Three years too late, I found the song:

Great song. Great album actually. 

I worry, I weigh three times my body

So maybe there is some truth to calling me an over-achiever.  Maybe.

Hi, long time, gosh, you've changed, did you lose weight? etc etc

I know, missing the year in review. You will deal.

So I moved south to take what I should consider the utter dream job and I really should be sitting on my couch just SMUG because I'm the shit up in this bitch.

Nope. Definitely not the case. Sitting here frozen and filled with very Nigerian "may mates are all _____" syndrome. Wondering if I shouldn't be so much more than I am today. I really need someone to draw me a bell curve and point me to exactly where I truly lie in relation to "my mates" so I can get some sleep. I'm beginning to suspect that this constant feeling of not being enough, not doing enough, not achieving enough will never go away.

There will always be someone else who preceded me that people reference with a wistful sigh and high praise. I need to become comfortable with that. With the knowledge that there is a legion of people more insightful, impactful, efficient, intelligent than I. And that it is okay that I am not part of that number.

Why is being average so scary?

I'm going to take my tired ass to bed and worry about this all tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after until I'm so busy at sexy new job that I have no room to think stupid thoughts.

I think my challenge for the next 30 days is to attempt to live this for a month. Lets see if it makes me feel better:

“We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life." -- Steve Jobs

Vices

So it only took me 3 years, but I finally figured out what my huge vice is. I am very unforgiving. My memory is long, and even when I forget what you did, I hang on tight to how you made me feel. 

More Things I've Learned Along the Way

I haven't been able to write for a really long time.

I'm trying to take active control of my career recently (maybe 5 years too late) and I've found myself seated before a lot of very wise people and I've learned a few things:

• You can't be true to yourself if you don't know who you are. You can't take the reins if you don't know where you're going.
• I'm getting pretty good at failing. One person called it maturity. I don't know that I'm any more mature, but I guess that is something you don't see from the inside. 
• Loving what you do is not enough. You also have to find that thing that you bring to the table that people value you for. The sweet spot is finding the intersection between the two. Then go a step outside that to make sure you're always stretching yourself, always learning. 
• You MUST keep learning. Stagnation is death.
• Being comfortable is dangerous.
• Every risk should be calculated. I'm not saying don't take big risks, just understand the repercussions of every action and their impact on you. Make informed decisions based on that. 

I'm sure I have many other lessons that I should write down because I think of this entire missive as something I will look back and read later and remind myself how far I've come (or encourage someone else) so I'll try to come back and write them down as I go along.

Its amazing how much  i love having people around yet can be so alone in a group of people.

Taking Stock 2011

I probably should have done this right before the end of the year, but better late than never, right?

Faith
I'm more confused than I've ever been but I do know a few things for sure: I believe in a God who loves and cares about me and is willing to interfere with the "normal" flow of things on my behalf. I also, contradictorily (is that a word?), believe in a God that allows horrible things happen for no good reason. I no longer believe I am special and everything will work out for good. I believe in the power of prayer as a source of comfort, if not much else.

Family
Like I said last time I did this, "I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them." I just got back from an amazing trip to Lagos with them and had a riot. My parents are so special to me, and I love seeing the small ways my dad shows emotion, missing us when we leave, getting jealous when we shower my mom with more attention than him, and other cute ways of letting us know that we are special to him. My mom shows love in an interesting way (usually with her voice raised) but its cute. Worrying about whether or not we eat, if we have chocomilo to take back to america or if there is enough snail in the house for us all and reporting our constant wakabouting to every friend who stops by makes me laugh and smile and roll my eyes all at the same time. It was a good year, and full of renewed relationships with cousins and I look forward to even more for 2012.

Friendship
I am so so so so grateful this year for my friends. The end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 was possibly the hardest period I have ever experienced, and I give all gratitude to my friends for helping pull me through. A friend of mine always gets irritated by women who say "I'm only friends with guys because all women are ______" and though I have historically had more male close buddies than women, 2011 was the year of the phenomenal women. I HAVE to agree with my friend. My girls worried about me, called me to check in, slept on my couch on random days, invited me over to do random mundane shit, hooked me up with random guy friends as distractions, listened to me cry, listened to me whine, listened to me wallow, and never, ever complained and never told me to "suck it up". I'm sure they were sick of me, but they hid it so well, and I will be eternally grateful. By June, the year was 3000 times better, and I may not be as close to some of the people who stood by me then right now, but I will never forget the (extended) moment in time when I needed people to prop me up and they opened their hearts completely.

I also learned that friendships are sometimes for a season. Because I was there for you/you were there for me at a specific important time does not mean we have to be joined at the hip for eternity. Like love, friendship wanes and waxes and that is okay. It doesn't mean we love each other any less. I've realized my circle of friends is actually quite small and people move in and out of that group over the years, but I love my people hard. And nothing gives me more joy than spending time with an old friend, and realizing we get along exactly the same way we used to and that time and distance have meant nothing.

My hope for 2012 is to be the friend that I needed in 2011.

Finances
So I'm not totally satisfied with my progress here, but progress has been made. My excellent credit is 21 points more excellent, I entered 2012 completely debt free, I started saving for my Naija trip last April, and didn't have to dip into my emergency fund/mid-term savings account to finance the trip and there is still enough in there for two smaller 2012 trips. I still haven't reached my 6 months expenses goal in my emergency fund, but I hope that one is complete by August 2012 if I am VERY disciplined.

Education/Career
*sigh*

The end.

Okay, kidding. I think I've given up on the business school idea, (though Stanford still beckons at me) and I've started making moves to get me to where I need to be. Fingers crossed for a major difference by the end of Q1 2012.

Relationships
So, yeah, this year was...interesting. If I learned anything, I learned that I have no idea what I want. I also learned that most other people are on this same boat. I'm currently content, and grateful for how things turned out, and hopefully will have more to report at the end of 2012. Otherwise, things are relatively quiet in a good way.

Physical Health and Fitness
I'm fine. I need to do better tho. *glares at gut*

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I'm not addicted to anything. I talk too much, but have learned slowly to share less. My social life was awesome in 2011. Spent a lot of time with people that make me happy, and I plan to do more of the same in the coming year.

Miscellaneous
My theme for 2011 was to "enjoy the journey". I absolutely, unquestionably did. I stopped and smelled the roses every chance I got. I'm generally a happy person, and being depressed at the beginning of the year for the first (and hopefully, only) time in my life has made me so so appreciative of this feeling that I want to hold on to it and appreciate it and discuss it and relish it as much as I possibly can. I'm still unclear what my theme for 2012 will be, but I'm still hanging on to the gratitude and enjoying the journey from previous years.

Here's to an even more rewarding 2012.

I do a lot of blog posts that I choose not to publish because they're related to people that read my blog/would be a little too raw. Sometimes, I go back and read them and for the life of me I can't remember who or what they are about. Hopefully, the readers can't either *pushes "publish" button*

The end of the year is here and as I fell asleep Saturday night, my theme for next year came to me. I was too tired to get up and write it down so I repeated it to myself over and over until I fell asleep hoping I'd remember in the morning.

#fail.

Hopefully, all that repetition engraved it in/on my psyche somewhere. It was awesome too :(

My name is Tori

and i am doing the fucking most.

Being all Cryptic As Usual

But I feel really bad about something. Sometimes you misinterpret people's behavior based on limited information and then you find out it has nothing to do with what you thought and its actually all quite noble and then youre a little ashamed.

The good news is that this person has no idea about my initial reaction, so I get to just feel bad and fix up look sharp.

It's kind of amazing how I have so much to say but can't get any of it out.

I had a great weekend in NY. I'm exhausted. I'm praying about a new opportunity.

*Sigh*

I thought I was further along with the 4 stages of grief than I seem to be. I think I'm at Anger now.

Someone Like You

I had a dream last night that I saw him (I was staying at his aunt's house and he came to visit) and I unleashed every last piece of my hurt and bitterness and my you-picked-the-bitch-who-didnt-want-to-give-you-your-share-of-the-security-deposit-even-when-you'd-lost-your-job-and-didnt-have-an-income-over-me? on him and he didn't get it. And when I woke up, I felt better for all of one second because I let it out, but then I remembered it was a dream.

For a Friend

I'm Tired

of explaining myself

of not knowing what the eff I'm doing on this project

of waiting for feedback

of not sitting still and constantly being on the go

of not having shit to do

of reading

of not being understood

of people perceptions

of (failing at) managing those perceptions

of not knowing how all this is going to work out

of not naturally playing by the rules

of not knowing what the effing rules are

of this stupid mood.

What is this sadness, this alien emotion?

It feels uncomfortable, out of place.

It started hovering sometime yesterday and today is balanced precariously in the middle of my chest.

Hopefully, it's gone tomorrow morning when I wake up. I'm not used to this anymore.

I think all that John Mayering over the past few days was a bad idea.

So much Sacred in the Month of June...

I feel bad every time I come here to say "I have nothing to say" but I don't.

June was kind of awesome as far as birthday-months go. I probably had the best birthday I've ever had in my life, but to be fair, I can't remember a lot of them, so I'm going to call this one "top 5" just in case I forgot a few.

Spent the beginning of the day just chilling at home on the phone with absolutely everyone. Packed up and went to NY and chilled some more with my home-girl and gushed about how awesome life has been. Got dressed and had dinner with the most perfect group of people and then went dancing with an even more perfect bunch. Walked into the club and Novacane was playing (which, as far as I was concerned, was a hug from God) and proceeded to dance the night away.

My phone stopped working on the way home, but I really wasn't upset. Just went around the corner to the T-Mo store and got another one. Had brunch with Mr. Nigeria, then sat on a park bench with him and my girl and just people watched. Drove home around 4pm (I think) and that was it. No drama. No annoyance. Just happy, beautiful people.

I'm a little in awe about how perfect this year is turning out to be and I know nothing is guaranteed and it can all change in an instant so it's really important to me that I show how utterly grateful I am.

This is kinda how I feel (except I'm sitting in and experiencing and loving every single moment):

And I know you're so done hearing this but it feels UH-MAAAYZING to be able to listen to "In Repair" and think "err, I'm fixed. Can't relate anymore" :D

That is all. I'm off to experience more life.

Something new.

So I met someone.

And those of you who know me know that this is complicated for reasons entirely in my head (Magneto) but it is.

I'm giddy and excited but I'm trying to calm myself because I've been here before (and that situation is why this blog exists). I get excited because you're all gung-ho and planning a future when you don't have to and calling my granddad to say happy birthday and doing so much more than even I expect, then you disappear. And then I'm lost and confused for 4 months.

Dating blows.

I'm Older!!!!

And happier, and prettier, and contenter, and dancier and so so so pleased with life.

This entire week has felt like 9am on a tuesday morning (which, if you didn't know, is a really good time to be alive).

I feel like i should do a birthday "Taking Stock" so here goes:

Faith
Things are still not perfect (as defined in my head) but I'm doing okay. Having some conversations with God and with people whose opinions I respect to help me understand what I do and don't believe. But I can say for sure that I truly believe that love is truly the greatest of them all and it trumps absolutely every rule and every law.

Family
I love them I love them I love them some more. That is all. The girls really do rock my world even if I don't say this to them all that often. I love being around them and I couldn't ask for much more.

Friendship
The big word here is gratitude. It was a really tough year personally, and people came through for me in so many ways. From midnight trips to my house to sit on the couch and just watch TV, to listening to me cry on the phone for hours, to hearing me whine about the same dumb ish over and over and over and over without saying "you really need to just get over it" to checking in regularly so I don't sit by myself and be miserable, to notes that essentially said "I know this is tough and you are loved", to dragging me out dancing no matter how tired I claimed to be, my friends really did come through for me, and I will be eternally grateful. We are changing and the relationships are evolving and I don't necessarily feel as close to certain people as I did before, but that's okay. Life happens and I love them just as much (and possibly more) than I did before.

Finances
I've been terrible. I haven't saved a penny this year because I've been flying everywhere. A couple unexpected bills later and I'm somehow broker now than I was this time last year, even after a raise and a bonus. I'm praying my raise next month is huge (*laughs at self*) so I can somehow try to catch up, but eh, I've decided to take the L on 2011 and just enjoy the ride. I'll start over in 2012.

Education/Career
Work is good again. Well, calm again. I love the team I've been working with for the past 6 months and it seems they love me too. I say this every year but it might actually be time to move on. We'll see though. I'm applying for a NY transfer so I can have my year in the city, but I don't see it happening anytime soon considering the wait. I had lofty B-school plans this time last year but those got shelved while I was being crazy (see above). I've had some time to think about it and the plans might be permanently shelved. Still thinking about it though. I have another 2 months before I have to commit.
I toyed with the idea of moving to Nigeria for a while, but I don't think its going to happen yet. My biggest driver was escaping sadness and I did. I still plan to be there in December. Lets see if Lagos still has its pull.

Relationships
I'm in a good place. I'm (sorta) dating again, and I'm actually really excited about meeting new people, compared to a few months ago when I had an internal meltdown (despite my outward elation) every time something happened. I'm still in love with love and my heart is still wiiiiiide open (which might not be a good thing), but baby steps. I'm finally done missing him, but I will admit I miss having a person. Working on ensuring I am ready for something new and not just trying to fill a void.

Physical Health and Fitness
So yeah. I started out well. Hired a personal trainer and was doing really good for like 3 months then laziness set in. Is it enough to promise to start running again next month? I'm dancing enough to constitute regular excercise though.

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
No addictions. Still an attention whore. LOVING LIFE right now. I made a decision around January to "enjoy the journey" and boy, has it been an excellent run since like March. I'm broke but really happy. Most weekends between now and September are booked and I'm taking french lessons.

26 was eventful to say the least. I'm happy about where I am and I am understanding that life is made up of little moments and I'm planning to live every single one of them. I thought I might be weird about getting older but I'm not. I'm content. All the small things are in perfect order, and take up my day to day existence, so I'm just not going to worry about the big ones and I'm going to dance.

On (physical) Perfection.

I am that girl you want close to you on your wedding.

I spot every out of place hair and every stray thread. I notice that your arm looks misshapen at just that angle or that particular pose highlights a little bulge. I am also that girl you hate to critique you. I will find every extraneous piece of language, every misspelt word or incorrect grammar. And I will let you know in a bid to help you fix it (since I am incapable of shutting up and I wish people would do the same for me).

This doesn't mean I don't see beauty everywhere I go. I just can immediately highlight ways to make things more perfect at least to the naked eye.

Being this way can sometimes be hard. As great as I think I am (call this pompous if you want, but if you don't think you're awesome, you should work on that) I can see every thing about you and me that is not perfect in a very logical and removed way. The sad part of this is the idea that all these things about me need to be fixed before I can be loved (which is daft and ridiculous and was disproved for two and a half years personally).

I've recently been around and seen a lot of pictures of imperfect people being loved perfectly and after I spot everything that could have been fixed, I stop and see that there truly are no conditions to this love.

It's hard to feel beautiful when you see imperfection. And it's hard to believe people when they see beautiful when you see imperfection. But sometimes, you see people seeing beauty in others because love covers a multitude of sins and that makes me hopeful.