Jaded

And I don't know why.

I haven't had any awful experiences. Well, I take that back. Awful is relative. But either way, my life has been good. I have no stories you'd gasp at. You'd scratch your head in confusion and wonder what was going through the idiots head, but you wouldn't gasp and hug me. Anyhoo, I'm digressing.

My life is brilliant. So why am I so jaded about relationships? I don't want one. I'm positive I don't want one. I am waaay too busy to have to not be selfish right now. I am petrified of falling in "like" with someone and having to deal with him taking up every waking thought. I can't handle it. I have Wireless Sensor Networking to worry about.

Relationships are such garbage. You meet someone and create an artificial connection until you are able to trick yourself into actually caring. Then you fight over daft things. Like seriously, why do couples fight? "you don't spend enough time with me". Your life was JUST FINE last year before you met him. You didn't give a shit freshman year when you saw her talking so whatever dude, why cant she talk to him now? Its all such bullshit. Honestly, I think everyone should just bang whoever they wanna and be NORMAL. But then the ugly members of society who aren't getting laid will get all hoity toity about it.

I don't want the late night phone calls, the "study sessions" where everyone is absolutely unproductive, the sleep overs where no one gets any sleep and everyone is cranky in the morning. I don't even want to have sex with anyone. What I want hasn't changed in years. I don't want to have to sleep alone. Was listening to All the Love in the World by The Corrs today, and the chorus starts with "don't want to wake up alone anymore" and I scoffed, because waking up (sorry, John-o, you're wrong for the first time ever) is the easy bit. Falling asleep by yourself sucks.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't feel the need to do the random "checking in" the next day. its not necessary. You're taking up precious me-time. No I don't want to know how your day went. All I want is for you to show up at my door right when you want to go to sleep, and get in my bed.

Dammit, I swear John Mayer is a genius. And I hate him for making me this way. Its been practically three years.

*sigh*

I sound angry. I swear I'm not. I have too many thoughts and I can't type as fast as my brain goes and half my post gets lost in the wind. I feel ....resigned. I don't know why I'm so "life is all shit". I'm probably premenstrual.

I'm Sleepy

and I wanna go home, but I just missed the bus. The next one doesnt come for an hour :(

On Competing

Everything is good. Went to that interview and I guess it went well. I should hear something by thursday. Did most of the other work I had to do, but I truly lost interest and turned in less than half-baked work. S'all good tho. I'll be fine.

Was in the city for the weekend. Fun times. Hung out with a former friend for the first time in a few years and all the negatives came right back out. I had to constantly remind myself "it's not a competition. "it's not a competition" which is evidence of how little I have grown since then. It's all good sha. I had a blast, lost my voice and slept like the dead in the car ride back to school.

In other news, I am seriously considering my body pillow. Jason has a magnificent one. I'm going to need to ask him where he got it.

Speaking of Jason, I realized last night that I am way more hurt about losing friends than I am about losing, well, you know. I honestly miss Mr. Nigeria. We were cooool. I miss him a LOT more than I miss Femi Kuti. Femi was a great lunch/dinner buddy and he was great for the occasional whinge fest (lol) but I loved how Mr. Nigeria and I talked about all kinds of stuff. I loved how he'd call me when he was scared or worried about something important, or how he'd find my ear to say dumb shit about random hot girls. I called him thursday to be like "damn, I thought we were cool" but I got a "let me call you later, no daytime minutes". Later isn't here yet.

*sigh*

This week should be sufficiently hellish that I don't have time to eat or cook or think again. *tips 40 to memory of newfound bootyliciousness*

On My House, on my Job , On my loot, shoes, my shirt

...my fathers last name?

Lol. Robin Thicke (the OLD, untimberlake like Thicke) on the brain.

I have a job interview to fly out to tomorrow. But what if I really REALLY dont want the job? It is rude to cancel and just not go? Especially when my dream job was stripped away from me by the fates (hell, maybe I should be grateful, they started having money issues... maybe its better that started before I started work, than when i have a mortgage and 3 kids). Ugh.

Jobhunting bites monkeys ass.

Currently Listening to Brand New Jones. First time I heard the song, I thought his girlfriend/partner was his "brand new jones" but then I listened properly and I realized his time away from her was his brand new jones. How do you NOT love an artist that admits that you don't ever truly want to be around someone 24/7 losing your mind completely because the ass wont get out of your hair?

I unhid the posts. I decided screw it. Femi, if you see the posts someday, I hope you feel flattered. Life continues.

I have a meeting in half an hour and I have no intention of doing the work I needed to do to prepare for it. I hope my group members are nerd enough to just let me stand there and look pretty. I just don't want to do any work.

Speaking of pretty, I'm there again. Waking up and wearing make-up just because. Going to class in the snow with a spring in my step. Hell, my step is so springy, my professor asked me if I hurt myself ( he thought I was limping). I'm not hopeful this time, I'm just....I have no idea how to describe it. I'm not at peace, I'm not content, neither am I scared. Im just....okay. I'm okay with everything.
Well, almost everything. But that's my fault and life continues so I'll leave that one alone.

I decided to stop cussing. Not because I have any moral objection to it ( well, I used to, but I'm at a morality low right now) but because I hate the way my voice sounds to cuss words. I really don't like my voice in general. I hate the sound of it recorded. I hate the sound of it in microphones. And mostly, I hate the sound of cuss words in my voice.

Insane? Maybe.

I Changed my Mind

God created clothes for a reason. I hate the nudity. I am a self-described idiot. So I'm reading the entire blog (yes, again) and hiding posts that could potentially bite me in the ass.

This was not supposed to happen.

ugh.

I did it!!!

I almost forgot. Well, I didn't totally do it but remember how I said I was going to get the gorgeous weave I had never had the balls for? I did it! I wish I could post a picture, but that wouldn't do for anonymity would it (although my dumb ass just gave one of the recent subjects of this blog a link *slaps self*)?

Life is good. I started reading old blogs and I'm not as horribly boring on this blog as I thought. Y'all should have given a little more feedback jo *hiss*

Valentines day was a blast. It snowed like no mans business and class was cancelled which was fantastic because I hadn't done homework i had due and I hadn't the foggiest idea what to do. NSBE called and promised to send me flowers (which, as expected, never arrived) but I still love him to death. Went out in the snow with my IAD buddies to an Indian buffet and after great food and even better conversation, we made snow angels (actually, we made the snow angels on the way to the restaurant, but the sentence was sexier this way. Its called artistic license. Sue me).

Okay, on the phone with an oooold friend so I'll finish later!

Okay, off the phone. That was fun. Catching up is always great. I just got done reading through the blog. I'm an idiot. In the good kind of way. :D I also feel totally naked since, as I type this, i know someone is reading the things I wanted to keep totally private and away.

But nudity can be good. Like I said at the beginning, I hate how polite society says I can't be transparent. I'm a transparent person. I love you or I hate you and its written on my face. I'm not a private person. My life is an open book, but polite society says I need to be closed in order to survive. Maybe that's the allure of blogging. I can talk and talk about myself and no one has to know (until I go around giving people links *rollseyes*).

And I feel the need to repeat what I said the last time on xanga. I'm Freying. Nothing (well some thing are, but why tell you and spoil my ability to say " I made it up") is completely true. my blog allows me to add a little imagination to everything and make it sound the way I want it to. I get to ascribe separate events with different people to one event with whoever and however I choose.

And with the disclaimer done, I'm off to bed.

You Can't Afford Me!

I am worth $2,517,350 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

He is a Blogger!

Who would'a thunk it? And I'm a total stalker. Google is the shit.

..well, he was a blogger. Hasnt blogged since like April last year.....unless he just switched blogs. My inner Sherlock is itching to get out. Apparently, he has been insane for a lot longer than I thought.

I think i'm going to ask him about the blog. I know, i'm horribly obvious, and yes, i'm awfully nosy and even more, I'm sure it was supposed to be private, but he should have thought of that before he put his real name on there. Hmmph.

I'll be back. Homework calleth. I think i got my blog-jo back!!!

Why is this blog always about boys?

He said I live too far away.

After I hot-footed it over to his place 2 days before, I live too far away.

Asshole.

Soul

I love and miss you. Call me some night when you can't sleep.

Shit.

I miss him.

WTF.

I'ts almost 3 years later. I met this guy who sounds exactly like him and now I can't sleep. And I'm booty-IMing people.

Shit.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm happy and I'm grateful for friends family and food. I'm grateful for grace and I'm grateful that Christ was born to die that I may live.


What are you grateful for?

On Top Of My Game...

..at least until the next panic attack :grin:

Im kidding. I dont do panic attacks. I'm just a horrible pessimist when it comes to my own skills and success.

Its okay though. Because God got me. I'm not quite sure why, but He does. All I can do is be grateful.

Friends are still a funny thing but I guess thats what growing up is about. Im eating sugar like its going out of style.

Does it ever happen to you that you meet a nice guy who is feeling you and he's smart and funny and sweet, but he can't get a rein over his mouth? Giving DAFT compliments like "your hair looks a lot better now than it did this morning" or other such bullshit and he cant understand why (after you have corrected and yelled and painstaking explained why that is such an asshole thing to say) you refuse to hang out with him other than randomly bumping into him at the library?
No?

Oh, Okay.

Femi is alive and kicking. Crush is semi there, but on its way out. His best friend (I still don't understand why) is still trying to throw me at him. I ought to be doing work. It snowed today.

No. That was not a typo. And yes you read right. IT SNOWED AT THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER.

*smh*

Why do I feel so sad?

I told you I was coming.

You were so excited. At first I was like "huh?" I haven't talked to you in years, why are you so amped? Then I thought about it and I was flattered. I figured, it must really suck up there. We'll be cool. And I guess God is taking care of me and dealing with my meeting people worried ahead of time. But then I get here I have to call you to find out anything thats ever happening. I'm not even an after-thought. I'm a returned phonecall, when I just called to see if you wanted to do anything. Im a " I totally forgot to tell you" "I meant to call you" "I didn't think you'd be interested".

Yeah. I guess I'm not interested anymore.

And if you see this, I don't want to talk about it.

And the rest of you. Its like that huh? I fight and struggle to include everyone in everything and NOT ONE OF YOU thought of me. Not one.

Why am I surprised?

Starting over. I need to stop being so freaking unsuspecting and open.

Serenity Now!

I'm here. I'm sane.

Life is funny and people are funnier. Femi Kuti is a sweetheart in jackass clothing (just the way I like 'em) but I'm letting that one go.

This weekend, I'm studying for the finance makeup test (and searing never to call Business Majors dummies ever again), so that is solved (I hope).

I had lunch with Femi on thursday like we always do, and I told him about the awful group I'm in for that other class, and he made me feel so much better. I told him I missed my dad and he immediately pulled out his wallet and agaveme a phone card. He also made it clear that we were good friends and he truly enjoyed my company , but that was as far as emotion went (don't worry, I didnt hint anything, and I don't think he suspects anything either, I got that out of him using some wuru wuru to the answer) and I decided I agree with him. I think if we dated, the little things he does that irk me would drive me absolutely insane so I.m leaving that alone. Please understand this is MY blog and so that does not constitute a promise I won't talk about this anymore (you should be so lucky).

The group? I talked to my dad and Femi and my uncle about it. its still up in the air, but I feel much better. I suspect I was very hormonal, and that was why i was so upset. We'll see.

I ended up going Salsa dancing with Femi and his crush. "Am I mad?" you ask? not at all. She asked , I said no. He asked, I said no. So they came and GOT me at 11:30pm in my house while I was in my pyjama's with a sarf on my head, looking like Risikatu. *Smh*

I'm glad I went though. It was a lot of fun and she seems like a genuinely nice person, and she is a great dancer. I need lessons!!!!

I sought strength from Him and He gave. Thanks, you guys, for caring.

Your Love, O Lord

Reaches to the Heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the skies


Marvin Gaye said it best...don't worry about me, God is my friend. School woes as always. Butting heads majorly with a group member, to the extent he tried to kick me out of the group. I lost my temper. I'm grateful I didn't curse at him or anything insane, but I sure was tempted. Grateful for the wisdom of God to walk away. I called my professor and emailed him to inquire about changing groups for real, because the class really isnt worth the stress.

Now he emails me and says the last thing he wants to do is make me unconfortable in the group. You just tried ot kick me out!!! How do I feel comfortable?

*sigh*

I'm sad. And when I get here, I finally do what I should have done from the beginning: give it ALL to God. The Finance bad grade, the Femi Kuti Situation, the cruel team member, everything.

I need grace.

Oh Well,

He likes this other girl.

Too bad.

His best friend still thinks I should tell him.

I think I should cut my losses.

There's still tomorrrow.

edit:

I always do dumb shit when I'm this upset. I think I might tell him at lunch on thrusday that he was my first crush here and see how he reacts. But watch me regret it. *sigh*

Screwed.

I'm doing laundry and I pull out the pink pashmina I wore to Dino's Saturday night. I put it to my nose, expecting it to smell of sweat and dancing and letting loose and exertion and ehaustion, but it smells great.

It smells like him.

Fuck.

I don't wanna bore you with my troubles....

...but there's something about the way you move and that enourmous smile and that cockyness that makes me weak and knocks me off my feet.


Stevie is a genius. End of story.

So I guess Im back in crush. Except now, he is turning into an asshole. What is it about me and being able to pick assholes out of a crowd even blindfolded? He pissed me off satruday night....made a stupid comment that hurt my feelings...but that didnt stop me from dancing with him half the night... in the words of one buddy..actually let me hold that thought.....I have an aunt crawling around the blogosphere, so a sista gotta be careful *wink*

I didn't do anything bad. Brownies honor.

In other news? I'm a facebook whore. I'm totally reinventing myself and I'n not sure its a good or bad thing. Its a completely skin deep reinvention, trying to finally TRULY break free from my lifelong "one of the boys" status. It's going slow, and its a bit expensive, but I'm relatively certain my mother would approve.

I'm trying not to let myself think about it too deeply, because I know I'll hate myself for giving in and letting other people and society determine what I should look like and how I should act, but what can I do? Yeah, I'm sure you all have a comprehensive list of what I should do but I'd rather not hear it until after my experiment has failed. Goodbye enormous backpacks, ponytails and shiny forehead. Goodbye fun, bubbly happy Tori.

Okay, maybe not that. I can't stop having a great time and just being totally silly. But I'll try to be a little more ladylike about it and start dancing like someone truly is watching [because someone usually is].

It Continues....

Just got back from NYC for fall break....I actually had a great time. I usually hate the city, but I really had fun. Spent way too much though. I wish I wasnt such an idiot and didnt keep footing the food bill etc for me and my friends....I guess I was just grateful they agreed to traipse around the city on my account when they had work to do.

Today is Femi Kuti's birthday. He sorta invited me out for drinks...I sorta declined. I'm tempted to go, but at the same time, I feel like I should get work done. I didn't do any bubbling this weekend, so I should go for an hour or so and come home and work. We'll see after I publish the blog and i finish my cup of tea.

The weather was fabulous. I had a jacket on, but DEFINITELY didnt need it. it was 81 degrees out today. Who woulda thunk it?

I dropped the evil class, so if I come on here whining about school, please e-slap me. The semester should be a breeze after this week. Well, not a breeze, but I shouldn't have any more reason to come on here in a tizzy.

I had something I wanted to blog about, but of course as soon as I hit the create button, it slips out of my head. Too bad.

Oh yeah, for the record, girls get on my nerves. I'm for the umpteenth time planning to reinvent my relationships with women in my life. Healthier for me.

I had a really nice heart to heart with my buddy in NY. She is so sweet, and it was great to rid myself of [most] pretence and just....be.

Ugh. Now Ive gone and lost my iPod USB cord. ANOTHER uncecessary expense.

*sigh*