I just want to crawl into a hole and cry

Im panicking.

When I panic, I freeze. My brain doesnt do Plan B's. I cant function until someone grabs me and shakes me and makes me list out everything I need to do so I can get it all in perspective and systematically tick them off one at a time. I cant find my list book. Im panicking.

Im not good at failing. Ive never done it before. I cop out and run away before it happens. I cant run away anymore and now Im falling apart.

And everyone is telling me how it wasnt meant to be as if that should make me feel better. It wasnt meant to be doesnt make me want it any less.

Im so scared.

I have no idea what the future holds. Im so scared, that I dont think Im getting a car anymore. I dont know, I might need the money for something else, depending on where I end up.

I need to go see a doctor. I have no freaking insurance. I might as well blow my savings on my health.

My leg is covered in scars from me scratching like a lunatic at night. its so bad, I wake up with dried blood on it from where I scratched a bit too vigorously. All because my dumbass was feeling feminine and decided to shave my legs. I sooo know better, I dont know why I did it.
I gotta go invest in Hydrocortizone like last week and make a Dermatologist appointment ASAP.

*sigh*

I feel like Im heading back there again. Back to where I was this time last year. Panic, panic, drowning drowning and it only gets worse. Im drowning.

Its amazing how easy it is to put a game face on and act like its all gravy. Im scared.

I need to set my mind on going back to Nigeria. I need to want to go bad enough. What the hell, maybe if I go, I'll spend my car money on a new purse and pretend Im an irresponsible happy-go-lucky moron.

Or maybe I'll just sit here and panic.