Is happiness simply a matter of telling yourself to "be happy"? Is it internal and a choice, and not (solely) a result of external stimulus?

There is a thin line between really unhappy and being depressed, and it's incredibly hard to determine what side of the line you're on after a while.

Taking Stock 2009

Me too I can do. You hear, mgbeks and tanyement?

Faith
I think started this year at an all-time low. Or maybe that happened somewhere in the middle of the year. I guess it hit me how low I'd slipped when someone asked me where I stood on religion and I told him I was somewhere between theist agnosticism and Christianity with Christian leanings. WTF does that mean? I realize I DO believe. I disagree/do not understand a bunch of things, but thats okay. So In the last couple months, I've been trying to fix things. Working at getting my butt back into bible study and church, and praying more. Planning to be at my usual place at 12:01am (abi is it PM? Confuses me all the time), January 1, 2010 - Church.

Family
I love them I love them I love them. As crazy as they drive me, I love them. God has been awesome this past year and blessed us in ways that promise me that we will spend at LEAST as much time together in this coming year as we did last year. We're all healthy, and happy, and safe and blessed (and GROWING!!!!!). I hosted thanksgiving for the first time, and it was so much fun that I'm considering starting a tradition!

Friendship
It was a quiet year. I guess I realize that I know a lot of people, but I truly am friends with a few. Being the person that I am, I had a couple moments when I looked at groups of friends who do everything together and felt a little sad, but thats (my) life. My schedule is to blame for a lot of this (along with time zones and 6 odd thousand miles of distance). My friends have been good to me. We may not speak every day (or even every week) but when we do, I truly feel the love.

Finances
Ugh. Thats all. Okay just kidding. I'm a little ashamed to say that my savings are even lower than where they were at the start of the year (even with a pay raise), but the truth is, I have a few good reasons. I upped what I was paying on my car-note (car-note free by June 2010 IJN, 2 years early), moved to a new apartment that I LOVE (even though it has more than doubled my rent), bought furniture and went to Nigeria. I racked up a little CC debt on the way but my plan is to enter 2010 debt free and with a clean slate. And save save save save save!!

Education/Career
Career-wise, the year was disappointing. I am not where I expected to be, and its a little depressing when your mates leave you behind, but I know God has got me and this might be my final push to what I need to do education-wise. I had planned to take the FE exam this year, and the book is still sitting on my dining table unopened, but I'm trying to change some things around here, so watch this space.

Relationships
I continue to be grateful for the wonderful support that was given to me. This year was truly defining. I went from seeing someone every weekend, to seeing him everyday to not being sure when next I'll see him (current expected date: August 2010). Its been tough, but my prayer continues to be "God, if this isn't my own, abeg, take it away from me, so I can find mine". So far, he hasn't gone anywhere :)

Physical Health and Fitness
Yeah, ummmm..... yeah. Right. About that. So I gained a couple pounds this year (I hear those who know me sing alleluia), which I have no problem with, but my arms have lost their definition. :( I didn't use my gym membership ONCE, but I'm healthy sha (*knocks on wood*).

Addictions/Bad habits/Social Life
I continue to say I have none (re: addictions). I still talk too much sha. That ain't changed. Social life? Non existent. Between work and life drama, I did nothing this year. Went to India. Thats it. None of the usual travelling around the country just for the heck of it. I travelled so little that I didn't realize airlines charged you for checked bags until November!

Miscellaneous
2009 was eh at best, and disappeared far too quickly. I learned that things don't always work out the way you planned (which is a new one for me) but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For 2010, I plan to be grateful.

Can't Shake the feeling

I used to get really lonely, even in a crowd of people. I blamed it on not having anyone to call my own, figured it was that natural god-created yearning for a mate, and I figured it would pass when I had someone.

It didn't.

I feel really lonely again, and tonight sitting alone in my apartment watching TV, the feeling is pretty darned strong. Not strong enough to regret the decision to live alone, just strong.

I just spent the day watching CNBC and I'm in a panic once again that my spending is out of control. This *might* have something to do with a classmate of mine just buying a Car and a house and my not being even close to that right now. Yes, all fingers are not equal etc etc, but I should have saved enough by now that I have a down-payment together. I'm also more than a little ashamed of the fact that my savings today are at the exact same place they were this time last year.

I wish I could tell you where the money went. Okay, I did buy furniture. But that only accounts for about $2,000. Okay maybe $3,000. STILL, God help me. I will do better in 2010.

And omo, no tax refund last year mayne. So my naija ticket money this year had to come from savings. I am soooo going to a tax accountant next year. This rape and pillaging cannot continue. I'm about to become a republican. Kai!

I also need to diversify my savings. It used to be cute to put all my money in a Money Market account that many of the banks are offering when interest rates were 5%. Now, I'm earning about 1.3% on my money, while the stock market is happily rebounding without me! What nonsense! Was doing some reading on Roth IRAs and I just realized that there is no penalty for withdrawing contributions early! I need to up my percent investment, and also open an investment account.

I need more ideas about how to make my money work for me (especially since I think I'm going to go back to school in 2011).

Honestly

I don't have much to say other than John Mayer still has the ability to speak to me. Planning to get tickets this week for his show next February. Yes. It's that serious.

I can't sit here and lie that I'm against the death penalty. People like Fritzl should die. People like Charles Manson should die (yeah, I said it. You don't have to personally commit the crime to go to hell for it).

Must be nice to have friends who totally blow your mind. This is not saying that my friends are not awesome. Just read a couple tear-inducing stories over the weekend.

Saw the Broadway musical "Fela!" over the weekend on a whim. Good stuff (especially for only $27). Was slightly annoyed by the lead's accent sha. He sounded East African. *smh*

You know you're getting old when TWO nights in a row, you and your girls plan to go out, and all end up passed out in baggy pajamas. I had fun sha. Dancing around my friends apartment in 3.5 inch heels to Like Play is a TRUE workout mayne. My thighs are still complaining.

I'm getting worried about this thanksgiving sha. Need to compile my guestlist, plan my menu and start shopping like yesterday!

In other news, I finally ordered my dining table! I probably overpaid for it, but abeg jo, life is short (and my dining room is empty).

I keep hearing about this Mint.com. I think I'm about to hop on that bandwagon. Let my retirement at 35 plan begin in earnest!

Hi.

Still here.

Finally got those FE books. 2009 is not yet over. Yes we can!

Growing up is hard to do. Ah ahn! it is well o.

I'm learning that in Corporate America, if you don't toot your own horn, you might as well not have done the work.

I'm also realizing I am not here to make friends. People who deserve to be bitch-slapped will be bitch-slapped. Word to your mother.

I don't think I'm getting promoted this cycle. Which actually doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that I worked very hard at being all things to all people, and the specifically acted like I didn't. I spent 6 month whoring my expertise and time, and I got a "Tori occasionally reaches out to the team to help". Six. Straight. Months. Of doing everything for everyone. And I get an "occasionally"? My feelings are officially hurt.

Living and learning.

Otherwise, my life is brilliant.

On a much less melodramatic note

Gosh. I am totally useless without him here! I need a new lappie and I have no clue where to even start searching. *Sigh*

Didn't sleep well last night because I went to bed so early, but he called when he landed which made me smile. Did my running around today as planned, and I'm feeling a lot saner. I'm still considering cashing in on the sympathy and calling in sick tomorrow sha. Abeg, life is short and your boyfriend only moves to another country once.

2009 is coming to a close and I still havent started some stuff on my VERY short 2009 to-do list. Sad ehn?

He's gone.

I'm more than slightly heartbroken. I'm watching HGTV by myself and trying my hardest (and failing) not to cry.

I wish he was here. That about sums up exactly how I feel.

I need

Indomie in my life.

On Love.

This post was inspired by Kate and The Purple One.

Purp wanted to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Kate argued that they didn't have to be mutually exclusive. I dare to argue that you can have both or have either or.

My sister once said to me that she judges love and boyfriends like this. She knows she loves us (her sisters) and would absolutely give a kidney for one of us if we needed it. She knows she loves a boyfriend if she feels like she'd give him a kidney. Tough huh? (She was much more eloquent than this, forgive me).

I think that loving someone can be a decision, even if its not a conscious one. They are a good friend and have shown themselves to be worth the effort of a friendship. Your mother had her after you and therefore she's been there your whole life and you've shared a million memories. You don't really know when you decided to love her, but the day you and your sister get into that fist fight, and then you let her borrow your curling iron an hour later, you realize you love her. You chose at one point in your life to let whatever petty nonsense go and still be there and enjoy her company in spite of who you each are. Loving someone isn't always easy, but it feels good.

Falling in love? LOL. That one is interesting. Because its not always rainbows and butterflies and that giddy,heady feeling. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and develops slowly, simmering like a good pot of soup. I have no butterflies. Don't get me wrong, I think the girls with the butter flies are in love too, I just don't have that feeling. But I do know that he makes me incredibly ridiculously happy. Even when he pisses me off. My heart does not and has never fluttered when he walked into the room or I got a text message from him. But making him happy brings me so much joy, I look for little things, like casually mentioning who scored the goal in the game yesterday like I know and didnt google that it was off-side (and of course he knows me so well that he laughs and says "you googled that, didn't you?"). I know that I feel grateful and blessed, truly blessed to have him in my life, and I am not sure who made a mistake and made him love me back, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can before someone corrects the slip up. Falling/being in love is what makes your heart break every time he does something careless or selfish or callous no matter how small, and what stops you from walking out of the door even with your broken heart. It's what makes you take the chance that he can heal whatever hurt.

I do think you can separate falling/being in love and loving someone. I think that being in love is a little insane. I don't dispute that women who shoot men for cheating on them, or men who beat the shit out of women for the same reason are in love. I just don't think they "love" the other person. Love does no harm. When you love someone, you cannot hurt them. But when you are "in love" with someone, you lose a little of your sense, and thats what gets you through fights and hard times at the beginning, thats what stops you from walking out the door on day one, that loss of self-preservation which makes you not want to spend your life away from this person and creates the opportunity for you to learn (or choose) to love them.

I think God gave us that "in love" thing as a way to make it easy to love people. Because you don't HAVE to be with an S/O, it might be really hard to be around her and her bad habits, him and his laziness, or whatever long enough to love them despite their faults. So God blessed us with a (usually) harmless temporary insanity, that keeps us long enough for the choice to love to kick in. Unfortunately, sometimes that temporary insanity is a bit too intense.

So I moved into my own place last weekend...

So far, I LOVE IT. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT. I love arriving home at night, I love waking up in the morning and knowing there's no one there but me and its all mine, I love walking naked from my bedroom to my kitchen (I don't have a trashcan in my bedroom jo), and I am beyond excited about furniture shopping.

Im still freaking out just a tad about expenses and making mental notes to remove all the incandescent bulbs and replace them with flourescent ones but I think I'll be fine. I need to clean the place properly, my cable and internet gets set up on saturday and I'll be HOME! Woohooo.

So I need to buy a set of couches, a TV (and TV stand) and maybe a small dining table. Side tables, a coffee table and a small carpet (rug) for the living room would be nice, but I know I don't have to do those this second. If work wasn't so awful right now, I'd be half through this list, but as it is, I havent even had time to clean the old place and hand over the keys to the landlord.

Im really excited, but sorta worried at the same time about being lonely. I know, although Ive always had a room-mate, my most recent roommate was never ever home and the ones before that, we really didn't talk so its not like Im missing someone to hang with. I guess I just liked knowing there was someone there.

We'll see. Another new chapter.

In unrelated news, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MSN PASSWORD IS!!! Aaaarrrgh!

As Usual

I'm worrying about money. According to CNN money, I should be saving 10.9% of my income for retirement. So I guess this 3% in my 401-k really wont fly. Of course this comes after I signed my lease on my $1400 apartment.

Not like it would have changed my mind much sha, let me not lie. I'm going to furnish the heck out of that place and actually LIVE there. And I'm going to love every second of it.

Just read this article on the NY times site and I don't know how I feel about it. The argument is that she fought to keep her marriage without fighting. And she says she didn't beg him to stay. Not letting him leave is the same as asking him to stay. Fantasia said "If you don't want me, then don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself." Go.

Which maybe points back to me not being ready to be married and swallow my own pride and fight for something bigger.

Everyday some new facet of marriage shows itself to me and scares me. No warm fuzzies here. Yesterday it was the couple who went to Mexico for their first anniversary who got hit by some wave while swimming. He died. How does she survive? Today it's men trying to leave you and using the children as an excuse. "The kids would want me to be happy". I have never heard anything as stupid in my life.

*sigh*

Adulthood isn't easy.

On the other hand, a question posed by a friend today made me realize that I don't have any person-specific reservations about boo anymore. At least none that I can think of this moment.

I guess we'll see where this goes.

Blankets...

I'd love to create traditions with people I know.

Like I know this one guy who used to read comics and graphic novels. And even though he thnks I'm insane and we do not speak at all because I think he is rude and lacks social skills, ever since I met him, I haven't been able to shake the idea of making him that friend who whenever I go to Barnes and Noble and buy a new graphic novel, I finish it and automatically put it in the mail for him. And I get surprise package books of my own to read. We don't speak on the phone and gist or hang out or anything. We just get random books in the mail.

Im secretly hoping that he secretly reads this and sends me "Blankets" by Craig Thompson.

So I opened my super secret other blog to go vent, and I found out that it had been hijacked by spam bots! Hmph! Nonsense and ingredients.

I'm quite annoyed and refuse to open a third.

Moving in 2 weeks. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. A lot of space, first time living alone, and the apartment costs an arm and about 12 legs, so I'm freaking out a little about money (and for some stupid reason checking my bank balance every day, like that is going to decrease my rent. Hmph.).

My old roomie is being a pain and wants to switch the electricity bill to my name for the one month I'm here without her which is irritating considering that I'm moving out halfway through the month and so I'll be opening another account with them overlapping the time (and as far as I know, they wont let you have 2 at the same time....not entirely sure about that one sha). *hiss*. I am not clear what difference it would make if we left it as is and I deposited money into her account as we've always done. *Sigh* One more reason to live alone and not have to deal.

I need to go furniture shopping. At last, my own place, so I fully intend to completely furnish it within the first month. Well, at least couches, if not wall art. I'm excited.

And what is it with all these people popping babies? And quitting their jobs in a recession?

I forgot how awesome "The Breakup" was. And sorta think mine will be just like that. Which is a depressing thought. But I do depressing.

And now "you oughta know" is stuck in my head.

Am I just easy?

I have got on a shitload of planes to go visit guys. Guy's I'm friends with, guys I'm "talking to", guys I'm dating, guys I'm in crush with. All of it.

And I've only ever had one dude pay half (and that sure didn't turn out well, but that's a looooong story for another day. Yes, sirree, I paid for all the other tickets myself. Heck , the question didn't even come up about whether or not they'd be paying all or part of my my way. I went out,had fun came back and thought nothing of it....

....Until today when a friend of mine started a facebook discussion on whether or not it meant "He's not that into you" if he didn't offer to pay for at least half your ticket.

Dang.

So according to the first 57 responses, he should offer. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Not all 57 said that. Maybe only 56). And I'm here doing a silent tally in my head wondering "chei, I've wasted how many thousand dollars 'catching trips' " when I shoulda been doing that junk for free!

So my expectation has always been to pay my own way, then maybe pay for one meal before I leave as a "thanks for the hospitality" but sorta assume he'll pay my expenses while I'm there (abeg jo, tickets are expensive, and I AM a guest. But I carry vex money sha. I have definitely encountered the occasional cheapskate).

Is that odd?

The Haters that be...

Have abused me about comment moderation, so I have removed it.

:D

He's out of my life.

Michael is gone sha.

*shakes head*

Craziness. Who ever thought he was less than immortal?

One of my earliest childhood memories is wanting, no, needing to listen to Thriller because I LOVED that song, but being to scared to watch the video. I would go and hide under the couch in the living room so I could hear the song without seeing the images (you'd think I would know that turning my face away from the screen would have the same effect, huh?).

Craziness. That mans effect on people will never be duplicated:



No one can do this. Who came close? I was talking to a friend last night and we couldn't come up with number 2.

I do believe he was a pedophile, and very disturbed, but that doesn't take one thing away from his musical genius. And we have him to thank for Celebrity-causes. We are the World came before Band AID. He was the precursor to every Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates and Angelina Jolie and George Clooney. He popularized celebrities using their fame to bring attention and much needed support to humanitarian causes. Many many sick children loved the oppotunity to spend a portion of their last days on his Ranch ( I just hope he didn't give those ones "Jesus Juice").

I was and will forever be a huge fan. And apparently, so will the rest of the world. As at 5 minutes ago, 7 of the top 10 albums on iTunes were Michael Jackson album (all of the top 5). My prayers go out to his family, especially his young children. I hope there was at least one trusted person who will look out for them. One of his lawyers said last night that if we thought Anna Nicole Smith was surrounded by opportunistic, self-serving, sycophantic leeches, I'm paraphrasing) , Michael's was worse. I pray god protect those children, and provide for them.

Gone too soon.

Im listening to semi-depressing music and feeling sorry for myself. I keep trying to find ways to improve my outlook, and maybe the attitude change will make it all better, but it doesnt. A new monkey wrench is always thrown in. E go better. I at least have a job. 

First things first tho, I can hate my new consultant all I want, but I need to make sure he doesnt know that. 

Q2 2009

Is officially in effect and I missed most of my Q1 Goals. Ha.

1. Updated resume- check

Thats about it.

Positive Ideas please!

So as everyone who knows me is aware, work has been a little hellish for over a year now. I have found that the cheery morning person I used to be has disappeared and I walk in each day not just sad to be at work, but thinking and expecting the worst of people. Small slights which might not have been malicious are automatically assumed to be direct attacks which generally wreck my already bad day.

I need to figure out ways to inject positivity into my day, which will also help uplift my mood. Whatever it is I do, though, has to be independent of my coworkers, as theyre the cause of my headaches in the first place.

Last year, I made things bearable by going out in the middle of the day to buy cupcakes with a coworker. We would buy a box of 4 in different flavors and share each one while trading war stories. Unfortunately, she left to go volunteer somewhere/go to gradschool and I am left without a cupcake buddy. Also, I don't think my scale or my dentist appreciate the habit.

I'm trying to figure out something else I could do (especially since its summertime almost) that will bring my smile back .

This Can't be Life.

I feel off.

I feel like I am actually becoming that person I used to wish I was. I used to be really open and chatty and tell anyone who would sit still long enough to listen everything there was to know about me. Now I don't. Not because I'm suddenly secretive, but because I really have nothing to say. There is nothing to be said. Things are shitty. I am fine.

This started a couple months ago when I was feeling really down, but just wouldn't talk to anyone or say anything. People noticed and I guess were used to the regular me and kinda asked, got my " I really don't feel like talking" response and were confused by it. I felt awful and have since made the effort to talk, not because I have shit to say, but because I almost feel like its expected of me. Things got better and it got easier to "tell" even if I didn't feel like it.

Well now things are shit again and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything other than stay in my bed in my house and be alone. I know they all just want to help but I don't feel like explaining what is going on, don't feel like telling you why your helpful suggestions won't work. I don't feel like dealing with the guilt of you taking it personal when I say that even calling to say "I don't feel like talking. I'm going to bed. Goodnight" feels like a chore.

I just need to go back home and let things get better. I don't truly believe the will anymore though. I just say it now.

I guess in good news the ONE thing keeping me at my job seems to be moving forward. I should be excited, but I haven't told a soul about it. Not being secretive, I am just utterly uninterested.

I want to end the post by saying "it will get better" but I feel like a liar.

I'm tired.

Could I stay if you cheated?

When your life is going too fast, off the train tracks... 

I kinda miss this..

there was a time I was on here multiple times a day.

*sigh*

I am content. Kind of.

Work is still what it is but I'm glad Im not worried about being fired, and my H-1 is valid for another couple years, so things are okay there.

I really hate it when women waddle. I have a new coworker who started last week who can't be a day over 26. She has these beautiful wide hips and a very curvy figure, but she waddles.

Like a duck.

Its so.... unsexy. Everytime I see her walk, I push back my shoulders and straighten my back and make sure I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making sure my motion is centered around my spine, and not side-to-side. eh. I guess her waddling adds a little sexy to my step.

Booboo and I recognize that we're probably doomed but aren't doing anything about it. We'll see. Maybe I'm being the eternal pessimist as always.

Work should be insane but I don't give a damn anymore, which has had the most unusual effect of improving my efficiency.

Tax season has me depressed.

I simply can't get enough of http://music.gidilounge.com . At home, at work, sitting in my cube winding my waist and ko mole-ing.

The Ex is being friendly. I don't know how I feel about that.

I need a complete wardrobe overhaul, but I'm not getting that tax refund check I was hoping for.

Eh.

Q1 2009

1. Prepare for the FE exam
2. Update my resume
3. See a dentist
4. Invest in Nigeria
5. Take the GMAT?

I'm Drowning

And I can't find a life-saver.

How the eff am I supposed to not be scared?

When I think of you and how you'll be affected with every decison I take and you constantly tell me how I am my own person and I can do whatever I want?

When you randomly tell me you want to move to damn near Siberia (okay, I know, absolute exaggeration, but still!)

Awesome song came on. I'm going to go and curl up in my burning room when i get done slow-dancing.

Wow.

I am shocked at how much that hurt. And it wasn't what you said. It was what you didn't say. Apparently, no matter what you think, you're never not alone.

Wow. I need a day to process it, then I'll be fine.

I hope.

I need a new blog

So I'm getting one.

I'll be around.

Yup

She was wrong. Not the best evaah, but not sucky. :D

I'm not obsessing...

...yet.

Lets see how long it takes before I break.

Apparently, I'm on a high horse. Someone left me a comment and I haven't the foggiest idea what he/she meant. *sigh* Too bad. If you see this, please elucidate. :)

Yup

I was right.
What I thought was a perfectly mature conversation broke it.
GoFugYourself.

I guess you had to be there...

John Mayer tickets in July!!! Woooohooo!!

Life is good. Relatively boring but good. For some reason, I'm not even trying but I'm populating dossiers on faar too many people. Lol. Humans are interesting.

It has been INCREDIBLY difficult to get any work done these past few days. Which is awful since I need to bill a minimum of 8 hoours a day and I have no deliverables to show for it.

I started coming into work this week between 7 and 730. Its amazing how prodctive I can be in that itty bitty time period before 9:30. The rest of the day is worthless.

Okay. Sorry. I was sooo gonna give you gist, but someone came on google and she is waay more interesting. :D

You Know, It's Funny...

I know when I'm being annoying. I know when I'm pushing people away. I can see clearly the exact moment when the "it really isn't this serious, I'm bouncing" straw breaks the camels back. I just can't seem to stop myself.

I even start to sorta miss these people after a while when the calls stop coming after I haven't answered the calls for a month, or the IMs are stilted after I haven't said anything for weeks. I want to be like "I feel like talking again, where were we?" but people aren't quite that forgiving.

I'm just not as sure how to come back from that place.

One thing I remember clearly from my days as a non-pagan, was fear. Constantly waking up from nightmares and praying myself back to sleep. Then I started pretending God didn't exist any day other than Sunday/days my life is sucking royally/days my life is freaking awesome and I could get to sleep. I hung out with a bunch of Jesus-freaks (and I mean that in a really good way. Heck, one day I want to refer to myself as a Jesus-Freak.) two weekends in a row and I realized that I miss it. I thought about it all last night and guess what happened? Another nightmare.

Probably unrelated, but I definitely noticed.

I need new music on my iPod

I need new people around me.
I need new clothes in my closet.
I need new shoes on my rack.
I need a new church with a choir that can sing.
I need a new apartment.
I need a new apartment I can actually afford.
I need a new ibi ise.
Most importantly, right now, I need lunch.

Poised for Withdrawal

I think I need to take a step back and evaluate who I think am, who I want to be and who I really am.

Random

My right hand index finger itches something fierce.

I'm there again. I need to move again. Go somewhere else that I know no one then get sad that I don't know anyone then meet people then get irritated with them or myself or both and feel the need to skip to another town.

On the other hand, I visited namesake for the first time and fell in love with her house. It has me itching to put down roots. Picking out carpeting and kitchen appliances and living room furniture and an island for the kitchen and top loader vs. front loader and king vs queen for the guest room and *sigh*.

More later. Work.

I'm having a moment

And I have no PMS to blame it on.

The day didnt start sucking when I looked out the window and saw about 6 inches of snow. It still wasn't sucking when I braked at a red light and my car kept going. The day started sucking when my numbers wouldn't add up, so I turned to the internet to make it better/waste time. Then I got ignored. I HATE being ignored.

Except its the internet. And it doesn't matter.

Or does it?

I feel a little insane right now. And the public journal got me a little emotional. And Lauryn Hill in my right ear isn't helping much either.

I need to step away from the internet and stick my feet firmly back into my reality.

Angst Free

And I hate it. I want to obsess. :(

Heart Burn!

Adrenaline rushing through my body!!!

Lol. I wish. No butterflies. Or evn gnats. Life is boring. Work is evil. Im strangely happy.

God is Awesome. I just have to occasionally remind myself this sometimes.

And all the Evil Beyotches say "Aye"

So friend 1 got engaged over the break. I met friend 1 throught "friend" 2.

"Friend" 2 had a thing for friend 1 and because friend 1 and I hit it off, "friend" 2 decided I must be boinking him on the side and stopped speaking to us both.

Well, now friend 1 is engaged and Ive spent the last 8 months playing dumb like I don't know there is tension and I don't realize "friend" 2 doesn't exactly love me.

I desperately want to break the news to her that he is engaged, not to vindicate myself of any wrongdoing, but to see if it pains her.

Hi, my name is Tori and I'm going to hell.

Whooosaah

I need to breathe. I also need to move to naija and get away from BS. I need to have a life and be home at 7pm at night and still be appreciated. Not yelled at for billing too many hours, yet told that I need to consider staying later because shit didnt get done. Fuckers.

So Im Back to Being Psycho.

Eh. Thats life.

February should return me to sanity....or make me even more crazy.

Life is a Funny Place

My work honey was my secret Santa. LOL.

Random

I am no fashionista. I used to have my very own personal style. Then I tried to keep up with the rest of the world. And failed miserably. Everytime I let other people have input on what I wear and how I ought to wear it and mix it up with MY idea of what looks good, I cringe in retrospect. I need to go back to finding and wearing and packing what makes me feel good.

I don't understand people. I probably never will. I try very very hard to make sense of behavior and comments but it never works.

I care deeply about what people think / how people feel. In general, this concern is not returned ( at least from the people I expect it to be from).

I have this amazing ability to delude myself into believing that certain people are closer to me than they are / shared more with me than they did and I bless God for the technology that creates a footprint because I am able to go bakc in time and see what our relationship really is and slap myself back into reality.

I like to think I'm a lot less shallow than I come off.

Resolution 2008

Flirt with hot guys.

Fighting

The urge to talk.

The World is Flat

Its sunday afternoon and I'm sitting at work. I have a very long list of tasks I MUST complete today because our client needs them at 9am tomorrow. I did about 2 hours of work yesterday, and on thursday i pulled an all time high of 18 billable house ( this means I subtracted lunchtime and wasted random time from the total time I was at work). I clearly should be working but I had to put down this thought before I forget it. Leaving work at 4am is clearly not healthy. I got into a discussion with a friend after seeing "Why did I get married" because Im worried that I'm becoming the lawyer chick and she said to me " well youre on vacation. you should not do work on vacation" but then what if there is no one else to do the work?

Interestingly, I'm reading The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman and one of his points is that kids need to find careers in which they have a value-add: something no one else can bring. Someone else said that the only way you have job security is if you do something no one else can do. And i dont really mean absolutely no one else in the universe is capable of doing your task, but the only way you can be absolutely certain you have something to do is if youre the only one who does it. Simple enough right?

But if youre the only one who can do something, anything, then youre the only that can do it. Say goodbye to vacation, silent Blackberrys, etc. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, there has to be, but I cant find it. Everyone on my team, from the lowest of the low to the most senior person in the organization has been workingon this around the clock. What happened to being asleep at 2am?

I love what I do, I honestly do, I just dont know if it gives me space to love anything (or anyone) else.

The Public Journal, Summer 2007

its like someone stole the thoughts out of my head and put them down.

I'll post the entry soon.

Numb is the new deep

I feel a sense of Deja Vu....like this is a post I've made before. I used to care so much about what was going on in the universe, what was going on around me. I had a million opinions and loved opportunities to educate people and now I seriously dont care.

Okay, thats a bit extreme. I do care. But a lot of time, I don't want to know. I don't want to know specifics of the madness in Pakistan. I got tired of watching monks get beaten up. I have no idea why precisely Rumsfeld stepped down. I saw "Gates" complaining about China not sanctioning Iran and wondered what Bill Gates business was with Iran. I seriously much rather read fiction.

in other news, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers is pretty good.

St. Patricks Day

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

Everyone I know graduated and ran out to find a man/woman to settle down with. Its a little annoying. Friends who used to be constantly available no longer can do anything because they want to hang out with a significant other. i guess it feels doubly odd because I was there (in a couple of the cases) egging them on, helping deal with neuroses so the new other doesnt wonder what kind of crazed lunatic they are choosing to deal with. Then it all goes well, then I'm suddenly shut out.
I guess I'll just have to find stuff to do on my own.

Ooh, baby, it's raining.

Went to school this weekend with Ghanaboy.

fabulous time. That stupid jackass who "only dates black girls" was there. Ignored me entirely the whole time. No big deal, right? Not like I can stand him.

Till the day we were leaving and it was pouring and I was giving Mr. Nigeria a ride back to campus after lunch. He came to suck up to Ghanaboy for a job, ignored me, then followed us to MY car for a ride to wherever the hell he had to go.

I saw him following us trying to get under Sade's umbrella, realized what was going on and laughed then asked " is [moron] planning to get into my car after being incapable of saying hello all weekend?"

I laughed again and kept walking. He mumbled something and ghanaboy said "thats not what you say you idiot, you apologize or say hi or something."

We got to my car and he didnt get in.

Guess who didnt give a shit?

Yoooo!

I totally typed in my password without looking at the keyboard!

Go me!!!

Up next, world domination!

O My Freaking GAWSH!!!

I want to have Steve Jobs babies. I can see it now: the pitter-patter of little nano's.

Except the new nano's are fugly. So Shuffles. And someday they will grow up to be iPod Touches.

*sigh*

For Shame!!!

I just realized my favorite tech blog ( well after fake steve jobs, of course) is not in fact called "Endgadget", but "Engadget", sans "d".

I must officially resign as family/friend tech go-to person and I apologize profusely to the universe for portraying myself as a techie o so falsely.

*hangs head in shame*.


In other news, say I'm overreacting all you want, but I called ol'dude yesterday and left a nice "hey how are you doing message" as I left for work, but when I hadn't got a callback by 11 last night, I deleted the number.

Eh, it was fun while it lasted.

New York, New York

titles like that make you assume the post is going to be an ode to the [sarcasm] wonderfulness that is [/scarcasm] NYC.

Its not.

I don't totally abhor the city anymore (maybe because I've finally hung out there properly in the summer time so there is less drippage). By "the city" of course, I mean Manhattan. The other 4 boroughs might as well not exist. But thats beside the point.

I couldn't think of a title for the post. And I was in NY for the weekend. So thats that.

Hung out with the bootylicious and we actually had a good time, zero drama. Friday we went out with Femi Kuti and a friend of his. I was DD, and therefore completely sober, so it was fun to watch the other 3 get wasted. As always, as the night wore on, it stopped being so funny and became a bit of a drag when I got tired and they still wanted to hit up other places. In the end sha, it was a good time. Went back to bootylicious house and passed out.

Saturday, I went to Harlem to get my hair braided and as we all know that was the end of the day.

Sunday, went shopping with Ghanaboy. He was horrendously late, so B and I had plenty time to just chill and talk, so it was really nice. Then we had dinner and went home. We had planned to go back out htat night, but laziness set in. We ended up just vegging out on the couch and going to sleep. Headed back monday scared that traffic would be a beast if i left late, but NOTHINGNESS.

So I came home and obsessed about M and made fried rice.

Making plans now to "randomly" call him later today and go to Ithaca this weekend with Ghanaboy.

YES, I'm allowed to call (stop JUDGING ME), he called friday night. And after the very familiar "whats up?" I said "Who is this?"

*grin*

I wasn't playing games jare, I didn't have his number. Fi mi le jo!

Jedi Mind Games

So of course I get a random text message fro ma random number saying

"Im guessing you're at work now, I'll give you a call later tonight. "

so I get all excited, before I realize its this random kid in Michigan looking for grad school advice.

So I decided (properly this time) to write him off.

....until, of course, 6 months down the line he actually does call and common sense tells me to cut the relationship to that one phonecall but I don't so I end up on the regular rollercoaster and I want to slap myself for my stupidity.

Gah.

Meh.

I'll eventually stop checking my phone for missed calls.

He was a good kisser tho.

Would you do a line of cocaine, knowing the first hit could kill you?

What price is too high to pay for the satisfaction of curiosity?

Do you peace out on the last year of college to see if you could make it as a musician or do you do me and wait 9 months to get that degree?

*sigh*

I think you're an idiot, but if you need me, I'm here.

Terminally Single

So of course I met a nice boy and of course I f*cked it up as usual.

Apparently, me and my big mouth coping strategy told his friend he wasn't cute way back in MAY.

So we hang out this weekend and we end up kissing, and he promises to call but never does. I call his friend (the guy I know him through) and that one is like "Ah, ah, you want him to call you? I thought it was a one night thing now!" and I'm too busy trying to maintain my gangsta so I don't say (as I ought to have) "How many times have you seen me making out with random dudes as one night things?"

So I guess its safe to assume thats over. Either way, you dont wife the girl you swapped spit with in a smoky club.

I want to

make out all night and go to work exhausted but smiling that secret smile that says I'm ecstatic and I can't tell you about it.

Friday was fan-freakin- tastic. Had a blast ( of course, I absolutely always have a blast with Femi Kuti). But I had a blast for slightly different reasons.

*secret smile*

Except the bastard hasnt called. Eh.

So

I went out and bought that body pillow like Ive been threatening.

Life is good. I like the new job. I don't know many people (that I actually want to hang out with) in this area so life is pretty boring now and I'm making all sorts of plans for trips out of tow (which usually means a very broke year for me).

Femi Kuti leaves the country next week so I'm going to the city to say goodbye. Meeting up with one of the spring break ladies and V and him to paint the town pastel pink (I KNOW these people are far too boring to do anything remotely red, and I'm designated driver so I gotta be tame too so eh. Cant see ghanaboy because he is in Chicago, so i gotta settle for pink).

Screwed up royally at owrk a few times this week, but apparently I'm allowed since I'm new, but I hear I only get one chance, and I used it up pretty fast. Gotta double check my double checks twice from now on.

One horrifyingly hot cutie, but I haven't made any major moves yet. Just ogling him from the distance for now.

Life is good. And I'm happy.

Tired

...I wonder if its grounds for a "this isn't a good fit" if I bring a sleeping bag to work and use it during the day.

There is something shockingly sexy about fit eurpoean men with hairy arms.

Ia eyarialo otaria goelho tahogeiama.

I just realized that the best present anyone could get me right now is the new Harry Potter.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I wish i had some damn boys to ride in cars with. Hell I dont want to ride einthe car with them, I just need one of these asses that call themselves my friends to go with me to the car dealer/auction/seller and help me out with buying the damn thing. I know nothing about cars and its like everyone is just looking at me like I'm stupid.

I need a freaking car. Ive been here 3 weeks doing nothing. Come with me to look at a car " sorry i cant". I go by myself y'all act like I'm some stupid child.

I have only 7 days to get everything done and all of you are wasting my time. I feel like walking into a Honda Dealership and just buying whatever i see. *hiss*

Breaking the Habit

I have realized that when I think someone is mad at me / about to be mad at me for something I think is not my fault/doesnt exist, I pre-emptively vex for them so I don't give a damn if they're mad or not.

Very 7-year-old behavior.

Its incredibly hard not to be a know it all when you're always right.

My sitemeter is gone. Aaargh.

I HATE the stoopid "remember me" thing

WTF is the point if it never works? Everytime I come on, I have to put my information in anyway.

*seethes*

An Apple A Day

Keeps the doctor away, but how do I stay away from the dentist?

I have an abcessed tooth. great huh?

What sucks is that I have spent like $2,000 on this same tooth over the past couple years. Okay, okay, fine, if I had got that crown after my root canal 2 years abo, maybe we wont be having this discussion, but hell, its my blog, I can whine all I want.

So I'm about to have 27 teeth ( I had one wisdom pulled already and the others have refused to show face. I figure they fear the same fate). I'm considering getting an implant, but that one na another gbese. We'll see what my mouth looks like after this tooth is gone tomorrow. If I feel uncute, I guess I shall have to spend the moneyon the implant.

And of course my dumb ass agreed to take 2 15 year olds around DC tomorrow, knowing I'm having dental work done. And I would say I'd beat their asses if they are bad, but they are bigger than me. This life isnt fair.

In other news, I decided that this borederline skinny steez isn't working for me and I want my abs of steel back. So I'm going to start working out .... again. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

As usual, I took a nap this evening, so I'm not going to be able to sleep. Boo naps.

Partaaaay Saturday. Nothing whatsoever to wear. I haven't bought anything sexy in a while, grad school spoiled me. Spent a year going out partying in the clothes I rolled out of bed and wore to class, and I didn't even look strange. Hell, the first party I went to when I got back here, I got the worst leg cramps the next day from not having worn heels in so long. Work should be fun. I can go back to playing dress-up. School made me lazy.

This one I'm planning to da-bubble on saturday, I better start praying that my face doesn't look anything like it did when I got the other tooth pulled. LOL. It was my senior year in college and I had midterms so I couldn't hide out. I just rocked a hoodie and went to class. When people were brave enough to pick their jaws up and ask what happened, I told them "My boyfriend is trying to make me a better person"

Reactions? Priceless.

Life is Short

And there is no point wasting it being scared.

*sigh*

Dirt be-gone!!!

I don't know what it is about home that has my filthy mind de-filth ( or what it was about school that made me this agro-fied teenager) but sanity has returned.

My inner whore is quiet for now. No more temptation to do freaky shit with people I barely know outside of the random conversation. Lol. Life is hilarious. I can laugh now about waking up at 4am and having, not choosing, having to delete his number after a particularly steamy dream and being ooh so grateful, 12 hours later, while texting Ineka when I wanted to act on it and the only reason I could'nt was that I didnt have his number. I'm still curious, but the lucky recipient of my attentions has changed *grin*

Funnier were conversations with ghanaboy, going through the lists of the guys I know and who would be best fir for "the job".

And now, all I want is attention. Michigan, I wanted tenderness, school I wanted something very physical, now I just want attention. I don't need you to ever touch me, I just want my phone ringing and to catch your surreptitious glances in public places and to flirt like everyones watching. So far, its been good, I just wish the guys were really worth the coquettish smiles and the innuendo.

I wonder what the tone for Jersey will be. Will it be another soul searching Michigan? Or more misbehavior? We'll see.

For right now, I need a bed and I can't believe I am basing my descision on wether to get a full sized bed or a Queen on the possibility that I may have someone sleep over occasionally and I'd rather not be squished.

Actually, squishing isn't all bad.

Eh, I cant decide. I just need a damn bed.

E be like say some of you actually believe I'm 18.

*dies laughing*

18 was a loooooooong time ago.

18 till I die

... its my 18th birthday today.

Yup, yup, I'm a child prodigy. 2 degrees and a couple years of work experience all before my 18th birthday.

Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

*smile*

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Even scarier to me that people reading what I write about them is self censorship. I would feel jailed (like I did when I tried it before) if I felt like I had to hide my thoughts or not say certain things for fear they be seen or misunderstood.

Its inevitable that my thoughts will be misunderstood simply because I don't post them here in a bid to make them clear to the reader. They are mine, I'm just feeding my inner exhibitionist by putting them on the internet.

That being said, I'm out of here!!!

gosh adulthood sucks ass!! I havent got my first paycheck yet, and Im poor already!! Worrahell?
Then I gotta go give some dentist like $3,500 of my money, because I was too poor/too lazy to deal with it before? And of course, now I am off daddy's payroll, the expenses rear their ugle heads *rollseyes*

Its all good. As my aunt said yesterday, "Welcome to adulthood."

eh.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

I've been sitting home all day thinking about him. He has inhabited every waking (and sleeping) thought today. Every. Last. One.

I'm not ready for this. This was supposed to be safe. The sheer impossibility of it all was supposed to save me from listening to music that reminds me of him, reading the book he recommended and seeing him in each character, from sitting here scared to go to Collegetown for fear I'd run into him, from talking to mutual friends and censoring myself for fear that something I say may be misconstrued as a "come-hither". From the knowledge that all he has to do is say the word, and I am his.

Its this damn book. There is no logical explanation.

Why do I have to be so impossibly female? Hopefully, this is all just the product of an unoccupied mind on a lazy sunday, and I'll be fine tomorrow. If not, i have to get out of this town now before I do something stupid.

Graduated.

So they messed around and gave me another degree.

Who woulda thunk it?

MADNESS

Craziest week EVER.

Still making bad decisions, but fortunatley they cant bite me in the ass

Graduation on Saturday/Sunday.

On my way out (again) but I will come and update you on the madness that is.

Happiness isn't

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton

Bipolar

He was extremely sweet over lunch. Which was hilarious because I was expecting him to grab my plate and throw it in my face just to keep it going with the recent manic-lunatic shit he pulled yesterday.

*shrug*

I saved the conversations, just in case I forget what kind of asshole he is. I'm not mad. I don't hate him, I just know we really aren't friends.

I really should invest in that body pillow.

Hmm.

Apparently, he's sorry. Lunch tomorrow.

Done.

Niggas and flies
I do despise
But the more I see niggas,
The more I like flies.

I'm done. You really are an asshole in every sense of the word.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

LORD, I HATE DRAMA.

Stupid me went to go and do good samaritan and people started disrespecting a negro for no reason. Abi gini?

So its [ivy leagues excuse for crazy homecoming type event when football team sucks] and everyone is out and about.

We are all acting a fool when we run into this girl I know. Warm body spots her and decides he is in love. No biggie. Life is great.

Except SHE ISN'T FEELING HIM. End of story. Still no big deal right?

Nooooooo, your girl Tori, savior of the universe decides to help a sista out. So my girl B calls me aside to say she thinks Warm body is nice and all, but she is feeling my sweetheart, my honey bunches of oats, the one and only chivalrous male at [school].

YAAAAAY. My baby is about to get some play! (Not that I'm saying he doesn't get play, o. But he isn't a man-whore like the rest of them)

SCREEEEECH. Brakes. Warm body won't leave her side. So I decide to play good samaritan and I tell my sweetheart what the deal is, so he can move in, but apparently, its against the Man Code. His friend got there first and so he cannot holla till his friend, of his own volition, leaves the babe alone.

Ah well. Except STOOOPID Jamaica ( im tired of wasting endearments jo, lets call him jamaica) tells Mr. Nigeria wassup, and Mr. Nigeria decides to tell warm body to back off. Mr. Nigeria SOBER isn't the most tactful SOB in the world ( I love him anyway) but he's been drinking. I have no clue how he told ol boy, but warm body backs off, but gets all salty. Rejection is a bitch, what can I say.

Except he fucking goes to talk to his boy, the other Goo.nie and next thing I know the idiot is not speaking to me.

WTF?

No be you the girl reject ooo, na you boy, that is why when I'm addressing you and asking you if you can help me find my phone, you COMPLETELY IGNORE me when we are the only people in the room?

Its all good. Na me cause am. Because I dey follow you shine teeth like say na my teeth dey cause sunlight and sunset, that be why you think say you fit dey do me anyhow.

I'm not even mad at warmbody self for whatever he said. Hell, if na me self, I go think say the girl I'm messing with dey block. I would be sorely dissapointed sha, because he clearly doesn't understand the nature of our relationship. I am purely objectifying him. I don't like to sleep alone, so you are just a warm animate object beside me. I DON'T WANT YOU LIKE THAT. Just in case youre reading this, when she asked me about you I PUT IN A FUCKING GOOD WORD. *rollseyes*

Me sef, I suppose leave all this one behind. What is that new T.I. song that isnt even out that he performed at the concert today? "Big shit poppin, l'il shit stoppin". My brain don fry.

Popcorn and Headers

There are Very Few Times I Want a Man.

Tonight is one of them.

I would love for someone to have (actually, present tense, to) worry about me. I want someone to randomly show up in the lab with a cup of coffee and a sandwich for me. Or just now, when I was hiding tears of sheer frustration, I want someone to notice and hug me into silence and tell me its okay.

Instead I have stolen popcorn

How you Put Yourself out there is How you will be percieved

In summary: If you booty-IM (calling is soooo 2005) people, there is a good chance they will offer to pour liquor on you "like in big -pimpin" (which was quite possibly the most demeaning use of alcohol I've ever seen). Nothing spoil sha. I can't even be insulted. Na me cause am.

In other news, I'm going insane with work. I would like nothing other than to have someone wrap their arms around me while I grab my 3 hours of sleep a night, but apparently that person doesn't exist. Its fooling around or nothing. *smh*

I guess I'll take nothing.

Also, you have too many friends on facebook if you continually have "who the eff is that?" moments when people update pictures.

I miss U.go. Mostly because there are 800 million pictures of him on facebook having a blast without me. Hair appointment in the morning. Alleluia.

I wonder if warm body still reads this. I don't think I care. I want to get a little more explicit (by explicit I mean detailed, you filthy minds) but I have no clue how many people actually know me. I ain't trynna do a Ms.Annabella repeat.

Damn. I just put myself out there.

If I Should Die

please play this at my funeral

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course,
each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

Yes, there were times,
I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
and did it my way!

Waiting on the World to Change

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones. - Bertrand Russell

If Sleep is the Cousin of Death

what does that make me?

I'm exhausted and I got the most sleep Ive had all week last night. I should go nap for an hour before I have to go to the NSBE thing at the Statler.

School is much more insane than usual.

I have loads more to say but I'm far too sleepy to type.

Be back. Lots of procrastinating to do this week.

You Always Want What You Haven't Got

So I'm walking home from class to get my cellphone that I forgot at home earlier today, when my mind went back to my ...umm... encounter over the weekend.

Its the perfect situation. We're cool. He doesn't call me to ask what I meant. I don't wander around thinking about what he said or what he did or whether or not he likes me or whether or not I stuck my foot in my mouth as usual and said something to make him hate me and all the other usual crap I obsess about when I'm in like or crush or whatever else I'm usually in.

That is exactly the problem. Im not in....anything. I'm totally emotionally detached. And it bothers me. All of a sudden I want to be that girl who obsesses....I just feel very....weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go delude myself into believing that I want to have this mans babies or anything equally dumb, I'm just uncomfortable with how okay with this I am.
Or was.

I have no idea what I want. I know I don't want emotional entanglement. I'm too busy with work and life to be having stupid "we need to talk" conversations with anyone about "the state of the union".

But then, I'm shocked at how I don't feel remotely guilty. Outside of the daft smile I always wear the next day when I whine about how tired I am and the quick text message to Ineka, I could care less.

I can't organize my thoughts to make a proper post and explain what Im thinking.
Hell, this post probably isn't about what you think it is. I might be Freying. Or my brain might be on strike.

People are Assholes

And I hate this school.

Half the reason for this, of course, is that I left my cellphone at home so I have to go alllll the way home to get it and come allll the way back which will take me forever ( and, by forever, I mean 40 minutes) which is tres annoying. All this is, quite obviously, the schools fault.

In other news, people are still assholes and politicians are still corrupt.

Gossip

Amuses me. I like the idea of turning my life into a game of chinese whispers-let people make up stories and see how they come back to me. I found myself, today, asking a friend not to tell people a particular truth about me because it would negate a whole bunch of current rumors and that would be tres boring.

In other news, my primary school friend has dissapeared....haven't eard from her at all. As far as I know, she's alive. Maybe she saw the blog and got offended.

King of Sorrow

This Woman is the epitome of Sade's Song.

2007 Pulitzer Prize winner for photography.

I got accepted to Virginia Tech last year. Why do I feel guilty for being grateful I changed my mind about going there and came here?

Pregnant?

I can't focus.
I can't stop eating.
I'm sleeping like its about to be outlawed.
I can't focus.
I am winded every 5 footsteps.
I can't focus.

shit.



Oh, yeah, you need to have sex to get pregnant right? My bad. Disregard post.

Nothing to Say

I'll be around.

I Called

She didn't pick up.

Ah well.

Because I'm trying to perfect the art of overanalysis

Do you ever get the feeling that something simply wasn't meant to be? That you've put so much effort into something that ought to be easy, yet it is still is too hard to make it work

There is this friend I've had forever, I've known her since primary school. Of course, the older I get, the more my brain rewrites history ( as can be seen from my last post) and nothing seems to make sense ( I swear, I won't be surprised to find out tomorrow that we did not, in fact, go to the same primary school. Anywho, I digress [I love that phrase, but I digress yet again *wink*])We went to primary school together and we were essentially in the same circles ( I remember her a bit less than I remember Tope Om.ole, my then best friend who is (and, as I understand, has always been) her best friend (so I guess my mind doesn't deceive me when I say we were pretty damn cool in primary school) . Like 50% of the Nigerian populace, I skipped primary 6 ans went to secondary school, while all my buddies stayed and finished. As fate would have it, she ended up at my secondary school and, but you know how we naija's are, she was a year my junior, so no beef, but time and circumstance turned us into "hi/hello" friends. We went in such divergent directions that I only found out a year or 2 ago that she left at the end of ss1 ( I graduated 7 years ago).

Well, life happens and we wind up in the same state in college. We keep bumping into each other and swearing to call each other, but never get around to it. A couple years ago she cussed me out at one of out annual "bumpings" and and I guess we both decided to be real with it and call each other and hang out.

Fast forward another 3 years and I'm just exhausted. I love her and I'm sure she loves me too but phone tag is a bitch. She had some personal drama and and would randomly have her phone not accept calls (which drove me insane). I'd call and not be able to leave a message , but it would seem like I never called since her phone wouldn't take any calls anyway. Or there is her uncanny ability to call me when I can't talk (isn't it cute how I'm painting this to be all her fault??) . About once every 2 months, one of us gets hold of the other and starts an accusation or apology, then we try to catch up, but its so disjointed, so detail free because there is no continuous time we experience together for life to happen and for us to narrate to each other as it happens.

She sent me a facebook message the other day and I just hmmphed with annoyance and closed the page, then I thought about it. Hell, I hadn't made a huge effort either. So I hit reply and and said "glad you're alive". I was tempted to add "this is too hard. I promise I wont hate you if you stopped trying", but that would be a lie. I'd be hurt.

I thought friendship was supposed to be effortless. you think of difficult friendships and you think of those wrought with arguments. This is falling apart from neglect. And don't get me wrong, I think she is an amazing woman, that is why I've struggled for so long, but I have no clue what to do to make it easier. Maybe it will simplify itself when I graduate and our schedules become simpler. I should call her today.

But watch me get the message "at the subscribers request, this number is not taking any calls."

Eyes Wide Shut

I feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer, because, even to my eyes, it seems very "in love/like". It isn't. It is a slightly poetic description of a flawed friendship, complicated by something that happened that felt so nice that I'm having difficulty reminding myself that having this person as a friend is more important than "just one more time" that will probably eliminate any leftover shards of the easy (or was it?) camaraderie that once existed. The problem is that my head is slowly altering the memories so that I come to a point where I think "fuck it, we weren't really friends anyway, and in 5 weeks, I'll never see him again", or " I like you better when we're making out anyway". On the other hand , I truly think I miss him, but I'm wondering if all the whining about missing my buddy and mourning the loss of a great friendship is a figment of my imagination too. I might be creating false memories of a close connection to give myself and excuse to want to escape the awkwardness, when in reality, its just my hormones speaking.

Keeping my Eyes Closed
I don't know what I want.
I look at you and wonder
How did it feel so good?
Skinny lips, chipped tooth,
But when my eyes are closed
And I cant see who I'm with
I'm with you, with
a perfect mouth, perfect words
Laughter that makes me pause and absorb. The Timbre
of your voice that makes me exclaim out loud to myself how much
I like your voice. I open my eyes and you
make very little sense.
You say stupid things that make me wonder what I'm thinking. You call me "silly girl" and I feel like you ran your nails across a chalkboard.
You see my imperfections and I am ashamed. No, not ashamed, angry. Angry, not because I didn't know they were there. Angry because you see them and too tactless to ignore them.
My eyes are open and I am annoyed by you, for always having to dismiss me. Annoyed at your way of saynig the last word and running away before I can counter. Annoyed because you know I like to be the dismisser, and you have robbed me of my little selfish, childish joy.
Then I close my eyes again and you make me laugh over and over. You remind me of what being carefree was about. You make me giggle and blush with the unorthodox things about me that impress you because you are able to be impressed without using those condescending words. My eyes are closed as you sing my praises to everyone who will sit still long enough to listen. And while my eyes are closed, I enjoy you more. I enjoy your silliness, your random weirdnesses. While my eyes are closed, I revel in your youth, your dreams for who you want to be, your creativity, the ardor with which you want to fly.
And so I keep my eyes closed so I can blot out the pranks, the WTF moments, the I-want-to-punch-you moments, the moments I want to slap myself for allowing the "disrespect", the dismissals.

My eyes are open now, but I long to shut them again, so I can pretend the world only exists in darkened dormrooms with butterfly kisses that make you ask me what I'm looking at.

Its on the Hush, Only You and I will Know

I've been wondering, why is secrecy about sex such a big deal?

I mean, you have 2 consenting adults, neither in an exclusive relationship ( with each other or anyone else) doing what adults do, but it has to be on the DL?

I have a couple theories, but none of them hold much water. There is the idea that the girl doesnt want to look like a "slut" and so would rather people didn't know she was getting some on the regular. Fair. Except, most songs talking about "no one has to know" are by men.

How in the Hell

Is today just Monday? I feel like its thurdsay. This is what happens when you literally party all weekend and get out of bed before bed each day with no naps in between.

Teehee. I sound like an old woman.

Screw everything, after this test, I'm going home to pass out.

I think we might be on out way to being cool again. We'll see what happens.

Wistful

I miss everyone. I got back from Miami, wilded out all week ( the party started Thursday and ended tonight) and it hit me. Its over.

I'm gone come May.

Friday night was amazing. I went out in an itty bitty dress (Beyonce, as much as I hate to admit it, was right about that dress) and got enough "Daaaaayum's" and double takes to last me the rest of the semester. And, of course, the attention didn't do much for my decision to behave myself. It was a blast though.

Tonight was more special. Everyone came out and I saw everyone and saw oh so clearly exactly why I'm going to miss absolutely every last one of them.

From Mr. Nigeria with his "I'm going to DO that girl men!!" and the flip to a serious conversation about reality in the next sentence to Femi Kuti and his dance floor antics. From Ikenna and his "always on time"-ness to Ek.eh and how adorable he is when he is trying to act grown. I saw Warm Body and it hit me how much I missed they day we met when we sat there and chilled for the entire day. I fucked up. I should have let things be the way they were and had someone I could sit with and shoot the shit for 9 straight hours.

Ov.ie and I had a funny moment.
I asked him what he was doing later. I meant graduation. He thought I meant after the party so he said he was going to pass out in his bed from exhaustion. I said that was nice, but it wasn't what i meant. The look on his face was worth money. Even funnier was how I sharply denied any underhanded intentions and his mock hurt. I'll miss his smile when I tease him about being hot.

I'm done. I have another exam to fail on Monday. Screwed is the understatement of the century.

I'm seriously going to miss this place. Everyone is going to think I'm crazy with my pre-emptive I miss you's.