, that be why you think say you fit dey do me anyhow.

I'm not even mad at warmbody self for whatever he said. Hell, if na me self, I go think say the girl I'm messing with dey block. I would be sorely dissapointed sha, because he clearly doesn't understand the nature of our relationship. I am purely objectifying him. I don't like to sleep alone, so you are just a warm animate object beside me. I DON'T WANT YOU LIKE THAT. Just in case youre reading this, when she asked me about you I PUT IN A FUCKING GOOD WORD. *rollseyes*

Me sef, I suppose leave all this one behind. What is that new T.I. song that isnt even out that he performed at the concert today? "Big shit poppin, l'il shit stoppin". My brain don fry.

How you Put Yourself out there is How you will be percieved

In summary: If you booty-IM (calling is soooo 2005) people, there is a good chance they will offer to pour liquor on you "like in big -pimpin" (which was quite possibly the most demeaning use of alcohol I've ever seen). Nothing spoil sha. I can't even be insulted. Na me cause am.

In other news, I'm going insane with work. I would like nothing other than to have someone wrap their arms around me while I grab my 3 hours of sleep a night, but apparently that person doesn't exist. Its fooling around or nothing. *smh*

I guess I'll take nothing.

Also, you have too many friends on facebook if you continually have "who the eff is that?" moments when people update pictures.

I miss U.go. Mostly because there are 800 million pictures of him on facebook having a blast without me. Hair appointment in the morning. Alleluia.

I wonder if warm body still reads this. I don't think I care. I want to get a little more explicit (by explicit I mean detailed, you filthy minds) but I have no clue how many people actually know me. I ain't trynna do a Ms.Annabella repeat.

Damn. I just put myself out there.

You Always Want What You Haven't Got

So I'm walking home from class to get my cellphone that I forgot at home earlier today, when my mind went back to my ...umm... encounter over the weekend.

Its the perfect situation. We're cool. He doesn't call me to ask what I meant. I don't wander around thinking about what he said or what he did or whether or not he likes me or whether or not I stuck my foot in my mouth as usual and said something to make him hate me and all the other usual crap I obsess about when I'm in like or crush or whatever else I'm usually in.

That is exactly the problem. Im not in....anything. I'm totally emotionally detached. And it bothers me. All of a sudden I want to be that girl who obsesses....I just feel very....weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go delude myself into believing that I want to have this mans babies or anything equally dumb, I'm just uncomfortable with how okay with this I am.
Or was.

I have no idea what I want. I know I don't want emotional entanglement. I'm too busy with work and life to be having stupid "we need to talk" conversations with anyone about "the state of the union".

But then, I'm shocked at how I don't feel remotely guilty. Outside of the daft smile I always wear the next day when I whine about how tired I am and the quick text message to Ineka, I could care less.

I can't organize my thoughts to make a proper post and explain what Im thinking.
Hell, this post probably isn't about what you think it is. I might be Freying. Or my brain might be on strike.

Eyes Wide Shut

I feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer, because, even to my eyes, it seems very "in love/like". It isn't. It is a slightly poetic description of a flawed friendship, complicated by something that happened that felt so nice that I'm having difficulty reminding myself that having this person as a friend is more important than "just one more time" that will probably eliminate any leftover shards of the easy (or was it?) camaraderie that once existed. The problem is that my head is slowly altering the memories so that I come to a point where I think "fuck it, we weren't really friends anyway, and in 5 weeks, I'll never see him again", or " I like you better when we're making out anyway". On the other hand , I truly think I miss him, but I'm wondering if all the whining about missing my buddy and mourning the loss of a great friendship is a figment of my imagination too. I might be creating false memories of a close connection to give myself and excuse to want to escape the awkwardness, when in reality, its just my hormones speaking.

Keeping my Eyes Closed
I don't know what I want.
I look at you and wonder
How did it feel so good?
Skinny lips, chipped tooth,
But when my eyes are closed
And I cant see who I'm with
I'm with you, with
a perfect mouth, perfect words
Laughter that makes me pause and absorb. The Timbre
of your voice that makes me exclaim out loud to myself how much
I like your voice. I open my eyes and you
make very little sense.
You say stupid things that make me wonder what I'm thinking. You call me "silly girl" and I feel like you ran your nails across a chalkboard.
You see my imperfections and I am ashamed. No, not ashamed, angry. Angry, not because I didn't know they were there. Angry because you see them and too tactless to ignore them.
My eyes are open and I am annoyed by you, for always having to dismiss me. Annoyed at your way of saynig the last word and running away before I can counter. Annoyed because you know I like to be the dismisser, and you have robbed me of my little selfish, childish joy.
Then I close my eyes again and you make me laugh over and over. You remind me of what being carefree was about. You make me giggle and blush with the unorthodox things about me that impress you because you are able to be impressed without using those condescending words. My eyes are closed as you sing my praises to everyone who will sit still long enough to listen. And while my eyes are closed, I enjoy you more. I enjoy your silliness, your random weirdnesses. While my eyes are closed, I revel in your youth, your dreams for who you want to be, your creativity, the ardor with which you want to fly.
And so I keep my eyes closed so I can blot out the pranks, the WTF moments, the I-want-to-punch-you moments, the moments I want to slap myself for allowing the "disrespect", the dismissals.

My eyes are open now, but I long to shut them again, so I can pretend the world only exists in darkened dormrooms with butterfly kisses that make you ask me what I'm looking at.

How in the Hell

Is today just Monday? I feel like its thurdsay. This is what happens when you literally party all weekend and get out of bed before bed each day with no naps in between.

Teehee. I sound like an old woman.

Screw everything, after this test, I'm going home to pass out.

I think we might be on out way to being cool again. We'll see what happens.

Wistful

I miss everyone. I got back from Miami, wilded out all week ( the party started Thursday and ended tonight) and it hit me. Its over.

I'm gone come May.

Friday night was amazing. I went out in an itty bitty dress (Beyonce, as much as I hate to admit it, was right about that dress) and got enough "Daaaaayum's" and double takes to last me the rest of the semester. And, of course, the attention didn't do much for my decision to behave myself. It was a blast though.

Tonight was more special. Everyone came out and I saw everyone and saw oh so clearly exactly why I'm going to miss absolutely every last one of them.

From Mr. Nigeria with his "I'm going to DO that girl men!!" and the flip to a serious conversation about reality in the next sentence to Femi Kuti and his dance floor antics. From Ikenna and his "always on time"-ness to Ek.eh and how adorable he is when he is trying to act grown. I saw Warm Body and it hit me how much I missed they day we met when we sat there and chilled for the entire day. I fucked up. I should have let things be the way they were and had someone I could sit with and shoot the shit for 9 straight hours.

Ov.ie and I had a funny moment.
I asked him what he was doing later. I meant graduation. He thought I meant after the party so he said he was going to pass out in his bed from exhaustion. I said that was nice, but it wasn't what i meant. The look on his face was worth money. Even funnier was how I sharply denied any underhanded intentions and his mock hurt. I'll miss his smile when I tease him about being hot.

I'm done. I have another exam to fail on Monday. Screwed is the understatement of the century.

I'm seriously going to miss this place. Everyone is going to think I'm crazy with my pre-emptive I miss you's.

I Messed Up

and lost a friend.

And I can't even front and act like it wasn't my fault. I knew it was a bad decision anyway, but I went ahead and eternally eliminated a source of laughter from my life. First time I met him, We hung out for the ENTIRE day, he was that much fun. Me, him and his lunatic buddy. It was a blast. We talked about absolutely everything. Hell, I even tried to sell him John Mayer ( I don't think he bought it, but that's okay...tomorrow is another day...well, the point of this blog is that there is no tomorrow, so bleh). And then I went and blew it.

Now things are all weird. He has been totally mature about the entire thing, but things are awkward. Before, with all my boys (I like to call all the guys here that I'm cool with "my boys"...its sorta fun to be the buddy/mother figure chick for cooks for you, laughs at your antics, gives you woman advice, yet parties with you...don't tell them I call them that sha.. It might not go down too well.) it was a crime not to give me a real hug when you see me, and if you mess around and not say hello properly, I will yell at you for it. Now I'm not sure if its allowed. We do the Stranger "hey wassup" and I'm scared to do my usual "na fight? Will you get over here and hug me PROPERLY" or fall into a bear hug lest it be misinterpreted. He is scared to do his usual messing with me on sight and go "ah ah, you're looking nice today, o, which man are you hunting" or "damn, your hair looks a little weird, you no try" (which used to irk me and win him a punch) lest it be misinterpreted.

It sucks. I even miss being mad at him for being tactless.

Nothing is worth losing camaraderie.

I finally cut off Mr. Nigeria for not having an excuse for us losing our buddyness. I don't even talk to Femi Kuti nearly as much as I used to, but i could care less. I am upset, on the other hand about Mr. Nigeria who used to call me to call me. We used to study together, fight all the time and just sit around and talk. He would talk to me about all kinds of things, who he slept with last night, who he really likes, his worries about school, everything, then suddenly....nothing.

I tried to call him to do lunch, dinner, study, anything, but he was always busy. At a point, I just called him and cussed him out , but still nothing. I finally gave up when he was there with me Friday night when I was drunk stupid and he didn't call the next day to see if I was okay.

Like hell, a good friend would have at least made sure I didn't end up in some strangers bed, but I didn't even get a call the NEXT DAY. Someone else who I don't even chill with like that called and I guess it hit me when he called and I didn't hear from Mr. Nigeria.

I decided I was beating a dead horse and I let it go. I saw him at the fashion show on Saturday, and I treated him how I treated everyone else. He came over to hug me (I guess I trained my boys right. *sigh*) and I told him I was mad he didn't call (in my usual jokey way). He mumbled something, but I let it go. I was done. He was a great memory from last semester.

He called me today to see how I was. Why do men not understand that it doesn't count if I had to tell you to do it? And why did you call today when there was no reason to be concerned about me? The point of the call Friday was CONCERN because I was being a damn fool.

*sigh*

I hate losing friends.

He is a Blogger!

Who would'a thunk it? And I'm a total stalker. Google is the shit.

..well, he was a blogger. Hasnt blogged since like April last year.....unless he just switched blogs. My inner Sherlock is itching to get out. Apparently, he has been insane for a lot longer than I thought.

I think i'm going to ask him about the blog. I know, i'm horribly obvious, and yes, i'm awfully nosy and even more, I'm sure it was supposed to be private, but he should have thought of that before he put his real name on there. Hmmph.

I'll be back. Homework calleth. I think i got my blog-jo back!!!

Why is this blog always about boys?

He said I live too far away.

After I hot-footed it over to his place 2 days before, I live too far away.

Asshole.