Monday, March 10, 2008

You Know, It's Funny...

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's called getting off your high horse, sweetie.

Time is a funny constant you know, it trivializes deadlocks of the past till it becomes nostalgic talking points for the future.

Take care El...