Taking Stock 2009

Me too I can do. You hear, mgbeks and tanyement?

Faith
I think started this year at an all-time low. Or maybe that happened somewhere in the middle of the year. I guess it hit me how low I'd slipped when someone asked me where I stood on religion and I told him I was somewhere between theist agnosticism and Christianity with Christian leanings. WTF does that mean? I realize I DO believe. I disagree/do not understand a bunch of things, but thats okay. So In the last couple months, I've been trying to fix things. Working at getting my butt back into bible study and church, and praying more. Planning to be at my usual place at 12:01am (abi is it PM? Confuses me all the time), January 1, 2010 - Church.

Family
I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them. God has been awesome this past year and blessed us in ways that promise me that we will spend at LEAST as much time together in this coming year as we did last year. We're all healthy, and happy, and safe and blessed (and GROWING!!!!!). I hosted thanksgiving for the first time, and it was so much fun that I'm considering starting a tradition!

Friendship
It was a quiet year. I guess I realize that I know a lot of people, but I truly am friends with a few. Being the person that I am, I had a couple moments when I looked at groups of friends who do everything together and felt a little sad, but thats (my) life. My schedule is to blame for a lot of this (along with time zones and 6 odd thousand miles of distance). My friends have been good to me. We may not speak every day (or even every week) but when we do, I truly feel the love.

Finances
Ugh. Thats all. Okay just kidding. I'm a little ashamed to say that my savings are even lower than where they were at the start of the year (even with a pay raise), but the truth is, I have a few good reasons. I upped what I was paying on my car-note (car-note free by June 2010 IJN, 2 years early), moved to a new apartment that I LOVE (even though it has more than doubled my rent), bought furniture and went to Nigeria. I racked up a little CC debt on the way but my plan is to enter 2010 debt free and with a clean slate. And save save save save save!!

Education/Career
Career-wise, the year was disappointing. I am not where I expected to be, and its a little depressing when your mates leave you behind, but I know God has got me and this might be my final push to what I need to do education-wise. I had planned to take the FE exam this year, and the book is still sitting on my dining table unopened, but I'm trying to change some things around here, so watch this space.

Relationships
I continue to be grateful for the wonderful support that was given to me. This year was truly defining. I went from seeing someone every weekend, to seeing him everyday to not being sure when next I'll see him (current expected date: August 2010). Its been tough, but my prayer continues to be "God, if this isn't my own, abeg, take it away from me, so I can find mine". So far, he hasn't gone anywhere :)

Physical Health and Fitness
Yeah, ummmm..... yeah. Right. About that. So I gained a couple pounds this year (I hear those who know me sing alleluia), which I have no problem with, but my arms have lost their definition. :( I didn't use my gym membership ONCE, but I'm healthy sha (*knocks on wood*).

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I continue to say I have none (re: addictions). I still talk too much sha. That ain't changed. Social life? Non existent. Between work and life drama, I did nothing this year. Went to India. Thats it. None of the usual travelling around the country just for the heck of it. I travelled so little that I didn't realize airlines charged you for checked bags until November!

Miscellaneous
2009 was eh at best, and disappeared far too quickly. I learned that things don't always work out the way you planned (which is a new one for me) but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For 2010, I plan to be grateful.

Can't Shake the feeling

I used to get really lonely, even in a crowd of people. I blamed it on not having anyone to call my own, figured it was that natural god-created yearning for a mate, and I figured it would pass when I had someone.

It didn't.

I feel really lonely again, and tonight sitting alone in my apartment watching TV, the feeling is pretty darned strong. Not strong enough to regret the decision to live alone, just strong.

I just spent the day watching CNBC and I'm in a panic once again that my spending is out of control. This *might* have something to do with a classmate of mine just buying a Car and a house and my not being even close to that right now. Yes, all fingers are not equal etc etc, but I should have saved enough by now that I have a down-payment together. I'm also more than a little ashamed of the fact that my savings today are at the exact same place they were this time last year.

I wish I could tell you where the money went. Okay, I did buy furniture. But that only accounts for about $2,000. Okay maybe $3,000. STILL, God help me. I will do better in 2010.

And omo, no tax refund last year mayne. So my naija ticket money this year had to come from savings. I am soooo going to a tax accountant next year. This rape and pillaging cannot continue. I'm about to become a republican. Kai!

I also need to diversify my savings. It used to be cute to put all my money in a Money Market account that many of the banks are offering when interest rates were 5%. Now, I'm earning about 1.3% on my money, while the stock market is happily rebounding without me! What nonsense! Was doing some reading on Roth IRAs and I just realized that there is no penalty for withdrawing contributions early! I need to up my percent investment, and also open an investment account.

I need more ideas about how to make my money work for me (especially since I think I'm going to go back to school in 2011).

Honestly

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Hi.

Still here.

Finally got those FE books. 2009 is not yet over. Yes we can!

Growing up is hard to do. Ah ahn! it is well o.

I'm learning that in Corporate America, if you don't toot your own horn, you might as well not have done the work.

I'm also realizing I am not here to make friends. People who deserve to be bitch-slapped will be bitch-slapped. Word to your mother.

I don't think I'm getting promoted this cycle. Which actually doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that I worked very hard at being all things to all people, and the specifically acted like I didn't. I spent 6 month whoring my expertise and time, and I got a "Tori occasionally reaches out to the team to help". Six. Straight. Months. Of doing everything for everyone. And I get an "occasionally"? My feelings are officially hurt.

Living and learning.

Otherwise, my life is brilliant.

On a much less melodramatic note

Gosh. I am totally useless without him here! I need a new lappie and I have no clue where to even start searching. *Sigh*

Didn't sleep well last night because I went to bed so early, but he called when he landed which made me smile. Did my running around today as planned, and I'm feeling a lot saner. I'm still considering cashing in on the sympathy and calling in sick tomorrow sha. Abeg, life is short and your boyfriend only moves to another country once.

2009 is coming to a close and I still havent started some stuff on my VERY short 2009 to-do list. Sad ehn?

He's gone.

I'm more than slightly heartbroken. I'm watching HGTV by myself and trying my hardest (and failing) not to cry.

I wish he was here. That about sums up exactly how I feel.

I need

Indomie in my life.

On Love.

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.

So I moved into my own place last weekend...

So far, I LOVE IT. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT. I love arriving home at night, I love waking up in the morning and knowing there's no one there but me and its all mine, I love walking naked from my bedroom to my kitchen (I don't have a trashcan in my bedroom jo), and I am beyond excited about furniture shopping.

Im still freaking out just a tad about expenses and making mental notes to remove all the incandescent bulbs and replace them with flourescent ones but I think I'll be fine. I need to clean the place properly, my cable and internet gets set up on saturday and I'll be HOME! Woohooo.

So I need to buy a set of couches, a TV (and TV stand) and maybe a small dining table. Side tables, a coffee table and a small carpet (rug) for the living room would be nice, but I know I don't have to do those this second. If work wasn't so awful right now, I'd be half through this list, but as it is, I havent even had time to clean the old place and hand over the keys to the landlord.

Im really excited, but sorta worried at the same time about being lonely. I know, although Ive always had a room-mate, my most recent roommate was never ever home and the ones before that, we really didn't talk so its not like Im missing someone to hang with. I guess I just liked knowing there was someone there.

We'll see. Another new chapter.

In unrelated news, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MSN PASSWORD IS!!! Aaaarrrgh!

As Usual

I'm worrying about money. According to CNN money, I should be saving 10.9% of my income for retirement. So I guess this 3% in my 401-k really wont fly. Of course this comes after I signed my lease on my $1400 apartment.

Not like it would have changed my mind much sha, let me not lie. I'm going to furnish the heck out of that place and actually LIVE there. And I'm going to love every second of it.

Just read this article on the NY times site and I don't know how I feel about it. The argument is that she fought to keep her marriage without fighting. And she says she didn't beg him to stay. Not letting him leave is the same as asking him to stay. Fantasia said "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself." Go.

Which maybe points back to me not being ready to be married and swallow my own pride and fight for something bigger.

Everyday some new facet of marriage shows itself to me and scares me. No warm fuzzies here. Yesterday it was the couple who went to Mexico for their first anniversary who got hit by some wave while swimming. He died. How does she survive? Today it's men trying to leave you and using the children as an excuse. "The kids would want me to be happy". I have never heard anything as stupid in my life.

*sigh*

Adulthood isn't easy.

On the other hand, a question posed by a friend today made me realize that I don't have any person-specific reservations about boo anymore. At least none that I can think of this moment.

I guess we'll see where this goes.

Blankets...

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

So I opened my super secret other blog to go vent, and I found out that it had been hijacked by spam bots! Hmph! Nonsense and ingredients.

I'm quite annoyed and refuse to open a third.

Moving in 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. A lot of space, first time living alone, and the apartment costs an arm and about 12 legs, so I'm freaking out a little about money (and for some stupid reason checking my bank balance every day, like that is going to decrease my rent. Hmph.).

My old roomie is being a pain and wants to switch the electricity bill to my name for the one month I'm here without her which is irritating considering that I'm moving out halfway through the month and so I'll be opening another account with them overlapping the time (and as far as I know, they wont let you have 2 at the same time....not entirely sure about that one sha). *hiss*. I am not clear what difference it would make if we left it as is and I deposited money into her account as we've always done. *Sigh* One more reason to live alone and not have to deal.

I need to go furniture shopping. At last, my own place, so I fully intend to completely furnish it within the first month. Well, at least couches, if not wall art. I'm excited.

And what is it with all these people popping babies? And quitting their jobs in a recession?

I forgot how awesome "The Breakup" was. And sorta think mine will be just like that. Which is a depressing thought. But I do depressing.

And now "you oughta know" is stuck in my head.

Am I just easy?

I have got on a shitload of planes to go visit guys. Guy's I'm friends with, guys I'm "talking to", guys I'm dating, guys I'm in crush with. All of it.

And I've only ever had one dude pay half (and that sure didn't turn out well, but that's a looooong story for another day. Yes, sirree, I paid for all the other tickets myself. Heck , the question didn't even come up about whether or not they'd be paying all or part of my my way. I went out,had fun came back and thought nothing of it....

....Until today when a friend of mine started a facebook discussion on whether or not it meant "He's not that into you" if he didn't offer to pay for at least half your ticket.

Dang.

So according to the first 57 responses, he should offer. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Not all 57 said that. Maybe only 56). And I'm here doing a silent tally in my head wondering "chei, I've wasted how many thousand dollars 'catching trips' " when I shoulda been doing that junk for free!

So my expectation has always been to pay my own way, then maybe pay for one meal before I leave as a "thanks for the hospitality" but sorta assume he'll pay my expenses while I'm there (abeg jo, tickets are expensive, and I AM a guest. But I carry vex money sha. I have definitely encountered the occasional cheapskate).

Is that odd?

The Haters that be...

Have abused me about comment moderation, so I have removed it.

:D

He's out of my life.

Michael is gone sha.

*shakes head*

Craziness. Who ever thought he was less than immortal?

One of my earliest childhood memories is wanting, no, needing to listen to Thriller because I LOVED that song, but being to scared to watch the video. I would go and hide under the couch in the living room so I could hear the song without seeing the images (you'd think I would know that turning my face away from the screen would have the same effect, huh?).

Craziness. That mans effect on people will never be duplicated:



No one can do this. Who came close? I was talking to a friend last night and we couldn't come up with number 2.

I do believe he was a pedophile, and very disturbed, but that doesn't take one thing away from his musical genius. And we have him to thank for Celebrity-causes. We are the World came before Band AID. He was the precursor to every Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates and Angelina Jolie and George Clooney. He popularized celebrities using their fame to bring attention and much needed support to humanitarian causes. Many many sick children loved the oppotunity to spend a portion of their last days on his Ranch ( I just hope he didn't give those ones "Jesus Juice").

I was and will forever be a huge fan. And apparently, so will the rest of the world. As at 5 minutes ago, 7 of the top 10 albums on iTunes were Michael Jackson album (all of the top 5). My prayers go out to his family, especially his young children. I hope there was at least one trusted person who will look out for them. One of his lawyers said last night that if we thought Anna Nicole Smith was surrounded by opportunistic, self-serving, sycophantic leeches, I'm paraphrasing) , Michael's was worse. I pray god protect those children, and provide for them.

Gone too soon.

Im listening to semi-depressing music and feeling sorry for myself. I keep trying to find ways to improve my outlook, and maybe the attitude change will make it all better, but it doesnt. A new monkey wrench is always thrown in. E go better. I at least have a job. 

First things first tho, I can hate my new consultant all I want, but I need to make sure he doesnt know that. 

Q2 2009

Is officially in effect and I missed most of my Q1 Goals. Ha.

1. Updated resume- check

Thats about it.

Positive Ideas please!

So as everyone who knows me is aware, work has been a little hellish for over a year now. I have found that the cheery morning person I used to be has disappeared and I walk in each day not just sad to be at work, but thinking and expecting the worst of people. Small slights which might not have been malicious are automatically assumed to be direct attacks which generally wreck my already bad day.

I need to figure out ways to inject positivity into my day, which will also help uplift my mood. Whatever it is I do, though, has to be independent of my coworkers, as theyre the cause of my headaches in the first place.

Last year, I made things bearable by going out in the middle of the day to buy cupcakes with a coworker. We would buy a box of 4 in different flavors and share each one while trading war stories. Unfortunately, she left to go volunteer somewhere/go to gradschool and I am left without a cupcake buddy. Also, I don't think my scale or my dentist appreciate the habit.

I'm trying to figure out something else I could do (especially since its summertime almost) that will bring my smile back .

This Can't be Life.

I feel off.

I feel like I am actually becoming that person I used to wish I was. I used to be really open and chatty and tell anyone who would sit still long enough to listen everything there was to know about me. Now I don't. Not because I'm suddenly secretive, but because I really have nothing to say. There is nothing to be said. Things are shitty. I am fine.

This started a couple months ago when I was feeling really down, but just wouldn't talk to anyone or say anything. People noticed and I guess were used to the regular me and kinda asked, got my " I really don't feel like talking" response and were confused by it. I felt awful and have since made the effort to talk, not because I have shit to say, but because I almost feel like its expected of me. Things got better and it got easier to "tell" even if I didn't feel like it.

Well now things are shit again and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything other than stay in my bed in my house and be alone. I know they all just want to help but I don't feel like explaining what is going on, don't feel like telling you why your helpful suggestions won't work. I don't feel like dealing with the guilt of you taking it personal when I say that even calling to say "I don't feel like talking. I'm going to bed. Goodnight" feels like a chore.

I just need to go back home and let things get better. I don't truly believe the will anymore though. I just say it now.

I guess in good news the ONE thing keeping me at my job seems to be moving forward. I should be excited, but I haven't told a soul about it. Not being secretive, I am just utterly uninterested.

I want to end the post by saying "it will get better" but I feel like a liar.

I'm tired.

Could I stay if you cheated?

When your life is going too fast, off the train tracks... 

I kinda miss this..

there was a time I was on here multiple times a day.

*sigh*

I am content. Kind of.

Work is still what it is but I'm glad Im not worried about being fired, and my H-1 is valid for another couple years, so things are okay there.

I really hate it when women waddle. I have a new coworker who started last week who can't be a day over 26. She has these beautiful wide hips and a very curvy figure, but she waddles.

Like a duck.

Its so.... unsexy. Everytime I see her walk, I push back my shoulders and straighten my back and make sure I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making sure my motion is centered around my spine, and not side-to-side. eh. I guess her waddling adds a little sexy to my step.

Booboo and I recognize that we're probably doomed but aren't doing anything about it. We'll see. Maybe I'm being the eternal pessimist as always.

Work should be insane but I don't give a damn anymore, which has had the most unusual effect of improving my efficiency.

Tax season has me depressed.

I simply can't get enough of http://music.gidilounge.com . At home, at work, sitting in my cube winding my waist and ko mole-ing.

The Ex is being friendly. I don't know how I feel about that.

I need a complete wardrobe overhaul, but I'm not getting that tax refund check I was hoping for.

Eh.

Q1 2009

1. Prepare for the FE exam
2. Update my resume
3. See a dentist
4. Invest in Nigeria
5. Take the GMAT?