Thursday, April 21, 2011

On Goals

As much as I love reading long pieces, I never ever write them. I'm actually kind of ashamed of my inability to sit still and write out a well structured piece.

I think of articles/blogs I want to write all the time, and over the course of a week or two, draft them out in my head, fluffing them out piece by piece and rearranging paragraphs into better places. I come up with perfect lines and phrases, and profound conclusions, but the moment I open the blogger window, it all flees.

I thought, maybe if I start writing the pieces on my blackberry, I wont lose the entire thing. I tried that last night in front of the television as I watched 16 and pregnant. I have a blog on loneliness that starts out sad and ends on a note of hope and joy and the beauty of solitude, but I only got through one line.

I have another I dreamt up at the airport last week called "This summer I will" that was my list of resolutions (because why would I make them in January when the weather is awful and sometimes all we have is our vices to keep us warm?) and each day, as I slapped sunscreen on my face after my moisturizer (resolution number 1) having showered after no more than 2 snoozes on my alarm (number 2!) I thought of all the other awesome habits I planned to develop and made my mental list for the summer of awesomeness and swore I'd put them to paper as SOON as I got to work each day. I froze and, instead, tweeted inanities.

I really need to figure out how to do things that scare me. So the next thing I am putting on my list (and please don't try to hold me to it, the pressure only makes it worse) is that This summer, I will write a piece I am proud of, that isn't just me vomiting out my random thoughts. I will somehow stick this between beginning to learn French (number 3) , applying to the AfDB (number 4) and consuming copious amounts of frozen yogurt covered in mango, strawberry and kiwi pieces.

Oh yeah, and attending weddings. And laughing constantly (Seems like I'm doing a great job of those two already).

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm waiting

And I absolutely know better.

I'm not expecting anything, but I really, really want to see him. I've started having dumb dreams again about exactly what will happen when I see him. It's all very boring really. He comes in, we smile like idiots, hug, I cry, he comforts me for a minute. I tell him where his stuff is and he goes upstairs and gets it. In one version of the dream, she is in the car, waiting outside. In another, he just loads up his stuff and he leaves. I go back in, and watch TV.

The good news is that if the last year is any predictor of the future, he wont show up.

I should probably make plans to be somewhere other than at home once he leaves.