This Can't be Life.

I feel off.

I feel like I am actually becoming that person I used to wish I was. I used to be really open and chatty and tell anyone who would sit still long enough to listen everything there was to know about me. Now I don't. Not because I'm suddenly secretive, but because I really have nothing to say. There is nothing to be said. Things are shitty. I am fine.

This started a couple months ago when I was feeling really down, but just wouldn't talk to anyone or say anything. People noticed and I guess were used to the regular me and kinda asked, got my " I really don't feel like talking" response and were confused by it. I felt awful and have since made the effort to talk, not because I have shit to say, but because I almost feel like its expected of me. Things got better and it got easier to "tell" even if I didn't feel like it.

Well now things are shit again and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything other than stay in my bed in my house and be alone. I know they all just want to help but I don't feel like explaining what is going on, don't feel like telling you why your helpful suggestions won't work. I don't feel like dealing with the guilt of you taking it personal when I say that even calling to say "I don't feel like talking. I'm going to bed. Goodnight" feels like a chore.

I just need to go back home and let things get better. I don't truly believe the will anymore though. I just say it now.

I guess in good news the ONE thing keeping me at my job seems to be moving forward. I should be excited, but I haven't told a soul about it. Not being secretive, I am just utterly uninterested.

I want to end the post by saying "it will get better" but I feel like a liar.

I'm tired.