Monday, March 10, 2008

You Know, It's Funny...

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

I need new music on my iPod

I need new people around me.
I need new clothes in my closet.
I need new shoes on my rack.
I need a new church with a choir that can sing.
I need a new apartment.
I need a new apartment I can actually afford.
I need a new ibi ise.
Most importantly, right now, I need lunch.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Poised for Withdrawal

I think I need to take a step back and evaluate who I think am, who I want to be and who I really am.

Monday, March 03, 2008


My right hand index finger itches something fierce.

I'm there again. I need to move again. Go somewhere else that I know no one then get sad that I don't know anyone then meet people then get irritated with them or myself or both and feel the need to skip to another town.

On the other hand, I visited namesake for the first time and fell in love with her house. It has me itching to put down roots. Picking out carpeting and kitchen appliances and living room furniture and an island for the kitchen and top loader vs. front loader and king vs queen for the guest room and *sigh*.

More later. Work.