Wednesday, June 29, 2011

So much Sacred in the Month of June...

I feel bad every time I come here to say "I have nothing to say" but I don't.

June was kind of awesome as far as birthday-months go. I probably had the best birthday I've ever had in my life, but to be fair, I can't remember a lot of them, so I'm going to call this one "top 5" just in case I forgot a few.

Spent the beginning of the day just chilling at home on the phone with absolutely everyone. Packed up and went to NY and chilled some more with my home-girl and gushed about how awesome life has been. Got dressed and had dinner with the most perfect group of people and then went dancing with an even more perfect bunch. Walked into the club and Novacane was playing (which, as far as I was concerned, was a hug from God) and proceeded to dance the night away.

My phone stopped working on the way home, but I really wasn't upset. Just went around the corner to the T-Mo store and got another one. Had brunch with Mr. Nigeria, then sat on a park bench with him and my girl and just people watched. Drove home around 4pm (I think) and that was it. No drama. No annoyance. Just happy, beautiful people.

I'm a little in awe about how perfect this year is turning out to be and I know nothing is guaranteed and it can all change in an instant so it's really important to me that I show how utterly grateful I am.

This is kinda how I feel (except I'm sitting in and experiencing and loving every single moment):

And I know you're so done hearing this but it feels UH-MAAAYZING to be able to listen to "In Repair" and think "err, I'm fixed. Can't relate anymore" :D

That is all. I'm off to experience more life.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Something new.

So I met someone.

And those of you who know me know that this is complicated for reasons entirely in my head (Magneto) but it is.

I'm giddy and excited but I'm trying to calm myself because I've been here before (and that situation is why this blog exists). I get excited because you're all gung-ho and planning a future when you don't have to and calling my granddad to say happy birthday and doing so much more than even I expect, then you disappear. And then I'm lost and confused for 4 months.

Dating blows.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I'm Older!!!!

And happier, and prettier, and contenter, and dancier and so so so pleased with life.

This entire week has felt like 9am on a tuesday morning (which, if you didn't know, is a really good time to be alive).

I feel like i should do a birthday "Taking Stock" so here goes:

Things are still not perfect (as defined in my head) but I'm doing okay. Having some conversations with God and with people whose opinions I respect to help me understand what I do and don't believe. But I can say for sure that I truly believe that love is truly the greatest of them all and it trumps absolutely every rule and every law.

I love them I love them I love them some more. That is all. The girls really do rock my world even if I don't say this to them all that often. I love being around them and I couldn't ask for much more.

The big word here is gratitude. It was a really tough year personally, and people came through for me in so many ways. From midnight trips to my house to sit on the couch and just watch TV, to listening to me cry on the phone for hours, to hearing me whine about the same dumb ish over and over and over and over without saying "you really need to just get over it" to checking in regularly so I don't sit by myself and be miserable, to notes that essentially said "I know this is tough and you are loved", to dragging me out dancing no matter how tired I claimed to be, my friends really did come through for me, and I will be eternally grateful. We are changing and the relationships are evolving and I don't necessarily feel as close to certain people as I did before, but that's okay. Life happens and I love them just as much (and possibly more) than I did before.

I've been terrible. I haven't saved a penny this year because I've been flying everywhere. A couple unexpected bills later and I'm somehow broker now than I was this time last year, even after a raise and a bonus. I'm praying my raise next month is huge (*laughs at self*) so I can somehow try to catch up, but eh, I've decided to take the L on 2011 and just enjoy the ride. I'll start over in 2012.

Work is good again. Well, calm again. I love the team I've been working with for the past 6 months and it seems they love me too. I say this every year but it might actually be time to move on. We'll see though. I'm applying for a NY transfer so I can have my year in the city, but I don't see it happening anytime soon considering the wait. I had lofty B-school plans this time last year but those got shelved while I was being crazy (see above). I've had some time to think about it and the plans might be permanently shelved. Still thinking about it though. I have another 2 months before I have to commit.
I toyed with the idea of moving to Nigeria for a while, but I don't think its going to happen yet. My biggest driver was escaping sadness and I did. I still plan to be there in December. Lets see if Lagos still has its pull.
I'm in a good place. I'm (sorta) dating again, and I'm actually really excited about meeting new people, compared to a few months ago when I had an internal meltdown (despite my outward elation) every time something happened. I'm still in love with love and my heart is still wiiiiiide open (which might not be a good thing), but baby steps. I'm finally done missing him, but I will admit I miss having a person. Working on ensuring I am ready for something new and not just trying to fill a void.

Physical Health and Fitness
So yeah. I started out well. Hired a personal trainer and was doing really good for like 3 months then laziness set in. Is it enough to promise to start running again next month? I'm dancing enough to constitute regular excercise though.

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
No addictions. Still an attention whore. LOVING LIFE right now. I made a decision around January to "enjoy the journey" and boy, has it been an excellent run since like March. I'm broke but really happy. Most weekends between now and September are booked and I'm taking french lessons.

26 was eventful to say the least. I'm happy about where I am and I am understanding that life is made up of little moments and I'm planning to live every single one of them. I thought I might be weird about getting older but I'm not. I'm content. All the small things are in perfect order, and take up my day to day existence, so I'm just not going to worry about the big ones and I'm going to dance.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

On (physical) Perfection.

I am that girl you want close to you on your wedding.

I spot every out of place hair and every stray thread. I notice that your arm looks misshapen at just that angle or that particular pose highlights a little bulge. I am also that girl you hate to critique you. I will find every extraneous piece of language, every misspelt word or incorrect grammar. And I will let you know in a bid to help you fix it (since I am incapable of shutting up and I wish people would do the same for me).

This doesn't mean I don't see beauty everywhere I go. I just can immediately highlight ways to make things more perfect at least to the naked eye.

Being this way can sometimes be hard. As great as I think I am (call this pompous if you want, but if you don't think you're awesome, you should work on that) I can see every thing about you and me that is not perfect in a very logical and removed way. The sad part of this is the idea that all these things about me need to be fixed before I can be loved (which is daft and ridiculous and was disproved for two and a half years personally).

I've recently been around and seen a lot of pictures of imperfect people being loved perfectly and after I spot everything that could have been fixed, I stop and see that there truly are no conditions to this love.

It's hard to feel beautiful when you see imperfection. And it's hard to believe people when they see beautiful when you see imperfection. But sometimes, you see people seeing beauty in others because love covers a multitude of sins and that makes me hopeful.