"I wish you forever."

Is that a strange phrase?

Wordless...

I've had nothing to say for the past couple of weeks. I'm in a really good place, I just have nothing to say.

Saw him. It hurt.

Went to Barbados. Had a good time.

Back on my path and making progress. Often pleasantly surprised at how infrequently he pops into my head.

Work is utterly, blessedly relaxed.

The weather is fabulous.

Looking forward to aimlessly wandering around New York all summer.

Wondering about switching apartments. The very thought of packing up and moving is extremely daunting though.

7 Things...

Taynement is going to kill me if I don't and I live alone and I'm concerned people wont find my body for weeks, so I figure its a good idea to stay alive and give you my things

1. I love mornings. It might take me an hour to get out of bed, but I'm just happy to be alive and excited to see everyone. I don't need coffee or tea or anything to be perky I just am. Sometimes, its all I can do not to skip through the hallways at work. And I hate it when I'm awake and everyone is sleeping. There is so much glorious day to just LEAP right in to! ....then it all comes crashing down around 4pm then I don't want to be bothered.
2. I feel like I have tears behind my eyes, waiting for every opportunity to come crashing down. Every stupid thing makes me cry. I cry during every episode of Teen Mom. I cried (well, single tear) when Finn announced the formation of "Furt". I cried when my friend told me she can now listen to "Lucky" (she used to hate the song). I bawled at work when I watched this cute video. But just as soon as I'm done crying, I'm back to perky.
3. I'm really excited to be part of my friends weddings. Nothing says "I-love-you-and-trust-you-and-think-our-friendship-can-withstand-the-threat-of-zillaism" like the request for you to be a bridesmaid. Now, clearly I'm delusional and I'm doing my rainbows and butterflies thing again, but I just feel like the bridesmaids have the most fun at weddings. They get to wear cute dresses and know most of the guests and dance like no ones watching (and Jide Alakija/Collins Metu/Atunbi catch them looking beautiful and happy). Win-win no? No?
4. I do think I'm smarter than your average (what? I never claimed to be humble) but I cannot read people AT ALL. I have no idea if you're warming up to me or dislike me or seem intrigued etc. Because of this, I am utterly ridiculously socially awkward. I overcompensate for everything. I've never recognized that a guy was into me without directly being told (or realized the object of my affections did not feel the same way without embarrassing myself first). It often takes me a while to realize I've offended someone (and by "a while" I mean "someone pulled me aside and tells me"). I'm just glad people who become my friends find it cute and amusing (I hope. And if I'm wrong, don't correct me.).
5. I am ambivalent about absolutely everything. It actually scares me a little. I can pretend that I care, just to seem normal but in reality, I don't. I don't have a favorite TV show or book or author, I don't do anything religiously. I claim to love plantain above all else, but though I do like plantain a lot, I'd live if there wasn't any. I just find peoples reaction to the fact I eat it raw funny. I don't read/watch the news or care a great deal about politics, or music (though work is impossible without music). I'm just enough of an information junkie that I can have an intelligent (and seemingly well informed) conversation about anything. If it makes people think I know what I'm talking about, oops.
6. I have no talents. I cannot sing to save anyones life (trust me, I've tried. I'm currently shopping for a voice coach self, so I don't deafen myself since I insist on doing it so much). I'm not artistically creative at all (I wanted to be an architect till I realized I can't draw, so I resolved to marry one. I'm failing at that too). I can't make up a rhyme or write poetry. Even on the dance floor, I just absorb what everyone else is doing and am secretly jealous. Well, I take that back. I think I make a fantastic critic. I can tell you how to make ANYTHING better (and you will agree with my edits). I just can't dream stuff up myself.
7. I want to move to Nigeria this year. Not for any strong reason (see point 5). Just because. No idea what I want to do there, or what life will be like.

There. How's that for getting to know my deepest, darkests?

Is happiness simply a matter of telling yourself to "be happy"? Is it internal and a choice, and not (solely) a result of external stimulus?

There is a thin line between really unhappy and being depressed, and it's incredibly hard to determine what side of the line you're on after a while.

Honestly

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Blankets...

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

So I opened my super secret other blog to go vent, and I found out that it had been hijacked by spam bots! Hmph! Nonsense and ingredients.

I'm quite annoyed and refuse to open a third.

Moving in 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. A lot of space, first time living alone, and the apartment costs an arm and about 12 legs, so I'm freaking out a little about money (and for some stupid reason checking my bank balance every day, like that is going to decrease my rent. Hmph.).

My old roomie is being a pain and wants to switch the electricity bill to my name for the one month I'm here without her which is irritating considering that I'm moving out halfway through the month and so I'll be opening another account with them overlapping the time (and as far as I know, they wont let you have 2 at the same time....not entirely sure about that one sha). *hiss*. I am not clear what difference it would make if we left it as is and I deposited money into her account as we've always done. *Sigh* One more reason to live alone and not have to deal.

I need to go furniture shopping. At last, my own place, so I fully intend to completely furnish it within the first month. Well, at least couches, if not wall art. I'm excited.

And what is it with all these people popping babies? And quitting their jobs in a recession?

I forgot how awesome "The Breakup" was. And sorta think mine will be just like that. Which is a depressing thought. But I do depressing.

And now "you oughta know" is stuck in my head.

I kinda miss this..

there was a time I was on here multiple times a day.

*sigh*

I am content. Kind of.

Work is still what it is but I'm glad Im not worried about being fired, and my H-1 is valid for another couple years, so things are okay there.

I really hate it when women waddle. I have a new coworker who started last week who can't be a day over 26. She has these beautiful wide hips and a very curvy figure, but she waddles.

Like a duck.

Its so.... unsexy. Everytime I see her walk, I push back my shoulders and straighten my back and make sure I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making sure my motion is centered around my spine, and not side-to-side. eh. I guess her waddling adds a little sexy to my step.

Booboo and I recognize that we're probably doomed but aren't doing anything about it. We'll see. Maybe I'm being the eternal pessimist as always.

Work should be insane but I don't give a damn anymore, which has had the most unusual effect of improving my efficiency.

Tax season has me depressed.

I simply can't get enough of http://music.gidilounge.com . At home, at work, sitting in my cube winding my waist and ko mole-ing.

The Ex is being friendly. I don't know how I feel about that.

I need a complete wardrobe overhaul, but I'm not getting that tax refund check I was hoping for.

Eh.

You Know, It's Funny...

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

Random

My right hand index finger itches something fierce.

I'm there again. I need to move again. Go somewhere else that I know no one then get sad that I don't know anyone then meet people then get irritated with them or myself or both and feel the need to skip to another town.

On the other hand, I visited namesake for the first time and fell in love with her house. It has me itching to put down roots. Picking out carpeting and kitchen appliances and living room furniture and an island for the kitchen and top loader vs. front loader and king vs queen for the guest room and *sigh*.

More later. Work.

Heart Burn!

Adrenaline rushing through my body!!!

Lol. I wish. No butterflies. Or evn gnats. Life is boring. Work is evil. Im strangely happy.

God is Awesome. I just have to occasionally remind myself this sometimes.

Random

I am no fashionista. I used to have my very own personal style. Then I tried to keep up with the rest of the world. And failed miserably. Everytime I let other people have input on what I wear and how I ought to wear it and mix it up with MY idea of what looks good, I cringe in retrospect. I need to go back to finding and wearing and packing what makes me feel good.

I don't understand people. I probably never will. I try very very hard to make sense of behavior and comments but it never works.

I care deeply about what people think / how people feel. In general, this concern is not returned ( at least from the people I expect it to be from).

I have this amazing ability to delude myself into believing that certain people are closer to me than they are / shared more with me than they did and I bless God for the technology that creates a footprint because I am able to go bakc in time and see what our relationship really is and slap myself back into reality.

I like to think I'm a lot less shallow than I come off.

Resolution 2008

Flirt with hot guys.

Breaking the Habit

I have realized that when I think someone is mad at me / about to be mad at me for something I think is not my fault/doesnt exist, I pre-emptively vex for them so I don't give a damn if they're mad or not.

Very 7-year-old behavior.

An Apple A Day

Keeps the doctor away, but how do I stay away from the dentist?

I have an abcessed tooth. great huh?

What sucks is that I have spent like $2,000 on this same tooth over the past couple years. Okay, okay, fine, if I had got that crown after my root canal 2 years abo, maybe we wont be having this discussion, but hell, its my blog, I can whine all I want.

So I'm about to have 27 teeth ( I had one wisdom pulled already and the others have refused to show face. I figure they fear the same fate). I'm considering getting an implant, but that one na another gbese. We'll see what my mouth looks like after this tooth is gone tomorrow. If I feel uncute, I guess I shall have to spend the moneyon the implant.

And of course my dumb ass agreed to take 2 15 year olds around DC tomorrow, knowing I'm having dental work done. And I would say I'd beat their asses if they are bad, but they are bigger than me. This life isnt fair.

In other news, I decided that this borederline skinny steez isn't working for me and I want my abs of steel back. So I'm going to start working out .... again. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

As usual, I took a nap this evening, so I'm not going to be able to sleep. Boo naps.

Partaaaay Saturday. Nothing whatsoever to wear. I haven't bought anything sexy in a while, grad school spoiled me. Spent a year going out partying in the clothes I rolled out of bed and wore to class, and I didn't even look strange. Hell, the first party I went to when I got back here, I got the worst leg cramps the next day from not having worn heels in so long. Work should be fun. I can go back to playing dress-up. School made me lazy.

This one I'm planning to da-bubble on saturday, I better start praying that my face doesn't look anything like it did when I got the other tooth pulled. LOL. It was my senior year in college and I had midterms so I couldn't hide out. I just rocked a hoodie and went to class. When people were brave enough to pick their jaws up and ask what happened, I told them "My boyfriend is trying to make me a better person"

Reactions? Priceless.