Can't Shake the feeling

I used to get really lonely, even in a crowd of people. I blamed it on not having anyone to call my own, figured it was that natural god-created yearning for a mate, and I figured it would pass when I had someone.

It didn't.

I feel really lonely again, and tonight sitting alone in my apartment watching TV, the feeling is pretty darned strong. Not strong enough to regret the decision to live alone, just strong.

I just spent the day watching CNBC and I'm in a panic once again that my spending is out of control. This *might* have something to do with a classmate of mine just buying a Car and a house and my not being even close to that right now. Yes, all fingers are not equal etc etc, but I should have saved enough by now that I have a down-payment together. I'm also more than a little ashamed of the fact that my savings today are at the exact same place they were this time last year.

I wish I could tell you where the money went. Okay, I did buy furniture. But that only accounts for about $2,000. Okay maybe $3,000. STILL, God help me. I will do better in 2010.

And omo, no tax refund last year mayne. So my naija ticket money this year had to come from savings. I am soooo going to a tax accountant next year. This rape and pillaging cannot continue. I'm about to become a republican. Kai!

I also need to diversify my savings. It used to be cute to put all my money in a Money Market account that many of the banks are offering when interest rates were 5%. Now, I'm earning about 1.3% on my money, while the stock market is happily rebounding without me! What nonsense! Was doing some reading on Roth IRAs and I just realized that there is no penalty for withdrawing contributions early! I need to up my percent investment, and also open an investment account.

I need more ideas about how to make my money work for me (especially since I think I'm going to go back to school in 2011).

Honestly

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Hi.

Still here.

Finally got those FE books. 2009 is not yet over. Yes we can!

Growing up is hard to do. Ah ahn! it is well o.

I'm learning that in Corporate America, if you don't toot your own horn, you might as well not have done the work.

I'm also realizing I am not here to make friends. People who deserve to be bitch-slapped will be bitch-slapped. Word to your mother.

I don't think I'm getting promoted this cycle. Which actually doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that I worked very hard at being all things to all people, and the specifically acted like I didn't. I spent 6 month whoring my expertise and time, and I got a "Tori occasionally reaches out to the team to help". Six. Straight. Months. Of doing everything for everyone. And I get an "occasionally"? My feelings are officially hurt.

Living and learning.

Otherwise, my life is brilliant.

On a much less melodramatic note

Gosh. I am totally useless without him here! I need a new lappie and I have no clue where to even start searching. *Sigh*

Didn't sleep well last night because I went to bed so early, but he called when he landed which made me smile. Did my running around today as planned, and I'm feeling a lot saner. I'm still considering cashing in on the sympathy and calling in sick tomorrow sha. Abeg, life is short and your boyfriend only moves to another country once.

2009 is coming to a close and I still havent started some stuff on my VERY short 2009 to-do list. Sad ehn?

He's gone.

I'm more than slightly heartbroken. I'm watching HGTV by myself and trying my hardest (and failing) not to cry.

I wish he was here. That about sums up exactly how I feel.

I need

Indomie in my life.

On Love.

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.