I'm Drowning

And I can't find a life-saver.

How the eff am I supposed to not be scared?

When I think of you and how you'll be affected with every decison I take and you constantly tell me how I am my own person and I can do whatever I want?

When you randomly tell me you want to move to damn near Siberia (okay, I know, absolute exaggeration, but still!)

Awesome song came on. I'm going to go and curl up in my burning room when i get done slow-dancing.

Wow.

I am shocked at how much that hurt. And it wasn't what you said. It was what you didn't say. Apparently, no matter what you think, you're never not alone.

Wow. I need a day to process it, then I'll be fine.

I hope.

I need a new blog

So I'm getting one.

I'll be around.

Yup

She was wrong. Not the best evaah, but not sucky. :D

I'm not obsessing...

...yet.

Lets see how long it takes before I break.

Apparently, I'm on a high horse. Someone left me a comment and I haven't the foggiest idea what he/she meant. *sigh* Too bad. If you see this, please elucidate. :)

Yup

I was right.
What I thought was a perfectly mature conversation broke it.
GoFugYourself.

I guess you had to be there...

John Mayer tickets in July!!! Woooohooo!!

Life is good. Relatively boring but good. For some reason, I'm not even trying but I'm populating dossiers on faar too many people. Lol. Humans are interesting.

It has been INCREDIBLY difficult to get any work done these past few days. Which is awful since I need to bill a minimum of 8 hoours a day and I have no deliverables to show for it.

I started coming into work this week between 7 and 730. Its amazing how prodctive I can be in that itty bitty time period before 9:30. The rest of the day is worthless.

Okay. Sorry. I was sooo gonna give you gist, but someone came on google and she is waay more interesting. :D

You Know, It's Funny...

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

I need new music on my iPod

I need new people around me.
I need new clothes in my closet.
I need new shoes on my rack.
I need a new church with a choir that can sing.
I need a new apartment.
I need a new apartment I can actually afford.
I need a new ibi ise.
Most importantly, right now, I need lunch.

Poised for Withdrawal

I think I need to take a step back and evaluate who I think am, who I want to be and who I really am.

Random

My right hand index finger itches something fierce.

I'm there again. I need to move again. Go somewhere else that I know no one then get sad that I don't know anyone then meet people then get irritated with them or myself or both and feel the need to skip to another town.

On the other hand, I visited namesake for the first time and fell in love with her house. It has me itching to put down roots. Picking out carpeting and kitchen appliances and living room furniture and an island for the kitchen and top loader vs. front loader and king vs queen for the guest room and *sigh*.

More later. Work.

I'm having a moment

And I have no PMS to blame it on.

The day didnt start sucking when I looked out the window and saw about 6 inches of snow. It still wasn't sucking when I braked at a red light and my car kept going. The day started sucking when my numbers wouldn't add up, so I turned to the internet to make it better/waste time. Then I got ignored. I HATE being ignored.

Except its the internet. And it doesn't matter.

Or does it?

I feel a little insane right now. And the public journal got me a little emotional. And Lauryn Hill in my right ear isn't helping much either.

I need to step away from the internet and stick my feet firmly back into my reality.

Angst Free

And I hate it. I want to obsess. :(

Heart Burn!

Adrenaline rushing through my body!!!

Lol. I wish. No butterflies. Or evn gnats. Life is boring. Work is evil. Im strangely happy.

God is Awesome. I just have to occasionally remind myself this sometimes.

And all the Evil Beyotches say "Aye"

So friend 1 got engaged over the break. I met friend 1 throught "friend" 2.

"Friend" 2 had a thing for friend 1 and because friend 1 and I hit it off, "friend" 2 decided I must be boinking him on the side and stopped speaking to us both.

Well, now friend 1 is engaged and Ive spent the last 8 months playing dumb like I don't know there is tension and I don't realize "friend" 2 doesn't exactly love me.

I desperately want to break the news to her that he is engaged, not to vindicate myself of any wrongdoing, but to see if it pains her.

Hi, my name is Tori and I'm going to hell.

Whooosaah

I need to breathe. I also need to move to naija and get away from BS. I need to have a life and be home at 7pm at night and still be appreciated. Not yelled at for billing too many hours, yet told that I need to consider staying later because shit didnt get done. Fuckers.