Why do I feel so sad?

I told you I was coming.

You were so excited. At first I was like "huh?" I haven't talked to you in years, why are you so amped? Then I thought about it and I was flattered. I figured, it must really suck up there. We'll be cool. And I guess God is taking care of me and dealing with my meeting people worried ahead of time. But then I get here I have to call you to find out anything thats ever happening. I'm not even an after-thought. I'm a returned phonecall, when I just called to see if you wanted to do anything. Im a " I totally forgot to tell you" "I meant to call you" "I didn't think you'd be interested".

Yeah. I guess I'm not interested anymore.

And if you see this, I don't want to talk about it.

And the rest of you. Its like that huh? I fight and struggle to include everyone in everything and NOT ONE OF YOU thought of me. Not one.

Why am I surprised?

Starting over. I need to stop being so freaking unsuspecting and open.

Serenity Now!

I'm here. I'm sane.

Life is funny and people are funnier. Femi Kuti is a sweetheart in jackass clothing (just the way I like 'em) but I'm letting that one go.

This weekend, I'm studying for the finance makeup test (and searing never to call Business Majors dummies ever again), so that is solved (I hope).

I had lunch with Femi on thursday like we always do, and I told him about the awful group I'm in for that other class, and he made me feel so much better. I told him I missed my dad and he immediately pulled out his wallet and agaveme a phone card. He also made it clear that we were good friends and he truly enjoyed my company , but that was as far as emotion went (don't worry, I didnt hint anything, and I don't think he suspects anything either, I got that out of him using some wuru wuru to the answer) and I decided I agree with him. I think if we dated, the little things he does that irk me would drive me absolutely insane so I.m leaving that alone. Please understand this is MY blog and so that does not constitute a promise I won't talk about this anymore (you should be so lucky).

The group? I talked to my dad and Femi and my uncle about it. its still up in the air, but I feel much better. I suspect I was very hormonal, and that was why i was so upset. We'll see.

I ended up going Salsa dancing with Femi and his crush. "Am I mad?" you ask? not at all. She asked , I said no. He asked, I said no. So they came and GOT me at 11:30pm in my house while I was in my pyjama's with a sarf on my head, looking like Risikatu. *Smh*

I'm glad I went though. It was a lot of fun and she seems like a genuinely nice person, and she is a great dancer. I need lessons!!!!

I sought strength from Him and He gave. Thanks, you guys, for caring.

Your Love, O Lord

Reaches to the Heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the skies


Marvin Gaye said it best...don't worry about me, God is my friend. School woes as always. Butting heads majorly with a group member, to the extent he tried to kick me out of the group. I lost my temper. I'm grateful I didn't curse at him or anything insane, but I sure was tempted. Grateful for the wisdom of God to walk away. I called my professor and emailed him to inquire about changing groups for real, because the class really isnt worth the stress.

Now he emails me and says the last thing he wants to do is make me unconfortable in the group. You just tried ot kick me out!!! How do I feel comfortable?

*sigh*

I'm sad. And when I get here, I finally do what I should have done from the beginning: give it ALL to God. The Finance bad grade, the Femi Kuti Situation, the cruel team member, everything.

I need grace.

Oh Well,

He likes this other girl.

Too bad.

His best friend still thinks I should tell him.

I think I should cut my losses.

There's still tomorrrow.

edit:

I always do dumb shit when I'm this upset. I think I might tell him at lunch on thrusday that he was my first crush here and see how he reacts. But watch me regret it. *sigh*

Screwed.

I'm doing laundry and I pull out the pink pashmina I wore to Dino's Saturday night. I put it to my nose, expecting it to smell of sweat and dancing and letting loose and exertion and ehaustion, but it smells great.

It smells like him.

Fuck.

I don't wanna bore you with my troubles....

...but there's something about the way you move and that enourmous smile and that cockyness that makes me weak and knocks me off my feet.


Stevie is a genius. End of story.

So I guess Im back in crush. Except now, he is turning into an asshole. What is it about me and being able to pick assholes out of a crowd even blindfolded? He pissed me off satruday night....made a stupid comment that hurt my feelings...but that didnt stop me from dancing with him half the night... in the words of one buddy..actually let me hold that thought.....I have an aunt crawling around the blogosphere, so a sista gotta be careful *wink*

I didn't do anything bad. Brownies honor.

In other news? I'm a facebook whore. I'm totally reinventing myself and I'n not sure its a good or bad thing. Its a completely skin deep reinvention, trying to finally TRULY break free from my lifelong "one of the boys" status. It's going slow, and its a bit expensive, but I'm relatively certain my mother would approve.

I'm trying not to let myself think about it too deeply, because I know I'll hate myself for giving in and letting other people and society determine what I should look like and how I should act, but what can I do? Yeah, I'm sure you all have a comprehensive list of what I should do but I'd rather not hear it until after my experiment has failed. Goodbye enormous backpacks, ponytails and shiny forehead. Goodbye fun, bubbly happy Tori.

Okay, maybe not that. I can't stop having a great time and just being totally silly. But I'll try to be a little more ladylike about it and start dancing like someone truly is watching [because someone usually is].

It Continues....

Just got back from NYC for fall break....I actually had a great time. I usually hate the city, but I really had fun. Spent way too much though. I wish I wasnt such an idiot and didnt keep footing the food bill etc for me and my friends....I guess I was just grateful they agreed to traipse around the city on my account when they had work to do.

Today is Femi Kuti's birthday. He sorta invited me out for drinks...I sorta declined. I'm tempted to go, but at the same time, I feel like I should get work done. I didn't do any bubbling this weekend, so I should go for an hour or so and come home and work. We'll see after I publish the blog and i finish my cup of tea.

The weather was fabulous. I had a jacket on, but DEFINITELY didnt need it. it was 81 degrees out today. Who woulda thunk it?

I dropped the evil class, so if I come on here whining about school, please e-slap me. The semester should be a breeze after this week. Well, not a breeze, but I shouldn't have any more reason to come on here in a tizzy.

I had something I wanted to blog about, but of course as soon as I hit the create button, it slips out of my head. Too bad.

Oh yeah, for the record, girls get on my nerves. I'm for the umpteenth time planning to reinvent my relationships with women in my life. Healthier for me.

I had a really nice heart to heart with my buddy in NY. She is so sweet, and it was great to rid myself of [most] pretence and just....be.

Ugh. Now Ive gone and lost my iPod USB cord. ANOTHER uncecessary expense.

*sigh*