So Im Back to Being Psycho.

Eh. Thats life.

February should return me to sanity....or make me even more crazy.

Life is a Funny Place

My work honey was my secret Santa. LOL.

Random

I am no fashionista. I used to have my very own personal style. Then I tried to keep up with the rest of the world. And failed miserably. Everytime I let other people have input on what I wear and how I ought to wear it and mix it up with MY idea of what looks good, I cringe in retrospect. I need to go back to finding and wearing and packing what makes me feel good.

I don't understand people. I probably never will. I try very very hard to make sense of behavior and comments but it never works.

I care deeply about what people think / how people feel. In general, this concern is not returned ( at least from the people I expect it to be from).

I have this amazing ability to delude myself into believing that certain people are closer to me than they are / shared more with me than they did and I bless God for the technology that creates a footprint because I am able to go bakc in time and see what our relationship really is and slap myself back into reality.

I like to think I'm a lot less shallow than I come off.

Resolution 2008

Flirt with hot guys.

Fighting

The urge to talk.

The World is Flat

Its sunday afternoon and I'm sitting at work. I have a very long list of tasks I MUST complete today because our client needs them at 9am tomorrow. I did about 2 hours of work yesterday, and on thursday i pulled an all time high of 18 billable house ( this means I subtracted lunchtime and wasted random time from the total time I was at work). I clearly should be working but I had to put down this thought before I forget it. Leaving work at 4am is clearly not healthy. I got into a discussion with a friend after seeing "Why did I get married" because Im worried that I'm becoming the lawyer chick and she said to me " well youre on vacation. you should not do work on vacation" but then what if there is no one else to do the work?

Interestingly, I'm reading The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman and one of his points is that kids need to find careers in which they have a value-add: something no one else can bring. Someone else said that the only way you have job security is if you do something no one else can do. And i dont really mean absolutely no one else in the universe is capable of doing your task, but the only way you can be absolutely certain you have something to do is if youre the only one who does it. Simple enough right?

But if youre the only one who can do something, anything, then youre the only that can do it. Say goodbye to vacation, silent Blackberrys, etc. I'm sure there is a balance somewhere, there has to be, but I cant find it. Everyone on my team, from the lowest of the low to the most senior person in the organization has been workingon this around the clock. What happened to being asleep at 2am?

I love what I do, I honestly do, I just dont know if it gives me space to love anything (or anyone) else.

The Public Journal, Summer 2007

its like someone stole the thoughts out of my head and put them down.

I'll post the entry soon.

Numb is the new deep

I feel a sense of Deja Vu....like this is a post I've made before. I used to care so much about what was going on in the universe, what was going on around me. I had a million opinions and loved opportunities to educate people and now I seriously dont care.

Okay, thats a bit extreme. I do care. But a lot of time, I don't want to know. I don't want to know specifics of the madness in Pakistan. I got tired of watching monks get beaten up. I have no idea why precisely Rumsfeld stepped down. I saw "Gates" complaining about China not sanctioning Iran and wondered what Bill Gates business was with Iran. I seriously much rather read fiction.

in other news, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers is pretty good.

St. Patricks Day

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time

Everyone I know graduated and ran out to find a man/woman to settle down with. Its a little annoying. Friends who used to be constantly available no longer can do anything because they want to hang out with a significant other. i guess it feels doubly odd because I was there (in a couple of the cases) egging them on, helping deal with neuroses so the new other doesnt wonder what kind of crazed lunatic they are choosing to deal with. Then it all goes well, then I'm suddenly shut out.
I guess I'll just have to find stuff to do on my own.

Ooh, baby, it's raining.

Went to school this weekend with Ghanaboy.

fabulous time. That stupid jackass who "only dates black girls" was there. Ignored me entirely the whole time. No big deal, right? Not like I can stand him.

Till the day we were leaving and it was pouring and I was giving Mr. Nigeria a ride back to campus after lunch. He came to suck up to Ghanaboy for a job, ignored me, then followed us to MY car for a ride to wherever the hell he had to go.

I saw him following us trying to get under Sade's umbrella, realized what was going on and laughed then asked " is [moron] planning to get into my car after being incapable of saying hello all weekend?"

I laughed again and kept walking. He mumbled something and ghanaboy said "thats not what you say you idiot, you apologize or say hi or something."

We got to my car and he didnt get in.

Guess who didnt give a shit?

Yoooo!

I totally typed in my password without looking at the keyboard!

Go me!!!

Up next, world domination!

O My Freaking GAWSH!!!

I want to have Steve Jobs babies. I can see it now: the pitter-patter of little nano's.

Except the new nano's are fugly. So Shuffles. And someday they will grow up to be iPod Touches.

*sigh*

For Shame!!!

I just realized my favorite tech blog ( well after fake steve jobs, of course) is not in fact called "Endgadget", but "Engadget", sans "d".

I must officially resign as family/friend tech go-to person and I apologize profusely to the universe for portraying myself as a techie o so falsely.

*hangs head in shame*.


In other news, say I'm overreacting all you want, but I called ol'dude yesterday and left a nice "hey how are you doing message" as I left for work, but when I hadn't got a callback by 11 last night, I deleted the number.

Eh, it was fun while it lasted.

New York, New York

titles like that make you assume the post is going to be an ode to the [sarcasm] wonderfulness that is [/scarcasm] NYC.

Its not.

I don't totally abhor the city anymore (maybe because I've finally hung out there properly in the summer time so there is less drippage). By "the city" of course, I mean Manhattan. The other 4 boroughs might as well not exist. But thats beside the point.

I couldn't think of a title for the post. And I was in NY for the weekend. So thats that.

Hung out with the bootylicious and we actually had a good time, zero drama. Friday we went out with Femi Kuti and a friend of his. I was DD, and therefore completely sober, so it was fun to watch the other 3 get wasted. As always, as the night wore on, it stopped being so funny and became a bit of a drag when I got tired and they still wanted to hit up other places. In the end sha, it was a good time. Went back to bootylicious house and passed out.

Saturday, I went to Harlem to get my hair braided and as we all know that was the end of the day.

Sunday, went shopping with Ghanaboy. He was horrendously late, so B and I had plenty time to just chill and talk, so it was really nice. Then we had dinner and went home. We had planned to go back out htat night, but laziness set in. We ended up just vegging out on the couch and going to sleep. Headed back monday scared that traffic would be a beast if i left late, but NOTHINGNESS.

So I came home and obsessed about M and made fried rice.

Making plans now to "randomly" call him later today and go to Ithaca this weekend with Ghanaboy.

YES, I'm allowed to call (stop JUDGING ME), he called friday night. And after the very familiar "whats up?" I said "Who is this?"

*grin*

I wasn't playing games jare, I didn't have his number. Fi mi le jo!

Jedi Mind Games

So of course I get a random text message fro ma random number saying

"Im guessing you're at work now, I'll give you a call later tonight. "

so I get all excited, before I realize its this random kid in Michigan looking for grad school advice.

So I decided (properly this time) to write him off.

....until, of course, 6 months down the line he actually does call and common sense tells me to cut the relationship to that one phonecall but I don't so I end up on the regular rollercoaster and I want to slap myself for my stupidity.

Gah.

Meh.

I'll eventually stop checking my phone for missed calls.

He was a good kisser tho.

Would you do a line of cocaine, knowing the first hit could kill you?

What price is too high to pay for the satisfaction of curiosity?

Do you peace out on the last year of college to see if you could make it as a musician or do you do me and wait 9 months to get that degree?

*sigh*

I think you're an idiot, but if you need me, I'm here.

Terminally Single

So of course I met a nice boy and of course I f*cked it up as usual.

Apparently, me and my big mouth coping strategy told his friend he wasn't cute way back in MAY.

So we hang out this weekend and we end up kissing, and he promises to call but never does. I call his friend (the guy I know him through) and that one is like "Ah, ah, you want him to call you? I thought it was a one night thing now!" and I'm too busy trying to maintain my gangsta so I don't say (as I ought to have) "How many times have you seen me making out with random dudes as one night things?"

So I guess its safe to assume thats over. Either way, you dont wife the girl you swapped spit with in a smoky club.

I want to

make out all night and go to work exhausted but smiling that secret smile that says I'm ecstatic and I can't tell you about it.

Friday was fan-freakin- tastic. Had a blast ( of course, I absolutely always have a blast with Femi Kuti). But I had a blast for slightly different reasons.

*secret smile*

Except the bastard hasnt called. Eh.

So

I went out and bought that body pillow like Ive been threatening.

Life is good. I like the new job. I don't know many people (that I actually want to hang out with) in this area so life is pretty boring now and I'm making all sorts of plans for trips out of tow (which usually means a very broke year for me).

Femi Kuti leaves the country next week so I'm going to the city to say goodbye. Meeting up with one of the spring break ladies and V and him to paint the town pastel pink (I KNOW these people are far too boring to do anything remotely red, and I'm designated driver so I gotta be tame too so eh. Cant see ghanaboy because he is in Chicago, so i gotta settle for pink).

Screwed up royally at owrk a few times this week, but apparently I'm allowed since I'm new, but I hear I only get one chance, and I used it up pretty fast. Gotta double check my double checks twice from now on.

One horrifyingly hot cutie, but I haven't made any major moves yet. Just ogling him from the distance for now.

Life is good. And I'm happy.

Tired

...I wonder if its grounds for a "this isn't a good fit" if I bring a sleeping bag to work and use it during the day.

There is something shockingly sexy about fit eurpoean men with hairy arms.

Ia eyarialo otaria goelho tahogeiama.

I just realized that the best present anyone could get me right now is the new Harry Potter.

Riding in Cars with Boys

I wish i had some damn boys to ride in cars with. Hell I dont want to ride einthe car with them, I just need one of these asses that call themselves my friends to go with me to the car dealer/auction/seller and help me out with buying the damn thing. I know nothing about cars and its like everyone is just looking at me like I'm stupid.

I need a freaking car. Ive been here 3 weeks doing nothing. Come with me to look at a car " sorry i cant". I go by myself y'all act like I'm some stupid child.

I have only 7 days to get everything done and all of you are wasting my time. I feel like walking into a Honda Dealership and just buying whatever i see. *hiss*

Breaking the Habit

I have realized that when I think someone is mad at me / about to be mad at me for something I think is not my fault/doesnt exist, I pre-emptively vex for them so I don't give a damn if they're mad or not.

Very 7-year-old behavior.

Its incredibly hard not to be a know it all when you're always right.

My sitemeter is gone. Aaargh.

I HATE the stoopid "remember me" thing

WTF is the point if it never works? Everytime I come on, I have to put my information in anyway.

*seethes*

An Apple A Day

Keeps the doctor away, but how do I stay away from the dentist?

I have an abcessed tooth. great huh?

What sucks is that I have spent like $2,000 on this same tooth over the past couple years. Okay, okay, fine, if I had got that crown after my root canal 2 years abo, maybe we wont be having this discussion, but hell, its my blog, I can whine all I want.

So I'm about to have 27 teeth ( I had one wisdom pulled already and the others have refused to show face. I figure they fear the same fate). I'm considering getting an implant, but that one na another gbese. We'll see what my mouth looks like after this tooth is gone tomorrow. If I feel uncute, I guess I shall have to spend the moneyon the implant.

And of course my dumb ass agreed to take 2 15 year olds around DC tomorrow, knowing I'm having dental work done. And I would say I'd beat their asses if they are bad, but they are bigger than me. This life isnt fair.

In other news, I decided that this borederline skinny steez isn't working for me and I want my abs of steel back. So I'm going to start working out .... again. We'll see how long it lasts this time.

As usual, I took a nap this evening, so I'm not going to be able to sleep. Boo naps.

Partaaaay Saturday. Nothing whatsoever to wear. I haven't bought anything sexy in a while, grad school spoiled me. Spent a year going out partying in the clothes I rolled out of bed and wore to class, and I didn't even look strange. Hell, the first party I went to when I got back here, I got the worst leg cramps the next day from not having worn heels in so long. Work should be fun. I can go back to playing dress-up. School made me lazy.

This one I'm planning to da-bubble on saturday, I better start praying that my face doesn't look anything like it did when I got the other tooth pulled. LOL. It was my senior year in college and I had midterms so I couldn't hide out. I just rocked a hoodie and went to class. When people were brave enough to pick their jaws up and ask what happened, I told them "My boyfriend is trying to make me a better person"

Reactions? Priceless.

Life is Short

And there is no point wasting it being scared.

*sigh*

Dirt be-gone!!!

I don't know what it is about home that has my filthy mind de-filth ( or what it was about school that made me this agro-fied teenager) but sanity has returned.

My inner whore is quiet for now. No more temptation to do freaky shit with people I barely know outside of the random conversation. Lol. Life is hilarious. I can laugh now about waking up at 4am and having, not choosing, having to delete his number after a particularly steamy dream and being ooh so grateful, 12 hours later, while texting Ineka when I wanted to act on it and the only reason I could'nt was that I didnt have his number. I'm still curious, but the lucky recipient of my attentions has changed *grin*

Funnier were conversations with ghanaboy, going through the lists of the guys I know and who would be best fir for "the job".

And now, all I want is attention. Michigan, I wanted tenderness, school I wanted something very physical, now I just want attention. I don't need you to ever touch me, I just want my phone ringing and to catch your surreptitious glances in public places and to flirt like everyones watching. So far, its been good, I just wish the guys were really worth the coquettish smiles and the innuendo.

I wonder what the tone for Jersey will be. Will it be another soul searching Michigan? Or more misbehavior? We'll see.

For right now, I need a bed and I can't believe I am basing my descision on wether to get a full sized bed or a Queen on the possibility that I may have someone sleep over occasionally and I'd rather not be squished.

Actually, squishing isn't all bad.

Eh, I cant decide. I just need a damn bed.

E be like say some of you actually believe I'm 18.

*dies laughing*

18 was a loooooooong time ago.

18 till I die

... its my 18th birthday today.

Yup, yup, I'm a child prodigy. 2 degrees and a couple years of work experience all before my 18th birthday.

Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

*smile*

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Even scarier to me that people reading what I write about them is self censorship. I would feel jailed (like I did when I tried it before) if I felt like I had to hide my thoughts or not say certain things for fear they be seen or misunderstood.

Its inevitable that my thoughts will be misunderstood simply because I don't post them here in a bid to make them clear to the reader. They are mine, I'm just feeding my inner exhibitionist by putting them on the internet.

That being said, I'm out of here!!!

gosh adulthood sucks ass!! I havent got my first paycheck yet, and Im poor already!! Worrahell?
Then I gotta go give some dentist like $3,500 of my money, because I was too poor/too lazy to deal with it before? And of course, now I am off daddy's payroll, the expenses rear their ugle heads *rollseyes*

Its all good. As my aunt said yesterday, "Welcome to adulthood."

eh.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

I've been sitting home all day thinking about him. He has inhabited every waking (and sleeping) thought today. Every. Last. One.

I'm not ready for this. This was supposed to be safe. The sheer impossibility of it all was supposed to save me from listening to music that reminds me of him, reading the book he recommended and seeing him in each character, from sitting here scared to go to Collegetown for fear I'd run into him, from talking to mutual friends and censoring myself for fear that something I say may be misconstrued as a "come-hither". From the knowledge that all he has to do is say the word, and I am his.

Its this damn book. There is no logical explanation.

Why do I have to be so impossibly female? Hopefully, this is all just the product of an unoccupied mind on a lazy sunday, and I'll be fine tomorrow. If not, i have to get out of this town now before I do something stupid.

Graduated.

So they messed around and gave me another degree.

Who woulda thunk it?

MADNESS

Craziest week EVER.

Still making bad decisions, but fortunatley they cant bite me in the ass

Graduation on Saturday/Sunday.

On my way out (again) but I will come and update you on the madness that is.

Happiness isn't

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton

Bipolar

He was extremely sweet over lunch. Which was hilarious because I was expecting him to grab my plate and throw it in my face just to keep it going with the recent manic-lunatic shit he pulled yesterday.

*shrug*

I saved the conversations, just in case I forget what kind of asshole he is. I'm not mad. I don't hate him, I just know we really aren't friends.

I really should invest in that body pillow.

Hmm.

Apparently, he's sorry. Lunch tomorrow.

Done.

Niggas and flies
I do despise
But the more I see niggas,
The more I like flies.

I'm done. You really are an asshole in every sense of the word.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

LORD, I HATE DRAMA.

Stupid me went to go and do good samaritan and people started disrespecting a negro for no reason. Abi gini?

So its [ivy leagues excuse for crazy homecoming type event when football team sucks] and everyone is out and about.

We are all acting a fool when we run into this girl I know. Warm body spots her and decides he is in love. No biggie. Life is great.

Except SHE ISN'T FEELING HIM. End of story. Still no big deal right?

Nooooooo, your girl Tori, savior of the universe decides to help a sista out. So my girl B calls me aside to say she thinks Warm body is nice and all, but she is feeling my sweetheart, my honey bunches of oats, the one and only chivalrous male at [school].

YAAAAAY. My baby is about to get some play! (Not that I'm saying he doesn't get play, o. But he isn't a man-whore like the rest of them)

SCREEEEECH. Brakes. Warm body won't leave her side. So I decide to play good samaritan and I tell my sweetheart what the deal is, so he can move in, but apparently, its against the Man Code. His friend got there first and so he cannot holla till his friend, of his own volition, leaves the babe alone.

Ah well. Except STOOOPID Jamaica ( im tired of wasting endearments jo, lets call him jamaica) tells Mr. Nigeria wassup, and Mr. Nigeria decides to tell warm body to back off. Mr. Nigeria SOBER isn't the most tactful SOB in the world ( I love him anyway) but he's been drinking. I have no clue how he told ol boy, but warm body backs off, but gets all salty. Rejection is a bitch, what can I say.

Except he fucking goes to talk to his boy, the other Goo.nie and next thing I know the idiot is not speaking to me.

WTF?

No be you the girl reject ooo, na you boy, that is why when I'm addressing you and asking you if you can help me find my phone, you COMPLETELY IGNORE me when we are the only people in the room?

Its all good. Na me cause am. Because I dey follow you shine teeth like say na my teeth dey cause sunlight and sunset, that be why you think say you fit dey do me anyhow.

I'm not even mad at warmbody self for whatever he said. Hell, if na me self, I go think say the girl I'm messing with dey block. I would be sorely dissapointed sha, because he clearly doesn't understand the nature of our relationship. I am purely objectifying him. I don't like to sleep alone, so you are just a warm animate object beside me. I DON'T WANT YOU LIKE THAT. Just in case youre reading this, when she asked me about you I PUT IN A FUCKING GOOD WORD. *rollseyes*

Me sef, I suppose leave all this one behind. What is that new T.I. song that isnt even out that he performed at the concert today? "Big shit poppin, l'il shit stoppin". My brain don fry.

Popcorn and Headers

There are Very Few Times I Want a Man.

Tonight is one of them.

I would love for someone to have (actually, present tense, to) worry about me. I want someone to randomly show up in the lab with a cup of coffee and a sandwich for me. Or just now, when I was hiding tears of sheer frustration, I want someone to notice and hug me into silence and tell me its okay.

Instead I have stolen popcorn

How you Put Yourself out there is How you will be percieved

In summary: If you booty-IM (calling is soooo 2005) people, there is a good chance they will offer to pour liquor on you "like in big -pimpin" (which was quite possibly the most demeaning use of alcohol I've ever seen). Nothing spoil sha. I can't even be insulted. Na me cause am.

In other news, I'm going insane with work. I would like nothing other than to have someone wrap their arms around me while I grab my 3 hours of sleep a night, but apparently that person doesn't exist. Its fooling around or nothing. *smh*

I guess I'll take nothing.

Also, you have too many friends on facebook if you continually have "who the eff is that?" moments when people update pictures.

I miss U.go. Mostly because there are 800 million pictures of him on facebook having a blast without me. Hair appointment in the morning. Alleluia.

I wonder if warm body still reads this. I don't think I care. I want to get a little more explicit (by explicit I mean detailed, you filthy minds) but I have no clue how many people actually know me. I ain't trynna do a Ms.Annabella repeat.

Damn. I just put myself out there.

If I Should Die

please play this at my funeral

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course,
each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

Yes, there were times,
I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
and did it my way!

Waiting on the World to Change

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones. - Bertrand Russell

If Sleep is the Cousin of Death

what does that make me?

I'm exhausted and I got the most sleep Ive had all week last night. I should go nap for an hour before I have to go to the NSBE thing at the Statler.

School is much more insane than usual.

I have loads more to say but I'm far too sleepy to type.

Be back. Lots of procrastinating to do this week.

You Always Want What You Haven't Got

So I'm walking home from class to get my cellphone that I forgot at home earlier today, when my mind went back to my ...umm... encounter over the weekend.

Its the perfect situation. We're cool. He doesn't call me to ask what I meant. I don't wander around thinking about what he said or what he did or whether or not he likes me or whether or not I stuck my foot in my mouth as usual and said something to make him hate me and all the other usual crap I obsess about when I'm in like or crush or whatever else I'm usually in.

That is exactly the problem. Im not in....anything. I'm totally emotionally detached. And it bothers me. All of a sudden I want to be that girl who obsesses....I just feel very....weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go delude myself into believing that I want to have this mans babies or anything equally dumb, I'm just uncomfortable with how okay with this I am.
Or was.

I have no idea what I want. I know I don't want emotional entanglement. I'm too busy with work and life to be having stupid "we need to talk" conversations with anyone about "the state of the union".

But then, I'm shocked at how I don't feel remotely guilty. Outside of the daft smile I always wear the next day when I whine about how tired I am and the quick text message to Ineka, I could care less.

I can't organize my thoughts to make a proper post and explain what Im thinking.
Hell, this post probably isn't about what you think it is. I might be Freying. Or my brain might be on strike.

People are Assholes

And I hate this school.

Half the reason for this, of course, is that I left my cellphone at home so I have to go alllll the way home to get it and come allll the way back which will take me forever ( and, by forever, I mean 40 minutes) which is tres annoying. All this is, quite obviously, the schools fault.

In other news, people are still assholes and politicians are still corrupt.

Gossip

Amuses me. I like the idea of turning my life into a game of chinese whispers-let people make up stories and see how they come back to me. I found myself, today, asking a friend not to tell people a particular truth about me because it would negate a whole bunch of current rumors and that would be tres boring.

In other news, my primary school friend has dissapeared....haven't eard from her at all. As far as I know, she's alive. Maybe she saw the blog and got offended.

King of Sorrow

This Woman is the epitome of Sade's Song.

2007 Pulitzer Prize winner for photography.

I got accepted to Virginia Tech last year. Why do I feel guilty for being grateful I changed my mind about going there and came here?

Pregnant?

I can't focus.
I can't stop eating.
I'm sleeping like its about to be outlawed.
I can't focus.
I am winded every 5 footsteps.
I can't focus.

shit.



Oh, yeah, you need to have sex to get pregnant right? My bad. Disregard post.

Nothing to Say

I'll be around.

I Called

She didn't pick up.

Ah well.

Because I'm trying to perfect the art of overanalysis

Do you ever get the feeling that something simply wasn't meant to be? That you've put so much effort into something that ought to be easy, yet it is still is too hard to make it work

There is this friend I've had forever, I've known her since primary school. Of course, the older I get, the more my brain rewrites history ( as can be seen from my last post) and nothing seems to make sense ( I swear, I won't be surprised to find out tomorrow that we did not, in fact, go to the same primary school. Anywho, I digress [I love that phrase, but I digress yet again *wink*])We went to primary school together and we were essentially in the same circles ( I remember her a bit less than I remember Tope Om.ole, my then best friend who is (and, as I understand, has always been) her best friend (so I guess my mind doesn't deceive me when I say we were pretty damn cool in primary school) . Like 50% of the Nigerian populace, I skipped primary 6 ans went to secondary school, while all my buddies stayed and finished. As fate would have it, she ended up at my secondary school and, but you know how we naija's are, she was a year my junior, so no beef, but time and circumstance turned us into "hi/hello" friends. We went in such divergent directions that I only found out a year or 2 ago that she left at the end of ss1 ( I graduated 7 years ago).

Well, life happens and we wind up in the same state in college. We keep bumping into each other and swearing to call each other, but never get around to it. A couple years ago she cussed me out at one of out annual "bumpings" and and I guess we both decided to be real with it and call each other and hang out.

Fast forward another 3 years and I'm just exhausted. I love her and I'm sure she loves me too but phone tag is a bitch. She had some personal drama and and would randomly have her phone not accept calls (which drove me insane). I'd call and not be able to leave a message , but it would seem like I never called since her phone wouldn't take any calls anyway. Or there is her uncanny ability to call me when I can't talk (isn't it cute how I'm painting this to be all her fault??) . About once every 2 months, one of us gets hold of the other and starts an accusation or apology, then we try to catch up, but its so disjointed, so detail free because there is no continuous time we experience together for life to happen and for us to narrate to each other as it happens.

She sent me a facebook message the other day and I just hmmphed with annoyance and closed the page, then I thought about it. Hell, I hadn't made a huge effort either. So I hit reply and and said "glad you're alive". I was tempted to add "this is too hard. I promise I wont hate you if you stopped trying", but that would be a lie. I'd be hurt.

I thought friendship was supposed to be effortless. you think of difficult friendships and you think of those wrought with arguments. This is falling apart from neglect. And don't get me wrong, I think she is an amazing woman, that is why I've struggled for so long, but I have no clue what to do to make it easier. Maybe it will simplify itself when I graduate and our schedules become simpler. I should call her today.

But watch me get the message "at the subscribers request, this number is not taking any calls."

Eyes Wide Shut

I feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer, because, even to my eyes, it seems very "in love/like". It isn't. It is a slightly poetic description of a flawed friendship, complicated by something that happened that felt so nice that I'm having difficulty reminding myself that having this person as a friend is more important than "just one more time" that will probably eliminate any leftover shards of the easy (or was it?) camaraderie that once existed. The problem is that my head is slowly altering the memories so that I come to a point where I think "fuck it, we weren't really friends anyway, and in 5 weeks, I'll never see him again", or " I like you better when we're making out anyway". On the other hand , I truly think I miss him, but I'm wondering if all the whining about missing my buddy and mourning the loss of a great friendship is a figment of my imagination too. I might be creating false memories of a close connection to give myself and excuse to want to escape the awkwardness, when in reality, its just my hormones speaking.

Keeping my Eyes Closed
I don't know what I want.
I look at you and wonder
How did it feel so good?
Skinny lips, chipped tooth,
But when my eyes are closed
And I cant see who I'm with
I'm with you, with
a perfect mouth, perfect words
Laughter that makes me pause and absorb. The Timbre
of your voice that makes me exclaim out loud to myself how much
I like your voice. I open my eyes and you
make very little sense.
You say stupid things that make me wonder what I'm thinking. You call me "silly girl" and I feel like you ran your nails across a chalkboard.
You see my imperfections and I am ashamed. No, not ashamed, angry. Angry, not because I didn't know they were there. Angry because you see them and too tactless to ignore them.
My eyes are open and I am annoyed by you, for always having to dismiss me. Annoyed at your way of saynig the last word and running away before I can counter. Annoyed because you know I like to be the dismisser, and you have robbed me of my little selfish, childish joy.
Then I close my eyes again and you make me laugh over and over. You remind me of what being carefree was about. You make me giggle and blush with the unorthodox things about me that impress you because you are able to be impressed without using those condescending words. My eyes are closed as you sing my praises to everyone who will sit still long enough to listen. And while my eyes are closed, I enjoy you more. I enjoy your silliness, your random weirdnesses. While my eyes are closed, I revel in your youth, your dreams for who you want to be, your creativity, the ardor with which you want to fly.
And so I keep my eyes closed so I can blot out the pranks, the WTF moments, the I-want-to-punch-you moments, the moments I want to slap myself for allowing the "disrespect", the dismissals.

My eyes are open now, but I long to shut them again, so I can pretend the world only exists in darkened dormrooms with butterfly kisses that make you ask me what I'm looking at.

Its on the Hush, Only You and I will Know

I've been wondering, why is secrecy about sex such a big deal?

I mean, you have 2 consenting adults, neither in an exclusive relationship ( with each other or anyone else) doing what adults do, but it has to be on the DL?

I have a couple theories, but none of them hold much water. There is the idea that the girl doesnt want to look like a "slut" and so would rather people didn't know she was getting some on the regular. Fair. Except, most songs talking about "no one has to know" are by men.

How in the Hell

Is today just Monday? I feel like its thurdsay. This is what happens when you literally party all weekend and get out of bed before bed each day with no naps in between.

Teehee. I sound like an old woman.

Screw everything, after this test, I'm going home to pass out.

I think we might be on out way to being cool again. We'll see what happens.

Wistful

I miss everyone. I got back from Miami, wilded out all week ( the party started Thursday and ended tonight) and it hit me. Its over.

I'm gone come May.

Friday night was amazing. I went out in an itty bitty dress (Beyonce, as much as I hate to admit it, was right about that dress) and got enough "Daaaaayum's" and double takes to last me the rest of the semester. And, of course, the attention didn't do much for my decision to behave myself. It was a blast though.

Tonight was more special. Everyone came out and I saw everyone and saw oh so clearly exactly why I'm going to miss absolutely every last one of them.

From Mr. Nigeria with his "I'm going to DO that girl men!!" and the flip to a serious conversation about reality in the next sentence to Femi Kuti and his dance floor antics. From Ikenna and his "always on time"-ness to Ek.eh and how adorable he is when he is trying to act grown. I saw Warm Body and it hit me how much I missed they day we met when we sat there and chilled for the entire day. I fucked up. I should have let things be the way they were and had someone I could sit with and shoot the shit for 9 straight hours.

Ov.ie and I had a funny moment.
I asked him what he was doing later. I meant graduation. He thought I meant after the party so he said he was going to pass out in his bed from exhaustion. I said that was nice, but it wasn't what i meant. The look on his face was worth money. Even funnier was how I sharply denied any underhanded intentions and his mock hurt. I'll miss his smile when I tease him about being hot.

I'm done. I have another exam to fail on Monday. Screwed is the understatement of the century.

I'm seriously going to miss this place. Everyone is going to think I'm crazy with my pre-emptive I miss you's.

Superman

Its been a shitty week. More on that later.

In other news, I met Robin Thicke yesterday.

And no, "Robin Thicke" is not a pseudonym for some random new crush/friend. He kissed me on the cheek and asked a bouncer to take a picture of us.

Maybe more on the shitty week now. I'm horribly sad. I'm in Miami, Florida with a couple friends who insist on complaining about their weight ever 30 seconds (by the way, they are both absolutely gorgeous, even if they don't look anorexic) and calling me "barbie" and gasping "she's so skinny!!!" at every thin girl girl that goes by like its a good thing.

My sister said it best. "You can't be smart, beautiful and confident all at the same time."

By the way, I got here on friday. I still don't have my luggage. I'm tired of borrowed shit, and target underwear and grasy skin and going clubbing in clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in outside my apartment and girls who just cannot see how uncomfortable I am.

I'm not asking that we not go to South Beach, and I'm not mad that people keep cat-calling at you because you look fabulous. Heck, if it were me, I'd revel in it too. Sometimes, its that ego-boost you need. What I do not like is the "Tori, that was all you" when we all know I look like shit, and he practically said your name when he was trying to get your attention. Or when the 8th guy has asked for your number at the end of the night, you say on the ride home "Tori, you were on FIRE tonight, girl" when we all know I looked like shit, and no one looked at me (with good reason, and I honestly could care less if they did, but I'd rather not have to deal with the false modesty).

Ah, well, I met Robin Thicke, and he was a sweetheart. Back to the boonies next Tuesday.

Someone please pray this gets better.

So My Laptop Died.

Fan gave up the ghost two days ago and I had to send it back to Dell to be fixed. you's think I'd be totally depressed and crying in a corner of my room laying in the foetal position (yes, playing with my laptop is better than sex) , but guess what? I'm HAPPY.

Spring break starts friday, the weather was BEAUTIFUL yesterday.

Okay the school lunatic is sitting in front of me acting a fool. I just lost my blog-jo. *smh*

I'm off to class.

I succumbed

and sent him an email.

He didn't respond.

Why am I not surprised?

I think its hilarious how, in a year, I'm not going to have any idea who this is considering that I don't have a name for this particular "him".

This is me tippping my 40 to his memory and wishing him all the best. He was an amazing friend, and I made many great memories. I just need a new "random-boy-question" friend.

I Messed Up

and lost a friend.

And I can't even front and act like it wasn't my fault. I knew it was a bad decision anyway, but I went ahead and eternally eliminated a source of laughter from my life. First time I met him, We hung out for the ENTIRE day, he was that much fun. Me, him and his lunatic buddy. It was a blast. We talked about absolutely everything. Hell, I even tried to sell him John Mayer ( I don't think he bought it, but that's okay...tomorrow is another day...well, the point of this blog is that there is no tomorrow, so bleh). And then I went and blew it.

Now things are all weird. He has been totally mature about the entire thing, but things are awkward. Before, with all my boys (I like to call all the guys here that I'm cool with "my boys"...its sorta fun to be the buddy/mother figure chick for cooks for you, laughs at your antics, gives you woman advice, yet parties with you...don't tell them I call them that sha.. It might not go down too well.) it was a crime not to give me a real hug when you see me, and if you mess around and not say hello properly, I will yell at you for it. Now I'm not sure if its allowed. We do the Stranger "hey wassup" and I'm scared to do my usual "na fight? Will you get over here and hug me PROPERLY" or fall into a bear hug lest it be misinterpreted. He is scared to do his usual messing with me on sight and go "ah ah, you're looking nice today, o, which man are you hunting" or "damn, your hair looks a little weird, you no try" (which used to irk me and win him a punch) lest it be misinterpreted.

It sucks. I even miss being mad at him for being tactless.

Nothing is worth losing camaraderie.

I finally cut off Mr. Nigeria for not having an excuse for us losing our buddyness. I don't even talk to Femi Kuti nearly as much as I used to, but i could care less. I am upset, on the other hand about Mr. Nigeria who used to call me to call me. We used to study together, fight all the time and just sit around and talk. He would talk to me about all kinds of things, who he slept with last night, who he really likes, his worries about school, everything, then suddenly....nothing.

I tried to call him to do lunch, dinner, study, anything, but he was always busy. At a point, I just called him and cussed him out , but still nothing. I finally gave up when he was there with me Friday night when I was drunk stupid and he didn't call the next day to see if I was okay.

Like hell, a good friend would have at least made sure I didn't end up in some strangers bed, but I didn't even get a call the NEXT DAY. Someone else who I don't even chill with like that called and I guess it hit me when he called and I didn't hear from Mr. Nigeria.

I decided I was beating a dead horse and I let it go. I saw him at the fashion show on Saturday, and I treated him how I treated everyone else. He came over to hug me (I guess I trained my boys right. *sigh*) and I told him I was mad he didn't call (in my usual jokey way). He mumbled something, but I let it go. I was done. He was a great memory from last semester.

He called me today to see how I was. Why do men not understand that it doesn't count if I had to tell you to do it? And why did you call today when there was no reason to be concerned about me? The point of the call Friday was CONCERN because I was being a damn fool.

*sigh*

I hate losing friends.

I Sorta Miss

my gay vampire.

I fucking hate it

when I'm fucking FINALLY getting over you then you fucking call. Why do you do this? I've gone through all the 4 stages of grief over you and I'm finally moving on with my life and doing my work again and I'm able to concentrate and you don't inhabit my every thought, then you call.

Why are you calling me?

YOU cut me off. You stopped returning calls. YOU acted like you never knew me and finally I'm accepting your grad assholery and not caring then you call and I re-cycle.

How do you know when I am getting over you? its like as soon as I spend a day not thinking about you, a becaon goes off somewhere in your head and and you destroy all my progress. if you walk away, stay away. Please.
For the sake of my sanity. I don't have the time to psychoanalyze everything you said or did with everyone all over again and try to make sense of it. I can't handle it. Please walk away. Clean breaks are sooo much healthier for us all.



*on behalf of a friend. She just got the call and I totally understand whats happening in her head and I can't help but sympathize. I've been through it too many times. *

The Freakin' Tony Rich Project

does insane things to my emotions. Actually, I think its just biology.

*smh* I'm hormonal again, but more on that later.

Huge spring break plans. I'm scared its going to be your classic vacation with friends and everyone is going to be mad by the time we get back. lol. And its hella long too. Leaving here Friday and I'm not getting back till midnight Tuesday, but I found out today AFTER I paid for my flight that I have a major prelim (actually, quite possibly the only exam for the entire class) on Wednesday, and another on Thursday. Of course, common sense prevails, and I try to change my plane ticket, but tickets are now $1,200. $1,200!!!! When I'm not flying to Nigeria? Madness. I'm so glad I bought mine last night, because I promise you, I paid less than a fifth of that! What if I waited one more day?

Well, for one thing, I would not be failing my prelim on Wednesday. And please don't tell me to study now in advance. It seems like the obvious solution, but of course I am quadruple booked with work and projects till spring break.

The weekend was a lot of fun. I have a pretty big project due Thursday, so since I obviously didn't feel like doing my work, I helped out at the Ghanaian banquet. It was a lot of fun even though I missed the entire banquet, and came inside only to dance at the end. Everyone was there.
Well, not everyone. Most people. The recent girls were both out of town and WB and his lunatic friend weren't there either. Femi Kuti gave me a ride home and I teased him about the Ambassadors daughter. I was completely exhausted afterward, but I really really wanted a drink. I need to start keeping alcohol at home. The boys were going out but I didn't feel like hanging out with them (not like they invited me anyway, but I would have shamelessly invited myself) I just wanted to sit at a quiet bar alone with a Georgia Peach in my hand and stare off into space. You know those kind of bars where there is loud music playing, but you can actually sit at the bar without being shoved aside by a drunk person ordering 14 shots and the bar isn't dripping wet? Yeah, that's what I call a quiet bar.

The day before at the talk by the Ghanaian Deputy ambassador, I suddenly had to fight back tears. And I mean fight. I have NO IDEA what was wrong. I just really wanted to bawl. Hilarity. I think I'm hormonal.

In other random ass news, I think I've been blocked on Messenger. *rolleyes*. So much for complication avoidance. Its my fault anyway. I knew I was making a stupid decision. Now I've lost the right to flirt shamelessly and have everyone understand it was meaningless. As always with me, it is quite possible that I'm imagining things, but we'll see.

Jaded

And I don't know why.

I haven't had any awful experiences. Well, I take that back. Awful is relative. But either way, my life has been good. I have no stories you'd gasp at. You'd scratch your head in confusion and wonder what was going through the idiots head, but you wouldn't gasp and hug me. Anyhoo, I'm digressing.

My life is brilliant. So why am I so jaded about relationships? I don't want one. I'm positive I don't want one. I am waaay too busy to have to not be selfish right now. I am petrified of falling in "like" with someone and having to deal with him taking up every waking thought. I can't handle it. I have Wireless Sensor Networking to worry about.

Relationships are such garbage. You meet someone and create an artificial connection until you are able to trick yourself into actually caring. Then you fight over daft things. Like seriously, why do couples fight? "you don't spend enough time with me". Your life was JUST FINE last year before you met him. You didn't give a shit freshman year when you saw her talking so whatever dude, why cant she talk to him now? Its all such bullshit. Honestly, I think everyone should just bang whoever they wanna and be NORMAL. But then the ugly members of society who aren't getting laid will get all hoity toity about it.

I don't want the late night phone calls, the "study sessions" where everyone is absolutely unproductive, the sleep overs where no one gets any sleep and everyone is cranky in the morning. I don't even want to have sex with anyone. What I want hasn't changed in years. I don't want to have to sleep alone. Was listening to All the Love in the World by The Corrs today, and the chorus starts with "don't want to wake up alone anymore" and I scoffed, because waking up (sorry, John-o, you're wrong for the first time ever) is the easy bit. Falling asleep by yourself sucks.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't feel the need to do the random "checking in" the next day. its not necessary. You're taking up precious me-time. No I don't want to know how your day went. All I want is for you to show up at my door right when you want to go to sleep, and get in my bed.

Dammit, I swear John Mayer is a genius. And I hate him for making me this way. Its been practically three years.

*sigh*

I sound angry. I swear I'm not. I have too many thoughts and I can't type as fast as my brain goes and half my post gets lost in the wind. I feel ....resigned. I don't know why I'm so "life is all shit". I'm probably premenstrual.

I'm Sleepy

and I wanna go home, but I just missed the bus. The next one doesnt come for an hour :(

On Competing

Everything is good. Went to that interview and I guess it went well. I should hear something by thursday. Did most of the other work I had to do, but I truly lost interest and turned in less than half-baked work. S'all good tho. I'll be fine.

Was in the city for the weekend. Fun times. Hung out with a former friend for the first time in a few years and all the negatives came right back out. I had to constantly remind myself "it's not a competition. "it's not a competition" which is evidence of how little I have grown since then. It's all good sha. I had a blast, lost my voice and slept like the dead in the car ride back to school.

In other news, I am seriously considering my body pillow. Jason has a magnificent one. I'm going to need to ask him where he got it.

Speaking of Jason, I realized last night that I am way more hurt about losing friends than I am about losing, well, you know. I honestly miss Mr. Nigeria. We were cooool. I miss him a LOT more than I miss Femi Kuti. Femi was a great lunch/dinner buddy and he was great for the occasional whinge fest (lol) but I loved how Mr. Nigeria and I talked about all kinds of stuff. I loved how he'd call me when he was scared or worried about something important, or how he'd find my ear to say dumb shit about random hot girls. I called him thursday to be like "damn, I thought we were cool" but I got a "let me call you later, no daytime minutes". Later isn't here yet.

*sigh*

This week should be sufficiently hellish that I don't have time to eat or cook or think again. *tips 40 to memory of newfound bootyliciousness*

On My House, on my Job , On my loot, shoes, my shirt

...my fathers last name?

Lol. Robin Thicke (the OLD, untimberlake like Thicke) on the brain.

I have a job interview to fly out to tomorrow. But what if I really REALLY dont want the job? It is rude to cancel and just not go? Especially when my dream job was stripped away from me by the fates (hell, maybe I should be grateful, they started having money issues... maybe its better that started before I started work, than when i have a mortgage and 3 kids). Ugh.

Jobhunting bites monkeys ass.

Currently Listening to Brand New Jones. First time I heard the song, I thought his girlfriend/partner was his "brand new jones" but then I listened properly and I realized his time away from her was his brand new jones. How do you NOT love an artist that admits that you don't ever truly want to be around someone 24/7 losing your mind completely because the ass wont get out of your hair?

I unhid the posts. I decided screw it. Femi, if you see the posts someday, I hope you feel flattered. Life continues.

I have a meeting in half an hour and I have no intention of doing the work I needed to do to prepare for it. I hope my group members are nerd enough to just let me stand there and look pretty. I just don't want to do any work.

Speaking of pretty, I'm there again. Waking up and wearing make-up just because. Going to class in the snow with a spring in my step. Hell, my step is so springy, my professor asked me if I hurt myself ( he thought I was limping). I'm not hopeful this time, I'm just....I have no idea how to describe it. I'm not at peace, I'm not content, neither am I scared. Im just....okay. I'm okay with everything.
Well, almost everything. But that's my fault and life continues so I'll leave that one alone.

I decided to stop cussing. Not because I have any moral objection to it ( well, I used to, but I'm at a morality low right now) but because I hate the way my voice sounds to cuss words. I really don't like my voice in general. I hate the sound of it recorded. I hate the sound of it in microphones. And mostly, I hate the sound of cuss words in my voice.

Insane? Maybe.

I Changed my Mind

God created clothes for a reason. I hate the nudity. I am a self-described idiot. So I'm reading the entire blog (yes, again) and hiding posts that could potentially bite me in the ass.

This was not supposed to happen.

ugh.

I did it!!!

I almost forgot. Well, I didn't totally do it but remember how I said I was going to get the gorgeous weave I had never had the balls for? I did it! I wish I could post a picture, but that wouldn't do for anonymity would it (although my dumb ass just gave one of the recent subjects of this blog a link *slaps self*)?

Life is good. I started reading old blogs and I'm not as horribly boring on this blog as I thought. Y'all should have given a little more feedback jo *hiss*

Valentines day was a blast. It snowed like no mans business and class was cancelled which was fantastic because I hadn't done homework i had due and I hadn't the foggiest idea what to do. NSBE called and promised to send me flowers (which, as expected, never arrived) but I still love him to death. Went out in the snow with my IAD buddies to an Indian buffet and after great food and even better conversation, we made snow angels (actually, we made the snow angels on the way to the restaurant, but the sentence was sexier this way. Its called artistic license. Sue me).

Okay, on the phone with an oooold friend so I'll finish later!

Okay, off the phone. That was fun. Catching up is always great. I just got done reading through the blog. I'm an idiot. In the good kind of way. :D I also feel totally naked since, as I type this, i know someone is reading the things I wanted to keep totally private and away.

But nudity can be good. Like I said at the beginning, I hate how polite society says I can't be transparent. I'm a transparent person. I love you or I hate you and its written on my face. I'm not a private person. My life is an open book, but polite society says I need to be closed in order to survive. Maybe that's the allure of blogging. I can talk and talk about myself and no one has to know (until I go around giving people links *rollseyes*).

And I feel the need to repeat what I said the last time on xanga. I'm Freying. Nothing (well some thing are, but why tell you and spoil my ability to say " I made it up") is completely true. my blog allows me to add a little imagination to everything and make it sound the way I want it to. I get to ascribe separate events with different people to one event with whoever and however I choose.

And with the disclaimer done, I'm off to bed.

You Can't Afford Me!

I am worth $2,517,350 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

He is a Blogger!

Who would'a thunk it? And I'm a total stalker. Google is the shit.

..well, he was a blogger. Hasnt blogged since like April last year.....unless he just switched blogs. My inner Sherlock is itching to get out. Apparently, he has been insane for a lot longer than I thought.

I think i'm going to ask him about the blog. I know, i'm horribly obvious, and yes, i'm awfully nosy and even more, I'm sure it was supposed to be private, but he should have thought of that before he put his real name on there. Hmmph.

I'll be back. Homework calleth. I think i got my blog-jo back!!!

Why is this blog always about boys?

He said I live too far away.

After I hot-footed it over to his place 2 days before, I live too far away.

Asshole.

Soul

I love and miss you. Call me some night when you can't sleep.

Shit.

I miss him.

WTF.

I'ts almost 3 years later. I met this guy who sounds exactly like him and now I can't sleep. And I'm booty-IMing people.

Shit.