Q2 2009

Is officially in effect and I missed most of my Q1 Goals. Ha.

1. Updated resume- check

Thats about it.

Positive Ideas please!

So as everyone who knows me is aware, work has been a little hellish for over a year now. I have found that the cheery morning person I used to be has disappeared and I walk in each day not just sad to be at work, but thinking and expecting the worst of people. Small slights which might not have been malicious are automatically assumed to be direct attacks which generally wreck my already bad day.

I need to figure out ways to inject positivity into my day, which will also help uplift my mood. Whatever it is I do, though, has to be independent of my coworkers, as theyre the cause of my headaches in the first place.

Last year, I made things bearable by going out in the middle of the day to buy cupcakes with a coworker. We would buy a box of 4 in different flavors and share each one while trading war stories. Unfortunately, she left to go volunteer somewhere/go to gradschool and I am left without a cupcake buddy. Also, I don't think my scale or my dentist appreciate the habit.

I'm trying to figure out something else I could do (especially since its summertime almost) that will bring my smile back .

This Can't be Life.

I feel off.

I feel like I am actually becoming that person I used to wish I was. I used to be really open and chatty and tell anyone who would sit still long enough to listen everything there was to know about me. Now I don't. Not because I'm suddenly secretive, but because I really have nothing to say. There is nothing to be said. Things are shitty. I am fine.

This started a couple months ago when I was feeling really down, but just wouldn't talk to anyone or say anything. People noticed and I guess were used to the regular me and kinda asked, got my " I really don't feel like talking" response and were confused by it. I felt awful and have since made the effort to talk, not because I have shit to say, but because I almost feel like its expected of me. Things got better and it got easier to "tell" even if I didn't feel like it.

Well now things are shit again and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything other than stay in my bed in my house and be alone. I know they all just want to help but I don't feel like explaining what is going on, don't feel like telling you why your helpful suggestions won't work. I don't feel like dealing with the guilt of you taking it personal when I say that even calling to say "I don't feel like talking. I'm going to bed. Goodnight" feels like a chore.

I just need to go back home and let things get better. I don't truly believe the will anymore though. I just say it now.

I guess in good news the ONE thing keeping me at my job seems to be moving forward. I should be excited, but I haven't told a soul about it. Not being secretive, I am just utterly uninterested.

I want to end the post by saying "it will get better" but I feel like a liar.

I'm tired.