Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jaded

And I don't know why.

I haven't had any awful experiences. Well, I take that back. Awful is relative. But either way, my life has been good. I have no stories you'd gasp at. You'd scratch your head in confusion and wonder what was going through the idiots head, but you wouldn't gasp and hug me. Anyhoo, I'm digressing.

My life is brilliant. So why am I so jaded about relationships? I don't want one. I'm positive I don't want one. I am waaay too busy to have to not be selfish right now. I am petrified of falling in "like" with someone and having to deal with him taking up every waking thought. I can't handle it. I have Wireless Sensor Networking to worry about.

Relationships are such garbage. You meet someone and create an artificial connection until you are able to trick yourself into actually caring. Then you fight over daft things. Like seriously, why do couples fight? "you don't spend enough time with me". Your life was JUST FINE last year before you met him. You didn't give a shit freshman year when you saw her talking so whatever dude, why cant she talk to him now? Its all such bullshit. Honestly, I think everyone should just bang whoever they wanna and be NORMAL. But then the ugly members of society who aren't getting laid will get all hoity toity about it.

I don't want the late night phone calls, the "study sessions" where everyone is absolutely unproductive, the sleep overs where no one gets any sleep and everyone is cranky in the morning. I don't even want to have sex with anyone. What I want hasn't changed in years. I don't want to have to sleep alone. Was listening to All the Love in the World by The Corrs today, and the chorus starts with "don't want to wake up alone anymore" and I scoffed, because waking up (sorry, John-o, you're wrong for the first time ever) is the easy bit. Falling asleep by yourself sucks.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't feel the need to do the random "checking in" the next day. its not necessary. You're taking up precious me-time. No I don't want to know how your day went. All I want is for you to show up at my door right when you want to go to sleep, and get in my bed.

Dammit, I swear John Mayer is a genius. And I hate him for making me this way. Its been practically three years.

*sigh*

I sound angry. I swear I'm not. I have too many thoughts and I can't type as fast as my brain goes and half my post gets lost in the wind. I feel ....resigned. I don't know why I'm so "life is all shit". I'm probably premenstrual.

1 comment:

Soul said...

Tori...
you don't sound angry.to me.
You sound a little like someone who wants to 'want' a little.
you know you don't have to be all consumed by one person if you'fall in like' with them.
You can just be comfortable.

Anyway, i think couples fight because you open up soo much of yourself, that you automatically place an unrealistic burned onyour partner of ...'knowing what you would like, what you think, when you are angry, when you are irritated, of loooking out for you'..e.t.c.

Tori, it sounds lik you don't want any emotional commitment right now but you want some kinda night time, no strings attached companionship.

I really dunno if that happens anymore in 'adulthood'.
If you find that, ask him if he has a brother and send him my way :)